At last l can express my anger

l didnt know whether or not post on here or on the usual board l post on, but because the way l am feeling today relates to the way l was treated as a child, with very subtle abuse that did not even seem like abuse at the time, l will post here. l dont want to go into my entire story again so if you need to know a little bit about my background, just search through my posts. lf l relay my story yet again l won't get a chance to express the emotions l am feeling now that really do need to come out.

I saw my therapist today and it was the first time l spoke about and expressed the pent up ANGER l have been feeling for so long now. l developed a personality disorder because my parents treated me in ways that didnt allow me to be myself and developed a false persona as a response to their treatment of me. The therapy must be working because six months ago l was not able to articulate myself the way l am doing now. As a little girl my parents gave me lots of love and approval and material things but it was all conditional upon me being the perfect pretty little princess. l now know that they didnt ever really listen to me or my opinions and their cossetting and over protectiveness was actually quite abusive. My personality became stifled and l grew up as a people pleaser and the only real value l placed upon myself was related to the way l looked or how polite l was and l am sad to say that l carried on those patterns with my own kids and we became the perfect little family.

l grew up believing that l always had to be agreeable, nice, pleasant, polite, refined, gentle and if l showed any anger or disagreed with people that meant l was somehow bad. Of course like any other person l did feel angry etc but to me anger represented badness and l split off from the bad part of myself. l was never allowed to cry or be messy or do any of the normal things that children do and l grew up into adulthood carrying those same values. l ended up with men who objectifyed me and who did not take my opinions or feelings seriously. lf l cried l was dismissed and so l would cry harder or cause a seen just so that they would realise how badly l felt. Then l would be accused of being a drama queen.

When l met my present husband who is so good to me and patient and understanding l would panic if he didnt give me constant praise or attention. lf he ever seemed to ignore me it would just confirm the badness l felt deep down inside. l would cheat on him just to get attention and validation from him and the man l cheated with. l am not proud of that but l was so locked up in my own pain that l really could not feel empathy. Of course the guillt just confirmed to myself my inner sense of badness.

Through therapy l realised that my parents were actually emotionally and verbally abusing me. You don't always have to be insulted or shouted at to be emotionally abused. To be made to feel like a permanent child, and incompetant, not to have your opinions listened to, to be discouraged from branching out independantly, to be made to feel emotionally dependant on your parents and partners, to be ignored, talked over, dismissed, to have your tears invalidated, is abuse.

As a result of all this l developed the appeasing type of histrionic personality disorder and lost sight of who l really l am because l was never encouraged to be who l really am. l developed a false self that changed constsantly to please the person l was with. l eventually had a kind of a breakdown and everything came to the surface and that was the best thing that ever happened to me because l then began the therapy that is now giving me the key to release myself from the prison l am in. l havent opened the door of the prison yet as l am comfortable here in this dark place, but at least now l have the key and will one day open it and go outside and see and smell and hear the beautiful world outside.

l got angry today with my parents who are now dead and gave myself permission to feel the anger without guilt and know that it is okay to feel angry at this kind of treatment and yet still love my parents and know that in their way they loved me too. My mother seemed to have the more hysterical type of histrionic disorder and she too was a victim of her circumstances but that does not take away the damage her behaviour caused me. l now have to become responsible for my actions and not use the past as an excuse for wrongdoings and l also have to free myself from guilt inflicted upon me and know that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions and not have to be perfect all the time.

l feel quite depressed and sad and anxious tonight and l am glad about that because l need to be aware of my feelings and where they are coming from and to feel them and experience them and become more real as a person as a result of doing that.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and only l have the power to shape it.

Masquerade, good for you! You are right, the way your parents treated you is abusive and very unfair and cruel. It's awful not to let a child develop into a person. You didn't get emotional validation from them or your emotionally abusive partners, but you're getting it from yourself now and that is great. I'm sure others will find your post helpful.

Since my last post, other things have come to light. One is the fact that when I was 12 years old, my mother calmy put her hands around my throat. She seemed to have dissociated. My reaction? No emotion whatsoever. Calm. Accepting.

I can now remember this incident and have at last begun to feel the emotions associated with this. Yesterday I felt upset, jittery, angry etc and allowed myself to feel the entire range of emotions. I have decided that I hold within myself the power to live a healthy and productive life and to turn the past into a learning opportunity in which I can begin to heal,discover who I am and give myself the love that was denied to me as a child. It was not my fault. I did not deserve it.

I can either buckle under and continue with a victim mentality that could cripple me emotionally and continue making the same mistakes, looking for approval in sex, being manipulative and attention seeking, acting out and being destroyed by depression - OR I can TURN IT AROUND and learn from this. I can learn how to give myself compassion, gain a greater understanding of people, try to help others who have been where I have been. I can allow this to destroy me or I can now begin to live my life, to be the person that I would have been if none of this had happened. I can learn from the past. If what happened to me can be used constructively, then maybe one day I can reach out and HELP someone.

Now that I have acknowledged the emotions, they no longer have the power or the capacity to destroy me. I can now fight back, and perhaps the biggest way of fighting back is to learn to love myself, to make the most of this life as it is not a rehearsal and to truly learn how to love and to feel.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and no one here on the forum is truly alone, for everyone who reads your words is LISTENING. We here on the board hear you. You on the board hear me. Live your lives, and learn to be happy.

I'm sorry your mother did that. You must have blocked it out and now you have the resources to deal with it. You can talk about how it makes you feel here.