please help me

i have a boyfriend that i have been with for well over a year. he yells at me when he gets upset about something (not all the time but sometime) i asked him a question about a phone number on his dresser and he yelled at me and put told me to leave his house then called me a few minutes later and said he was sorry and i have a right to ask a question, i went right back over there and felt so low about going but i went. he tells me that our relationship is going find until i do stupid stuff, he told me i was childish and immature. he gets upset about the way i dress and said i should learn how to dress like a lady or at least my age (i am 42). he hurt me sexually one time because he was angry about something that happened he down played what he did, i knew there was something wrong with what he did but i acted as if it was ok. i have nightmares sometimes about him yelling at me and wake up crying and feeling bad about myself. i feel like i have to watch what i say because he has a way of making me feel bad when i thought i did or said something good. he never really listens to me or my opinions. he sends me flowers sometimes, he never really apologizies until the last few months. he went to a spiritual retreat and did apologize because he know he talks to much sometimes. i ended the relationship three weeks ago. have i been abused? i love him and he is not this way all the time, he can be so loving. i ended the relationship really badly by attacking all the things that i know he is insecure about because i felt so much anger and hate. i couldn't face him and say these things because i have always been afraid to talk to him. i did get up the nerve to go to his house and tell him that i was a human being with thoughts, feelings and opionions. the only thing he said was he was sorry for anything he ever did and it was never his intention to hurt me and that he was sorry he couldn't be the man i needed for him to be. he said everytime he was late coming to see me there would be issues. i just don't get it. i am confused, hurt, baffled. i have been afraid to leave my house for two days now. when i go out i feel so self-consious and afraid and i hear he is going on as if nothing is wrong. i feel defeated and guilty. he would tell me that i was getting sassy with him when i said something serious. please help me understand.

ugh! I just lost my post to you.

Basically, you deserve better, you are a human being that does not have to live with uncertainty and feeling unsafe.
He needs to catch himself before he goes on attack and you attack back.
Give yourself a time out, 5 or 10 minutes to cool off.

Always make "I" statements.
Never start with "you".....that is an attack.

If you have done everything you can, try couples counciling.

I want you to think about you and your boundries. Decide what you want for your life and stick to it.
He can either adjust, or you be proud of yourself for not letting someone degrade you, and set goals that you want for you.

Hope this helps,
Red