feeling completly hopeless and worthless

i just recently got out of a bad relationship..i am feeling like a wreck to be quite honest and not sure what to believe or what to think..
im hoping that writing out my story will maybe help me out a bit.

it started out perfectly...we both agreed that it couldn't last forever. we never argued, we spent all our time together, we were so completly in love and i had never experienced that before. i have had a few boyfriends before him, but he was really my first big love. i did everything for him, everything i did i thought of him, i was head over heals, and he seemed to be too.
i started noticing a few things when he was always wanting to see me, or talk to me, or know where i was and what i was doing.
it was weird to me, because i was ALWAYS with him..my family started to notice that i wasnt at home anymore, and he was basically my life. my friends soon faded away and all i had was him. he deleted all the numbers out of my phone except him and family, and constantly went through my laptop/facebook/msn. just to point out, i am 17 and he was 4 years older than me. soon he began to accuse me of cheating on him, or flirting with other guys, or he would tell me he was terrified to lose me, he had never met anyone else like me, and he had never loved anyone more. once school started, he began to become worse - he would have me call him in the morning when i got up, on my way to school, text him during class, go see him on my breaks, call him on my way back to school, see him after school, and call him before bed. he started coming to my school to see what i was doing, and constantly told me to quit my job and find a new one (he hated the people who worked there.) everytime we fought he would make me feel like everything was my fault, and i was the one ruining things, i was the one who should feel lucky to have him taking care of me. he told my many times that i treated him terribly, and i was hiding things from him. he said i used to be a slut and basically broke me down. however, he would also be very sweet, tell me i was amazing, beautiful, smart, etc. i soon saw his temper come out, and when we fought he began to accuse me of thing, calling me a sarcastic bitch, a lying bitch, and a cheating bitch.
i could not understand how someone who i gave EVERYTHING up for, and loved so much could be so mean to me. he was controlling my life, twisting my words, and making me depend on him. i finally put my foot down and said i need some freedom, i need you to stop accusing me of doing things and to listen to me..
he promised he would work on it, he knew this was his fault, he was going to do what he could to change, but it wouldnt be perfect. i felt like he was being genuine and i beleived he was going to change. i didnt tell anyone what was going on, as my parents didnt completly approve of the relationship, and i wanted to protect him. however, there were a few threats that he always laughed off as jokes, and a few things that just didnt seem right to me. i was so blinded by my love for him though, that i didnt care. i just thought he was being like this because he loved me so much. i know his father was abusive, and although he told me he never wantd to me anything like him, i can see that he is.

the only thing that scares me, is that if i didnt finally tell my parents and break it off with him (which was scary and painful as things escalated and nearly got out of control) is that i imagine going back to him. i know that i am so much better off, and i dont need that in my life, but i am so lonely, and feel like all the good times we had were so amazing. he was my first, and i hate that he has that part of me.
i want to move on so bad, but im finding it hard to let ho. i have good moemnts, and bad moments, and the sad thing is i dont know what to belive about the relationship anymore. i found out that he lied to me, trying to trick me into telling him things.

when i write it all out, its quite obvious that it was abuse, but i still dont know if i can believe it. i want to belive that he cared for me and that it isnt true. i just dont know what to think
my mom thinks i should maybe go to counseling and talk things out.

any ideas?

Hi. I am onebravegirl.
This EXACT same thing happened to me at 19. He turned out to be a pimp. He starved me, locked me in an apartment for days at a time alone and fed me every four days. I barely made it out alive.
Years later I came across this site:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Go there. Take the free test. Honestly answer each question. All that you need to know will be in the results of that test.
Honey, by leaving him, you just saved your life.
Your mom is right, you need to get therapy. Sort out all this crap so that you never fall for the same sort of man again.
Let me know what you think of the test. I'd like to help any way I can.
You are very fortunate to have such a caring Mom.
With Hope,
One

Wow, that sounds awful.
I know, I am very lucky, my family has been very supportive and helpful.
Thanks for the website, I'll check it out..
As for counselling, at this point I don't really want to go because I don't want people to think that I am messed up or in desperate need of therapy. However, it might be good to talk to someone and tell the whole story, because there is a lot I can't tell my parents, or anyone for that matter. They would be horrified.

I'm glad you made it out of your situation and thanks for the reply

No quality human being would think you are messed up or desperate when all you are doing is sorting out a difficult experience.
My concern is WHY you chose such a person. If you don;t figure out why you were attracted to that kind of person, you may very well end up with someone similar. That is why therapy is a good idea.
Please take the test. I think seeing the reality of what could have happened will help you see the profoundness of this issue.
One

I took the test.
It is kind of eye-opening to see that it definatly could, and probably would have, escalated.
I just don't want to believe that he was that kind of person, and it was that kind of relationship, but reality is that it was.
Honestly, he was not that kind of person in the beginning. I didn't know enough about him, and I foolishly thought I could trust him, and that I knew him. Once our relationship became serious and we had spent so much time together, it was harder to leave.
Thank god I did, though.
I guess I should consider myself lucky - I mean things could have gotten worse, and I might not have the support system I do now.
Still makes it the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.

Good girl. Sadly life has a way of getting hard or harder again. Make this experience count in your life. Let it help you be much wiser.
You had the strength to get out,now make sure you stay out.
And one more thing. Book mark that site. Pass it on to as many people as you can.
The creator of that site is Gavin DeBecker. He wrote a book every woman should read. Its called The Gift of Fear.
(Its available in paperback). I recommend it to everyone who wants to know the real value of their instincts and how to listen to them.
I'm so glad that you are safe. You should be proud of yourself!
One