Is this emotional abuse?

My husband and I have been together for 16 yrs. About a year and half ago I left him, taking our 3 kids. He had been cheating...several times in our marriage and I'd just found out. I almost left the year before because of how he treated me. I had ppd/a after our 3rd child and he didn't believe me even though I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. He yelled at me for stupid things like housework even though he'd never help. He lost his temper often and I would get anxious just knowing he would be home from work soon. I did everything...cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, bills/balancing checkbook, all the childcare...but it was never good enough. I was a sahm and lived with my family for a few months until I got a job and rented a house. We went through the entire process of divorce and I was even seeing someone who was really good to me.

Then the day of our divorce we started talking again. We withdrew the divorce that week and he has been living with me ever since. Most of my family was against it. We went to a marriage counselor and it seemed to help but looking back she had said that "if someone cheats it's usually because the wife is more interested in children, mother or something or the husband is more interested in friends...blah blah and there is disconnect in the couple". That's the jist of what she said. I felt like he was basically being let off the hook for his actions. He did change some things though, like helping around the house and with the kids more. But it's been about 9months and it happens less frequently.

He has started with other things too. We quit smoking, for 3 months, and I started again and the first time he saw me have one we were at my friends house (lots of people we didn't know were there too) and he grabbed my hand and squeezed to get me to let go of it and gritted his teeth and I could see the seething anger. Just a night ago he got mad at me for buying a 1-piece bathing suit and said that I have just given up on losing weight and am just settling (I need to lost 10-15 lbs maybe) and I told him it's just more comfortable. He was really just mad it was not a 2-piece! Last night he blew up because I didn't get a big enough burrito for him. I'm in school full-time since I was laid off in January and I'd picked up food on my way home. I'd made dinner for the kids before I left for my last 2 classes of the day. Today when I called him (because I'm expected to at least twice a day, he acted as if nothing had happened. I don't know what to do. I am a strong person around anyone but him. I really thought he could change but I'm worried how his behaviour could affect my girls. I also don't want to jerk them around. He has no patience with the kids either and and yells at them for the dumbest things. He lets them watch inappropriate things on TV just because he wants to watch them(things that are too graphic, violent, scary for their age). My friend thinks I should leave again but I really need some unbiased advice. Is it possible for him to change?

Lynn

Anyone can change, Lynn, but they have to want to. Do you believe he actually wants to change?; is he so arrogant that he won't let anyone help him? You both managed to come back from the brink of divorcing, but to have it happen again is a no-no. What I mean by this is that if you decide to go for a divorce again, then stick with it no matter what. Alternatively, if you are both to stay together, then he has to show a willingness to improve by - for example - regularly seeing a therapist or other professional. He could get in touch with one by going to ye're local doctor at first, and then getting a referral.

By the way, I believe that counsellor you both went to wasn't really defending his actions. He/she was just trying to define why he was doing what he was doing, and you must remember that she was trying to keep you both together. So, if she had lambasted him, that wouldn't really have been encouraging for you to stick with him.

Take care and best of luck,
Kevin

Thanks, Kevin. He keeps wavering on whether he wants to go back on Prozac or not. I really think it would help him with his short temper but he's afraid he won't react to things at all. We have mostly good days and only a few bad, but there just seem to be more and more fights (with him losing his temper) between us over really trivial things. They just get blown out of proportion. I tend to get blamed when things "go wrong" or he turns things around and it just becomes something I've supposedly done. Like last night, I was working on a presentation for school (and decided to sit outside on the deck for some quiet) and after I asked him to make dinner, he came out to grill (which I appreciated). The kids were inside watching TV. Well, they helped themselves to some granola bars without asking and didn't eat much of their dinner. He started yelling at them for not eating and yelling at me for letting them have granola bars. I was blamed even though we were both home. He thought it was more my responsibility because he was grilling. I told him I usually cook and watch the kids (at least check on them) and it was both of our faults not just one of ours. Then I get "just cause you're in school doesn't mean you're not their mother" speech, which is just ludicrous! I take care of them all day except when they're with the sitter when I'm in class. Next comes money and how I wouldn't be able to go to school if it weren't for his job, and I remind him of my unemployment check and not paying a full-time babysitter. Then he starts saying they should only have 3 meals a day and no snack which is unreasonable considering they're 7, 5, & 3. We did finally work it out but it took a few hours and then I was up late working on my presentation. I'm so tired of little things getting so blown up. Maybe individual counseling would help him? Not sure I could convince him to try though...Feeling like we're having the same kind of fights we had before we were separated...

How often does he use that 'just cause you're in school doesn't mean you're not their mother' argument? If he uses it most times you both argue, then it might indicate that he dislike the fact you're studying. Maybe he would prefer you to be doing something else, but it is your life of course and you should do whatever you want to do. Either way, his argument about watching the kids that night is pretty baseless. He seemed to be more blaming others for his own errors.

If you can get to individual counselling then by all means do so, but how are you going to get him to go? Whatever happens, make sure that you don't make the same mistakes each day. If things don't change, then you know what'll ultimately happen.

Kevin

It sounds like emotional abuse. My Situation was very similar. I tried many to times to end it but was somehow sucked in to going back. When eventually did. After 9 months of being separated I started to try and sort things out with promises from him that he would change. And he did for a time, but slowly he started to be the same again. I am out now, for good, with the divorce hearing coming up in a couple weeks. But it is still a long road ahead.

Even after you leave an emotionally abusive relationship the hurt, anger, low self esteem is still there to be worked through. The sooner you're free the sooner you can work through it.

A couple things I learnt... It is ok to end it. Even if they are suddenly say oh but I'll change, there is a such thing as it being too late. Its ok to say I'm burnt, I'm done, I'm not willing to risk any chance of it happening again. Also, one of the signs of emotional abuse is not trusting your own judgement. Which makes it near impossible to make a decision and feel comfortable with it. If that's the case talking to a psychologist or counsellor is very helpful. Just be honest with them and don't pretend evrything is ok (it took me two years of therapy before I actually brought anything up)

Finally, don't minimise things. Chance are you are not blowing things out of perspective.

IT IS NOT OKAY for him to grab your hand so hard it hurts
IT IS NOT OKAY for him to yell at you over the housework
IT IS NOT OKAY for him to blame you
IT IS NOT OKAY for him to put you down and belittle you about him bringing in the money or anything else
IT IS NOT OKAY for him to yell at the kids for any reason
IT IS OKAY TO LEAVE..It will affect you and the kids. I have three boys and I've seen how it affected them. Do it for you but If nothing else do it for the kids.