Is it verbal abuse?

Hi all, i need to try and get something sorted in my head. I have had a relationship with a women for 6 years. She is a very beautiful looking women & i worshiped the ground she walked on. She would make me feel like the happiest man alive, but from time to time, she'd change, snap, and start saying things like "your a loser, your friends say your a loser, no one wants you, you smell, you are ugly". It didnt happen all the time, but it would always be when i was low or was trying to tell her how i feel. On a number of times, we'd be having a really good time then suddenly, out of the blue, without warning she'd change & those words would start to come out. Once i asked which friends had said that & was told it was one of my longest & closest friend, and other friends that it just didnt fit their character . So i confronted them. All of them said why would i say that & looked puzzled. So i went back to my partner, explaining what i did & she said that they are lying & they did say those things. Now my partner claims that she never lies & swears that my friends are. It got to the point where i started to get paranoid, i was believing her, couldnt trust my friends anymore. But one time when she was saying the usual things, she said my sister had also told her that im a loser. Now i know my sister would never say that, it just didnt make sense. It was really doing my head in, as i loved this woman & why was she saying such things? It got to the point where i had to talk to someone. So i went to my friends and told them everything, they where pretty shocked by it.
For my last birthday my partner didnt want to spend the day with me, but instead wanted us to go & stay with her friend who i had only met once. As it was my birthday, i wanted to be with my friends. So my closest friend said he'd arrange for a group of us to go for a meal . When i told my partner what i was going to do for my birthday, she flipped & started saying that "No one will turn up for your meal, Your a loser & no one likes you" she was quite angry @ the time. So i decided not to mention it again. Birthday came & twenty of us went for a meal. As i was worried about her reaction i told her i was going for a drink with a mate. The next day i told her what had happend & she went mental, saying i did it on purpose to make her look bad & she'd seen people that went for my meal & they said "it was a rubbish night " Our relationship from that point hit rock bottom. All i want to know is, is this verbal abuse? or is it me just being too sensitive?

You being too sensitive? - No way dude. Something tells me that she is angry at you because she's upset or depressed about something (something that she hasn't yet revealed). Depression can sometimes come out in the way that she is behaving. There could be a whole host of other reasons for her behaviour in general though. Jealousy is another possibiluty - could she be jealous of what you have in your life? Do you have more friends than her?; are you more 'successful' than her (re: career)?

I behaved like her many years ago when I was a kid, and towards a guy who I wanted to be friendly with. I saw that he was making friends more easily than I was, and my frustration came out in the form of abusing him, just as your wife abuses you now. I learned a lot from that experience and have never repeated it.

Kevin

Chucky, I second your suggestions wholehartedly, there's something critically wrong with this situation. Indeed...

masterwonkey wrote:All i want to know is, is this verbal abuse? or is it me just being too sensitive?

Yes this is Emotional and Psychological Abuse. It is designed to undermine your self-confidence and isolate you from your friends and family. Look up Relational Abuse. It's a sign of someone with some severe issues. It's a no win situation. It escalates over time. You mention 6 years, that's longer than than this usually takes, but it's also a problem that escalates over time.

I was subjected to... "You're an embarrasment, you're a loser, you can't do anything right."

Isolation tactics... severe arguments if I spoke with anyone. She even attempted to control everything about my existence. Right down to what I wore. She made all the decisions. I never had any say. If I asserted, she would kick me out of the house. Spread rumours, exactly as you're describing. She justified drinking and driving, and dangerous actions. What I could and could not order off the restaurant menu. Eventually I wasn't allowed to go anywhere with her. She cut off the home phone and controlled the only phone in the house, which was a cell-phone she had with her all the time. Next thing you know, you're a servant bowing to her every wish. Constant threats to end the relationship. Domestic contracts... control, control, control. While she spreads rumours on another level to the people she knew I might contact trying to undermine trust in everyone. This is very common domestic abuse/violence behaviour, and the sign of someone struggling with moral and consciencious decisions. Also a sign of someone that was potentially subjected to abuse when they were growing up. It's going to get worse before it gets better. These sorts of people, and men do it to, target other people with low self-esteem, or struggling with identity issues. This was set in motion from the day you met.

I hate to say, but you enabled this behaviour by 'worshipping' her.

What happens if you suggest counselling? My bet is... "You're the one with the problem, it's not me, you're the loser who needs help."

All I can say... Document this process. IF you decide to continue this relationship, and things get worse. Be careful. She's going to point fingers, and really throw on the theatrics. Who knows, what's really driving this.

Be prepared to take out a restraining order, or a do not contact, if you choose to leave. There's a potential this may get aggressive. I'm envisioning, "NO ONE LEAVES ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT." Been there... done that. Deep down, she's nothing more than a bully. But there's a good chance, she'll flip stories of abuse against you, and do her damndest to flip her behaviours on you, this is usually successful when it comes down to it. That's a scary reality. Be extremely careful in this case. If the police get involved for whatever reason, there's a good chance they'll side with her. Last thing you want to be doing is sort this out in a court of law.

You can either take your chances, or make efforts to shield yourself. Having been in this position far too many times, it never worked out in my favour. And the court both times sided with the 'victim'.

If she opts to get help, that's a different story. But I'm guessing this is a person that can do no wrong. Only you know what she's like. But she needs to get help. If she won't, or deflects, you're the one who's going to lose in the long run. Sorry...

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Look for other symptoms of anxiety. Drinking a lot, drug use, skin picking, obviously feelings of insecurity. You're probably overlooking them... this won't be the only thing going on. More than likely what she's projecting on you, is really how she feels about herself. She could very well be doing this to seek attention, and despite her possibly being very beautiful, she may suffer from self-esteem and self-worth issues, and other personal acceptance issues. Isolate these in yourself as well. They creep up on you. I don't know how long she's been doing this, but it will start to effect you. Then again, I could be completely off, wrong, and way out there reading into something that not even there. Only you can make those decisions. Peace.

Very simply - YES IT IS ABUSE and she is trying to isolate you from your support system to gain control.

The relationship is over, her choice, on the grounds that i behave like a child, im a passive agressive and she hasnt loved me for months. We own the house between us. I paid £100000 deposit & we share the mortgage of £80,000, 50 50. When we moved in, she would only let me put all my things in the study, rest of the house is full up with her's and i mean full up. So rather sleeping in her bed surround by her things i decided to move her things out the master bedroom & all my things in. That way i dont have to see her much. She didnt like this so smashed up my macbook. Called the police only for her to deny touching it. Now she is acting as the whole house is hers, including my room which she just walks in (doesnt knock) But saying im not allowed anywhere else but kitchen & bedroom. I really dont know what to do, im seeking help by going to the doctors, but i need to know the english law in these situations. One big problem i have is she works as a mental health socialworker, and knows all the jargon etc. She is clever and im worried that she is going to stitch me up

masterwonkey wrote:One big problem i have is she works as a mental health socialworker, and knows all the jargon etc. She is clever and im worried that she is going to stitch me up

Call a lawyer... try legal aid... talk to your doctor and find out if there's support groups.

Whatever you do... don't touch her. Get a tape recorder, try getting evidence... mentional Relational Abuse to your doctor. You're in a very bad postion. I think you know this. Best of luck.

I SECOND THE TAPE RECORDER!! I am so sorry she is doing this to you. what a hard situation. Get legal aid as soon as possible. This is likely not something that can be managed on your own based on the past things you've told us all.

It is a hard situation. She told me today that my friends think i have been childish, with my recent actions. So i've been to see a solicitor regarding the house & im pretty much entitle to 50% of the rooms. So i think im being pretty reasonsible just using 1 room. Im also letting her keep her clothes in the wardrobe. But im having second thoughts about that as it give her an excuse to just walk in, & she does.
I have also been to the doctors today and he has put me on antidepressant. Hoping that it'll keep me calm & i'll ignore her digs, but its going to be hard. I also got the house valued today & i cant afford to buy her out. But she is now being awkward about it saying that if she doesnt make £20,000 out the sale of the house, then she is not selling. And just to be more difficult, she is saying, that because she got £10,000 not off the buying price, i have to give her that too. There is nothing she can do about it. Just really starting to think she lives in a different world to the rest of us.....

hey i think you are really very sensitive...becuase what i think is this is not verbal abuse...sometime people may sound harsh and what we believe is that this is verbal abuse whereas this is not. we should learn to interact with people and should make ourself strong enough to know when people are harsh or not