Is it really me? I feel like I'm going crazy :-(

My situation at home might take some time to explain, but I'll make it as brief as possible. We'll be married for three years on the 15th. When we were dating, everything was great. We talked about our previous relationships and the things that trigger a negative emotional response and made an agreement that we wouldn't do that to each other. So, we got engaged, found a house, moved in and got married three months later. It was like someone flipped a switch. I found out very quickly that I needed to say what he wanted to hear, not what I was thinking. I remember a couple months after we bought the house, a day before my birthday actually, I was very stressed because we were renovating this house and I had racked up around 7k on my credit card for things that kept popping up. I kept it all to myself and tried to go on without showing that anything was wrong. However, he started pestering me about what was wrong and I finally admitted that I was stressed out about money. He asked me how I was broke and I told him that I had been spending out of pocket on the house to not go over budget on the construction loan. He got *very* angry, said that he guaranteed that my engagement ring cost more than what I had put into the house, so he had actually put more money into it than I had, and basically threw $300 at me and said happy birthday. That was the start, and for the record I gave the money back to him as soon as I got my commission check.
Things started going down hill from there. You just don't know a person until you live with them and sign a paper that makes you legally theirs.

He started getting very possessive, jealous and more controlling both financially and about the things I did, where I went, who I talked to, when I went to bed, etc. He would get angry if I went to see my parents because that was time that I could have been spending with him. At that point it was more pouting than it was angry outbursts, and he would go a day or so without speaking to me. So, I started making my visits to my family less frequent, and I would only go out with my friends about once every three months or so, and I would make sure I was home at a decent hour.

The money issue continued to be a factor, along with everything else. He has no children and has always saved his money. I have children from a previous marriage. We have seperate bank accounts, and I was responsible for all bills other than the house payment. Well, my bills added up to around $3500 a month when you take child care, groceries, car payment, etc. into consideration. I tried to talk to him about that and he said that I had the kids before we met and they were my decision and they shouldn't be factored in to splitting bills. Same thing for the car payment. He was the "responsible" one and paid cash for his vehicle, and I should have done the same, therefore the car payment shouldn't be taken into consideration. Basically if he thinks I have an extra dollar he wants me to spend it, whether it's on dog food, or whatever. So he's kept me broke for the entire time.

Things really started getting bad within the past year. He would go through my facebook page and if he saw anything he did not like (which was all completely innocent) it resulted in a huge fight. I asked him to tell me who he had a problem with on facebook and he said "any guy that's not a coworker or family member" so I went through and deleted all of my old high school buddies. I've caught him snooping through my "for women only" forum. Not sure what he's looking for there. I have basically ceased all communication with my family and friends because of the fights that come from it. If it's a friend, it's a fight if they don't come to OUR house first so that he can actually see it's a girl that I'm out with. And if I go visit my parents, it's taking away from his time. The computer is a HUGE issue. He has told me that he has no need to interact with anyone besides me and that I should be the same way (!). He's started yelling and cussing at me, blaming me for him being in a bad mood, nothing I say is right, nothing I do is enough, etc.

A month ago he made an addition to the dog lot. He told me to get my oldest son out to pick up all the trash that was left (some zip ties, plastic bags, etc.). I got my son and showed him what to get and pointed the things out. I didn't check to make sure it was all done, which is my fault. Unbeknownst to me (or my son), he had moved most of the plastic bags and put them in a seperate pile a few yards from where I showed my son where the trash was. So, the next morning, he wakes me up and he's pissed. Wants to know if I told my son to get the trash up, and I said yes. So he takes me downstairs and points out the pile of bags and asks why he didn't get that up. I told him I didn't know, and that I didn't even know it was there. He said that he moved some of the bags thinking it would make it easier on my son. So he goes into my sons room, turns the light on, starts screaming at him jerking blankets off of him and slapping at him to get up. As my son (who had been awake for maybe 30 seconds) is walking to the door like he was told, husband slaps him in the back of the head, calling him a sorry ass, etc. Shows him the bags, screams some more, and then tells him to go get dressed and kicks him in the rear as he's walking off. I almost left that day, and I probably should have.

Most recently (like two weeks ago), a friend of mine wanted to meet me for dinner. Geographically, it would have been rediculous for her to drive to my house and then us drive to where we were meeting, so we met at the restaurant. I met her at 7:45, we sat at the bar and had a drink and talked while we waited on a table. Then we got a table, ate, had another drink and talked a little more. I was home by 11:30. Needless to say he was not happy about me being out "so late" when we were just going to eat. At Carabba's for goodness sake. There's always a wait to be seated anyway, especially on weekends!
So the next morning I get up at 6:00 since I have to have the house cleaned, shopping done, etc. by the time he gets home (he works on Saturdays). We have dinner and go out onto the porch. We were sitting next to each other just talking and picking around when he suddenly got quiet. I asked him why he got quiet and he said he was thinking. I should have stopped there but I kept talking and picking. I had my knees up with my feet on the seat of the chair. Out of no where he backhands me *hard*. At least it was my knee and not my face! I told him to *never* do that again, he gets pissed and walks inside. I come inside a few minutes later and we stay on the opposite ends of the house. He finally comes to me and asks me why I'm not talking (duh). I told him it was because I don't like being hit. He said he didn't hit, he slapped, there's a difference, and that he had told me to back off (basically to shut up). I told him that he did not say that, he said he was thinking. He said that I "should" have asked him what he was thinking about and if I wasn't so selfish that would have mattered rather than for me to keep talking.

Anytime we get nto an argument, he says that I don't act like I love him and that I act withdrawn and quiet and wants to know why. When I try to explain that I don't like arguing, he says that the things I do is why is in such a bad mood and if I would listen to him and do the things that he says that he wouldn't be in a bad mood. I'm starting to feel like it may be me, but logically I know that I've done nothing wrong. I've been as close to perfect as I can be. When things are good, he is the sweetest person.

How do I know if I'm being abused or just being petty and spoiled? I just don't know what to do.

You know you are being abused when you fear someone. It doesn't matter if it is physical or not. You know he should not ever slap you! It is sad that he doesn't help with the children's expenses. When you marry someone with children, it is a package deal. I would definitely say that he is being abusive. Would he consider counseling?

Justashell wrote:How do I know if I'm being abused or just being petty and spoiled?

You are being physically, psychologically, socially, and financially isolated. You are being belittled, demeaned, badgered, drained. You have been hit. The likelihood that it will be a one-time incident is slim to none. That you're confused is a reflection of how effective isolation is as a technique for ensuring that the abused is dependent upon, and less likely to escape, the abuser.

Justashell wrote:I just don't know what to do.

Find a domestic violence hotline, shelter, counselor. Get professional advice. Find a confidante, get non-wobbly legs under you. Take a long look at your situation with clear eyes and ask what you want your children to see, how you want them to live, what you really want for yourself.
And please be careful, which means take care of yourself.

Dove91801 wrote:You know you are being abused when you fear someone. It doesn't matter if it is physical or not. You know he should not ever slap you! It is sad that he doesn't help with the children's expenses. When you marry someone with children, it is a package deal. I would definitely say that he is being abusive. Would he consider counseling?

onthebrink wrote:

Justashell wrote:How do I know if I'm being abused or just being petty and spoiled?

You are being physically, psychologically, socially, and financially isolated. You are being belittled, demeaned, badgered, drained. You have been hit. The likelihood that it will be a one-time incident is slim to none. That you're confused is a reflection of how effective isolation is as a technique for ensuring that the abused is dependent upon, and less likely to escape, the abuser.

Justashell wrote:I just don't know what to do.

Find a domestic violence hotline, shelter, counselor. Get professional advice. Find a confidante, get non-wobbly legs under you. Take a long look at your situation with clear eyes and ask what you want your children to see, how you want them to live, what you really want for yourself.
And please be careful, which means take care of yourself.

Thank you for your insight and advice. I've started a diary that details the day to day interactions, and I'm planning on finding a counselor that will read it and help me make the right decision.