it's hard to accept that you've been abused

hi there,
i know i'm being abused (always that little doubt that abusers are sooooo good at making you believe). i know that i cannot stop the abuse. this has been going on since i was 8 months pregnant with my first child (which started by my abuser telling me that he didn't want the baby!)...what a blow! came out of nowhere! i just didn't get it. ok, so he's an angry man. ok, so he's had childhood issues with his parents. ok, he's tired. ok, he's sick. ok, he's bored....and there i begun a long journey of finding all the excuses for his behavior. damn, always seems justified in some way. obviously, the abuse started slowly and just keeps getting more frequent.
the insults began: you are good for nothing; lousy mother, whore, pea-brained, less than zero, an embarrassment, the biggest regret, and every "bad" word in the book. i had never, ever been treated in such a manner in my entire life, but, yes, those justifications were valid because i started believing him. i was those things. i was the reason why. it was all my fault.
the violence followed: punched, slapped, kicked, pushed, strangled, got lots of stuff thrown at me too. broken objects here and there. living in fear with my two children witnessing the entire drama.
just typing these words makes me realize how i am wasting my life away still dealing with this.
how to get away after having been threatened by death if i were to leave? i once read a woman who suggested not tolerating the abuse and standing up to the abuser. basically, even if it was killing you, show him that it's not working anymore: if you are no longer an available target he will be the one to leave because he needs to abuse. this method makes my abuser furious but i stand up to him and he knows that i'm serious now. he still abuses. he still tries to pull me down with him (and boy oh boy it is a dark, demonic place where he goes) but my back bone isn't slouching anymore...at least not in front of him. it's been an emotionally draining journey straight to a dead end. he'll never change.
i have never written on a forum before. it seems helpful to be amongst those who know what i'm living. here, with my abuser, i have no family and very little friends. i need to reach out to people who understand this kind of torment.
i wish you all well and hope that we can all find our own individual roads to peace and happiness.
thanks for listening

Jojo, you have to get your kids and yourself away from this man. Think about what his behavior is doing to your children, they don't deserve it and neither do you.
Get in contact with the police and you could find a shelter for victims of domestic violence. Do you have no other relatives at all? If he has told you he will kill you, he might keep his word whether you leave him or not. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are in danger.

Jojo,

Firstly, so good you got yourself and your k!ds out--that's the most important! But, I also think its so vital to now nurish yourself and your kids emotionally. I long ago found a book called Emotional Blackmail (you can eaa google this or on amazon site) that I found emmensely helpful to me.

Please take care, I'm sure that things are particularly stressful for you right now (and yes, those domestic abuse counseloes are VERY helpful especially at this time for you), and would love to hear your update (only when you're ready od course).

Many thoughts to you and your kids