Leaving an abuser

Hi all

Having come to terms with the fact that I am being emotionally abused by my wife, thanks to the excellent help I have received here, I have decided that she is unlikely to change and that I want to remove myself from the situation.

There is a complication, however, which is that we have 2 young children. I can't fault her as a mother, only as a wife and partner, so I see no reason why I would be given custody of the children, so I will find it difficult to leave them. This gives her an emotional lever to try to make me stay, which I know she will use to its fullest.

If I tell her I am going to leave (which I have tried before) she will use emotional blackmail to try and make me stay. This makes me feel weak because I know she has some power over me that I don't understand, even though I am unhappy and no longer love her. So what I am wondering is what my best strategy would be? Tell her I'm leaving? Just leave one day?

Any help appreciated as I feel I can't go on with the situation how it is, it just makes me hate myself for giving in so easily

SplodgeBunny

SplodgeBunny, why exactly would you not be entitled to custody of the children? You are their biological father and it seems as if you have done little wrong. From my perspective, in fact, she is not being a good mother by blackmailing you to stay with her. If she recognisdes that the relationship has failed, then blackmailing you to stay could be worse for your children in the long term. Divorces happen a lot thuese days, and guys who are worse than yuo are still getting custody of their children. I honestly see nio reason why you would'nt be entitled, based on what you've written here.

Regarding your own future specifically. are you prepared to spend the rest of your life like this? You only get one shot at life, you must remember. Once you have made your decision to leave, stick with it and dont let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Kevin

Well, to be honest, I just assumed that the courts would side with the mother unless there was a really good reason not to.

No I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life like this. Until recently I have felt like it was worth the bullying, put-downs and sadness that I feel in order to be with my children. But, as people have pointed out, it isn't a good example to my children to see a relationship like that. which I can relate to because that's how my parents acted too (but with my dad as the bully).

I have already decided that I must leave, for my own sanity. But I am afraid of the emotional torture I would receive if I were to announce it in advance of actually leaving :s

SplodgeBunny

Do'nt you have to announce it in advance of leaving? It's not as if you can just pack-up and leave one day, and then send her a message to say that you've gone and won't be going back. You can go through all of this methodically and logically. Maybe i'm interpretting what you said wrong though..?

Kevin

Why can't I? If it was physical abuse nobody would expect me to take a beating over it would they? I'm scared of her and the repercussions of leaving. At the moment, doing a runner is looking very tempting. I know there would be lots to sort out, but at least I would be away from her control and influence

On face-value of yuor situation, it is not what I would do. Howevr, I have never been in a situation like yours and therefore I can only trust that your intention to run is indeed the best option. You certainly do'nt come across as severely lacking in intelligence, but please make sure that you are confidant about what you're doing. If there is any doubt, then you'll be easily struck down by her after you have left. Once yuo make your decision on what to do, then stick with it.

Kevin