am I crazy???

Hello, I'm new here, this is my first post!

Please help! I need to know if I am overreacting, or if this is as serious as I feel it is.

I don't think my Husband means to hurt me how he does, but even if he doesn't mean it I don't know think he is willing to change....

My Husband and I have been married for 4 years, we had always been very happy, although have had some fights just like everyone else. But about 2 years ago, when we first started trying to get pregnant, the fighting got really really bad. I don't remember specifics but I remember feeling sad/horrible/angry/trapped because of it. I chalked it up to us both stressing about having a baby(and my husband was going through a lot, his dad was having scary health issue and his parents had just split up). Then when we got pregnant, it all stopped so I figured the stress of making such a big life decision had caused the fighting... We had our Son and everything was great! Until about four months ago, it got to the point were I'm depressed again(my son is over a year now so I don't think I'm Postpartum.). My husband is constantly criticising me, I don't have the right job, I work to much, I don't work enough, I don't put the dishes away right, I never have the right clothes clean, the way I drive isn't right, I don't cook dinner enough, when I do cook he doesn't like it or its not "normal dinner"(I made meatloaf and he complained and said "why can't you just make "normal" food"). He is always bashing my beliefs, he does not believe in god and I do, I've never tried to convert him, I actually never even bring the subject up because I know we disagree. He will do things like, turn on a Sunday Church program and then laugh at it and say its all crazy and they are so stupid to believe in god, and you don't really believe that do you? He also told me once, "did you know that a higher percentage of well educated people don't believe in god, and a higher percentage of un-educated people do?". He also is constantly talking bad about my family, if anything goes wrong its my fault.
Also, if we have an argument about something, he will MAKE me agree with him, or at least he tries really hard for me to agree with him. I'll start crying and he'll say "I'm sorry... But don't you think I'm right??".
He is always bashing my family... and making fun of how strict they were on me when we are around his friends...

I've tried to confront him about these things, I've told him I feel like I'm being attacked all of the time, he tells me I just can't take criticism. I've told him he makes me feel sad, he says I'm too sensitive.

One night a couple of months ago we had an argument, He was telling me he didn't want anymore kids because my hours at work suck blah blah blah, I won't get into detail about the whole argument, but I ended up balling and he says to me "well, if you want to have more kids then you need to get a new job or find someone else to have kids with." and rolled over and went to sleep. I told him the next morning not to pick up our son from the sitter. I was a wreck all day at work, I was planning on staying at a hotel because I was too embarrassed to stay with my parents, Then he calls me freaking out saying he's so sorry he doesn't know what he would do without me.... so I went home.

It calmed down for a while after that, but its starting back up again with the comments and criticisms. but now he'll be really mean for a few days, and then be really nice for a few days. I don't know what to think. other than the Verbal stuff, he is a wonderful man and I love him very much, He is a great dad(he is outside playing with our son right now, I feel bad even writing this... but also, today a guy he rides with to work stopped by to look at our heat pump and I went outside to say hello and my husband said to me in front of his buddy "so, did you do my laundry today? do I have any clean underwear")

ANYWAY! I'm not sure what I'm looking for after writing all of this, I guess advice?? thank you for reading!

Emma-

The problem is certainly not on your part here... it's him who has the problem, and he's taking out his own frustration on you. You're an easy target for him because you're the person he sees everyday and lives with.I can't say what exactly is wrong with him, but the term 'mid-life' crisis is the first that comes to mind. What is a 'mid-life' crisis though? I guess it's a feeling that one's life needs shaking-up; that something important or significant must be done before it gets too late. I'm sure that he actually does love you, but he cannot show it right now because he's blinded by his own problem.

Did you ever mention going to a counsellor? I mean, you could both go together to see what you make of it. I doubt he would do anything if you said to him: 'You need a counsellor', but maybe suggesting that you both go together to at least one session would help. I think that my own parents did this a few years ago when things were bad at the home. However, all seems good now.

What he's doing to you is abuse, and it's also bullying. It doesn't seem to be anywhere near the stage where a break-up/separation is an option, but at the same time it cannot go on like this. Try to arrange to sit down together each week at a certain time to be candid to each other about problems that are weighing on your [respective] minds.

Kevin

You’re living in an abusive household and you are NOT crazy. The husband you are describing is a Narcissist down to every last detail. I left my Narcissist husband in January 2010 because the incidents were escalating and if I stayed, I would have lost my mind. Narcissists can be the most charming people you’ve ever met. It’s their spouses and children who can confirm when someone is a Narcissist. The most traumatizing thing he did was make me feel crazy. This is what Narcissists do in marriage. It keeps them in control. If someone holds a red object in front of you and insists it’s actually blue constantly, eventually you’ll believe it. Eventually you won’t trust your own perception and he’ll succeed. Soon life became harder to juggle, I was a scattered constantly because I was walking on eggshells all the time and worried about setting him off if we were in a “bad” period. Don’t isolate, seek solace in friends/ family...and talk about these things! The more I became scattered and on edge, the easier it was for him to make me believe I was crazy. It was only after a month of seeing a couple’s therapist that the therapist said I should come in alone (because he dominated the conversation and tried to paint me as a crazy person because he didn’t want to be there). After only a few sessions I was told that I wasn’t crazy, and it was suggested that I do some good research on “Narcissist Personality Disorder”. My mind was blown! At the time I went through it I didn’t think anyone could understand. No one should be in that position…I’m so sorry and I hope things are OK right now.

I was turned on to the concept of the “Cycle of Violence”. This describes a relationship which cycles in three parts: 1.The build up 2. The explosion phase 3. The honeymoon phase (i.e. Tension builds up over time and the woman can’t do anything right, then the guy lashes out and there’s an incident, the women threatens to leave and the guy is overly loving and accommodating to show you he’s changed, etc., to calm things down and then the cycle continues). Please look into these as well as the “wheel of violence”. I think this will help you tremendously. The damage caused to children of Narcissists is irreversible. The best days aren’t ever going to be worth the bad. It's all one argument you'll never win. Please get out so you can start healing!

Omg Emma, please tell me you've received this message because I am living your life! I wonder if you are still with your husband. I have been living this nightmare for 10 years. And just when I'm at the brink of leaving, the best him comes out, the one I am head over heals in love with. He has made many positive changes over the years, due to me almost walking out the door many times,but he always finds something. I would really love to hear how things are going now Emma, if you found the courage to leave. I am not afraid of being alone, or losing everything, but because my job is never good enough, I made the stupid mistake of using credit cards to buy the things we need while he gets what he wants; which has put me in sooooo much debt that I simply can't afford to leave. Our child doesn't deserve this. If I take him and leave, he will be living in poverty which will certainly make dad look more appealing. I have started a get out plan, so I can get out of this ridiculous debt (50 thousand), I have 4 more years before it is paid off, then my life can start. Until then I am enjoying the good and baring the bad, and nurturing my son, when dad gets crazy, we enjoy the great outdoors. It is so hard though, because when things are good, they are amazing. This marriage had so many possibilities, there is a great love here, and it's addictive. But I love my sanity more.

Hi Emma,
I'm new too, I've come over from another forum (one which isn't very active).
I am in an abusive relationship, and I've been trying to work out what's wrong with me. Me ! It's not me, it's him! I've come to realise I'm being verbally, and sometimes physically, abused by a controller.

tripsmommy wrote:
My Husband and I have been married for 4 years, ...about 2 years ago, when we first started trying to get pregnant, the fighting got really really bad.

This is typical: abuse often starts once the abuser thinks he has you hooked/trapped with him: when you marry, when you get pregnant, when you buy a house together ... once you seem tied to him, he feels free to start controlling you, sure that you won't leave.

tripsmommy wrote: My husband is constantly criticising me, I don't have the right job, I work to much, I don't work enough,... He will do things like, turn on a Sunday Church program and then laugh at it

This is rude, disrespectful, and it's emotional/verbal abuse.

tripsmommy wrote: I'll start crying and ...I've tried to confront him... I've told him he makes me feel sad, he says I'm too sensitive.

This doesn't work with abusers. It makes them worse, because they feel good when you feel bad.

You need to learn some tactics to lessen the abuse. Normal rational behaviours like explaining, pleading, crying, etc do not work with abusers.


I highly recommend reading some good books on verbal abuse. They'll be listed on this forum, but in a nutshell the best ones include:
Power & Control, S.Horley
Lundy Bancroft, http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1361297869&sr=1-1?
Patricia Evans, Verbal Abusive Relationship

Your situtation is so very close to mine. I've been married for 13 years. In the dating relationship he was very loving and attentive. When we got married he suddenly started to shift. He says it's because I'm not submissive enough. He'll ask me what I think about something, but if I actually give my opinion and it differs from his...oh boy...watch out. If I "displease" him in anyway, he completely withdrawals from me. I get no affection..nothing...I get the silent treatment. I can't do anything right. I could make his favorite dinner and one time there's not enough salt, so I make it again and add more and then it's too salty. I made the wrong vegetalbe to go with it...I should have made green beans. So I make green beans and he says, "Why did you make green beans...what happened to the corn we usually have." UGH. I try to do things right....I try. I try to hang the clothes in the closet in the right order, facing the right way. I try to fold his pants just right. I try to keep his favorite chips on hand. I try to park the car the way he'd have me park it. And the list goes on and on.
For years I've thought that what he really wanted in a wife was a mini version of himself. My thoughts, opinions, reactions, etc should be exactly like him or I'm in the wrong. When he's pouting and withdrawn or upset about something I try to reason with him and it only makes him more upset. He has said on more than one occasion that he truly believes I do all these "wrong" things just to upset him...to be "defiant" against him.
If he does or says something that hurts me really badly (like recently he said he can understand why men kill themselves if their wives were like me), the crying only makes things worse. He can say the meanest thing, I start to cry, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I've really spent the last 13 years thinking I was at fault...I was a horrible wife. I needed to try harder. Love him more...respect him more. etc, etc, etc. But when he said what he did about killing himself I took a step back and said to myself..."No way...I am not that bad of person that I would make someone want to kill themselves just to get away from me."
So, here I sit, obessively reading posts on this website, researching different types of abuse, mental disorders....trying to find something the explains what he does. I love him and when he's in a "good mood" (which normally lasts about 2 weeks or so before something sets him off again) things are super. But, there's always something that triggers his "bad mood" again and the bad seems to last for weeks or months at a time before he pulls out of it. This cycle has happened over and over again so many times in the last 13 years that I've come to refer to it as the bad times to "being in a funk" and the good times as "Happy Joe".
I've begged him to seek consouleing with me to help our marriage work better, but he's not one to seek help. Of course, it doesn't help that he sees nothing wrong with what he does. It's all my fault.

-- Wed Jul 03, 2013 11:48 am --

Your situtation is so very close to mine. I've been married for 13 years. In the dating relationship he was very loving and attentive. When we got married he suddenly started to shift. He says it's because I'm not submissive enough. He'll ask me what I think about something, but if I actually give my opinion and it differs from his...oh boy...watch out. If I "displease" him in anyway, he completely withdrawals from me. I get no affection..nothing...I get the silent treatment. I can't do anything right. I could make his favorite dinner and one time there's not enough salt, so I make it again and add more and then it's too salty. I made the wrong vegetalbe to go with it...I should have made green beans. So I make green beans and he says, "Why did you make green beans...what happened to the corn we usually have." UGH. I try to do things right....I try. I try to hang the clothes in the closet in the right order, facing the right way. I try to fold his pants just right. I try to keep his favorite chips on hand. I try to park the car the way he'd have me park it. And the list goes on and on.
For years I've thought that what he really wanted in a wife was a mini version of himself. My thoughts, opinions, reactions, etc should be exactly like him or I'm in the wrong. When he's pouting and withdrawn or upset about something I try to reason with him and it only makes him more upset. He has said on more than one occasion that he truly believes I do all these "wrong" things just to upset him...to be "defiant" against him.
If he does or says something that hurts me really badly (like recently he said he can understand why men kill themselves if their wives were like me), the crying only makes things worse. He can say the meanest thing, I start to cry, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I've really spent the last 13 years thinking I was at fault...I was a horrible wife. I needed to try harder. Love him more...respect him more. etc, etc, etc. But when he said what he did about killing himself I took a step back and said to myself..."No way...I am not that bad of person that I would make someone want to kill themselves just to get away from me."
So, here I sit, obessively reading posts on this website, researching different types of abuse, mental disorders....trying to find something the explains what he does. I love him and when he's in a "good mood" (which normally lasts about 2 weeks or so before something sets him off again) things are super. But, there's always something that triggers his "bad mood" again and the bad seems to last for weeks or months at a time before he pulls out of it. This cycle has happened over and over again so many times in the last 13 years that I've come to refer to it as the bad times to "being in a funk" and the good times as "Happy Joe".
I've begged him to seek consouleing with me to help our marriage work better, but he's not one to seek help. Of course, it doesn't help that he sees nothing wrong with what he does. It's all my fault.

I would like to thank you ladies for posting. I too am brand new at this, but was just so surprised to find that I really am not alone in how I feel. I have spent the last 5 years truly believing I was the problem in the relationship. Until the last year, It barely ever crossed my mind that it was my partner that had the problem. Yes, I would get angry at him for the things he would say, but no matter what I couldn't change his mind so I believed I really was inadequate in all the ways he told me. I started individual counseling about a year ago to try to figure out how to learn how to cope with the "anxiety" that had developed during the course of our relationship. It took me a long time to realize that the anxiety wasn't the problem. It was him. We have attended couples counseling together but we couldn't get anywhere even with a professional trying to help us because he would dominate the conversation by blaming,telling the therapist how inadequate I was, and that it was my fault that he got so angry because I was the problem. The therapist would have to spend the majority of the session trying to get him to calm down making the sessions pretty unproductive. We recently separated but have two children together, I am now struggling with how to move on and heal, This is made more difficult as we still have to interact because of the children. He even more critical of me at this point because he is angry the relationship is over. I wonder if it possible to heal and move on? Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship in the future because of what has happened? How can I protect my kids from feeling the same way that I do without taking him out of their lives? Will my kids understand that I'm not the way he portrays me to be? How can I help my boys to not become like their dad. I have so many questions. I am working hard to take it day by day but sometimes it feels so overwhelming. I appreciate the support here. Thanks!

Hi,I would like you to read your post again & read it like it was from a friend or a stranger,just so that you can understand exactly what is going on here.After you do that I think you should read the definition of a sociopath or narscasist(sorry I cant spell it) I recently broke up with a very toxic man & read up those two topics on a couple of different sites & found it fascinating.All i read in your post is abuse & sadness for you,yet you say you love him.That makes me sad because you are losing your self & it will only get worse the more he chips away at you with all that emotional abuse.Seriously,read up on those things & see for yourself what he really is & what it's doing to you.Read other peoples stories of being in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder & you will get some perspective & realize what is really going on & how to deal with it.I started with datingasociopath which lead me to sociopathworld,I haven't read what is on this site yet with those issues but it will give you some direction.Good luck.