Is my verbal abuse situation, different?

Hi All,

I'm new here to the forum, this is my first post. I've been searching for something like this to hopefully get some insight from people who are going through or have been through something similar that I'm experiencing. I'm 22 years old and I live with my 24 year old boyfriend and his parents. Bare with me, please try and help, here's the situation:

So back in April I moved in with my boyfriend into his parents house because the environment at my house was one I needed to get away from, we had been talking a lot about moving out and getting our own place together, so when I suddenly had had it with my own living arrangements at home, we said that this staying with his parents would be temporary for us. 6 months later and moved into a new house, we're still here with his parents. We were on the right track to moving out, as we were saving what we could over the months, up until recently he lost his job and has no income coming in. This has put a strain on our relationship, as I'm footing the bill for all of our expenses and am feeling a bit of resentment (cell phone, outings, gas, smokes, food miscellaneous stuff throughout the day, etc), Basically anything that requires money to acquire, I get it. I can tell my boyfriend is stressed beyond belief as money is a huge deal to him, and shows success, and respect, at least in his eyes, and he feels he's not really being a man or doing his job because he can't provide for me and feels he has nothing to offer. He had a tough time in his life getting into some trouble, so he's still paying for those times from long ago: has no car, thousands of dollars in tickets, bad credit. He also doesn't have a lot of...technological things, and gadgets, like I do, which I bring to the relationship so I feel he sometimes feels down about that as well. Like I have a macbook computer, a portable ipod player, an ipod, a big flatscreen tv, a fairly new car, and I also bought him the ps3 he has. All things we both share and enjoy but they were my personal belongings I brought into the relationship.

Over the course of the year and a half we've been together, he's demonstrated behaviors that I would classify as abusive, but I guess my whole question is....Isn't every case different? Since we've been together I'd say on 7 or 8 different occassions he's been verbally abusive, which IMO goes hand in hand with emotional abuse. He’s called me a “bitch”, “whore”, “hoe”, has pushed me, has grabbed me by the neck by my clothing, has thrown all of my clothes out of the closet, and has kicked me out of his mom’s house on 2 occassions, 1 being in the middle of the night. Besides those 7 or 8 incidents, he’s the sweetest, nicest boyfriend. He washes my laundry, cooks dinner since he’s the more kitchen savvy one, and just does little things to show he cares. He’s my bestfriend. The other day, frustrated and under financial pressure and just having an all out bad day, I accidentally “complained” about having to pay for something he wanted. He wanted me to take him to get a cell phone turned on, after I had given him 60 dollars that morning. I made the comment that I make “way more withdrawals at the bank than I do deposits these days” and he completely flipped, told me he didn’t need me for anything ever, packed up all my things I’ve ever given him, and left his moms house and said we were done. Well, that isn’t all he said….he also called me the listed names above, called me retarded, told me he didn’t love me, and told me to go hang myself because he doesn’t care what happens to me,….then he left. I’m confused because the incident with the cellphone and 60bucks happened Friday, and we were uneasy and not speaking until yesterday, Sunday, when he finally flipped and did all that I just said. Between Friday and Sunday, although we weren’t speaking, I thought we were just letting off steam, as he was still planning on getting a ride with me in my car, and was smoking my smokes with me all weekend. I haven’t talked to him since he left. He told me to not contact him, look for him, ask about him, nada….that I was a “negative, and needed to stay out of his life” because all I am is “negative” and all I do “is complain”. What’s going to happen to my relationship? I know there’s a typical pattern of abuse, but please before you just say “dump him!” let me say that from the time his abuse started to now, it has changed…he’s had more control, and yesterday was the first time in a long time I had seen him flip on me the way he did. We get into arguments like every other couple but nothing has escalated to the level it did yesterday in about half a year. I thought we were actually past the calling me names phase, because he was really working on it and making a positive change. I know that he’s under a lot of pressure with trying to find work and feeling emasculated because I’m the only one working right now so can that just all be too much for him and that’s why he really lashed out? Is he really done with me? Can our relationship be saved as long as it goes in a positive relationship like it was? Someone, help!

Signed,

Patient Capricorn

Hi! Welcome to the forum!
The thing about abuse is that it leaves scars. Even verbal abuse can do this. I bet if I asked you right now, you could recall his voice and the names he called you.
Things have been very stressful for you both. But in a relationship that has a future, you got to be able to communicate like an adult.
It takes work. And time. Time apart to think and not just be reacting off of each other.
I will tell you this. Every woman who has ever been hit by their man was first off called names and things escalated over time.
I'm going to give you a link to a site that offers a free test. The test will help predict if you are in an escalating abuse relationship.
These are questions that you need to pay attention too. How many of them relates to your situation.
The test is free like I said and confidential. No one need to know you took it but you.
If you would like to discuss the results here thats Ok, but for the time being, do not tell your boyfriend that you have taken it. Take time to process the results it gives you Ok?
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Take care, Your a smart girl to go looking for answers. Don't stop!
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