I don't know how to get out of this I feel my life is ruined

I feel I am ruined as a person I don't think I'll ever be the same again I am only 20 years old but have been with my current boyfriend since I was 15. For the first two years we didn't argue AT ALL. And I really mean that we got on so well and it was all perfect.

Now he verbally abuses me on a regular basis and mostly I don't even remember the reasons for his outbursts (what I did/said) and then he goes on and on for an hour or two and sometimes more. Some of the things he says to me are the nastiest things I have heard come from anyones mouth, talking to me or not. He says he loves me but recently I have come to the conclusion that that cannot be possible he offers me no emotional support what so ever. If I cry about anything - to do with him or not he gets angry and says i'm pathetic and that I need to toughen up. The names he mostly calls me are ######6 bitch, twat, slag, idiot, stupid, pathetic, are you thick?, duhhhh, arsehole, pussy etc. A few days ago him threatened to spray air freshener in my eyes if I didn't get out the house. I have come here today for help after in the middle of last nights rage he said 'You don't even look at me when your sucking my dick' etc and I realised just how far his anger has gone.

What hurts and frustrates me the most is that he never used to be like this and I feel like I am forever waiting for the old him to be back, the one that only had good things to say about me and who would tell me im beautiful.

I would just like some positive feedback please I have no friends in real life to talk to about this everyone I know is his friend more than mine. My mum also thinks I am pathetic for putting up with this so I cant talk to her as I often end up in a worse state than I was already in. I have even considered quitting my job over this as I walk around work like a zombie not talking to anyone and even when I do try and have a conversation with someone I find it hard to listen because my mind is just ticking over everything I'm thinking about and I just end up replying 'yes' or 'no' Its as though im in a constant state of shock.

What is stopping you from leaving? You know full well that the only solution is to leave. The old boyfriend is not returning, and if anything his behavior will escalate. This problem just won't go away, and you shouldn't sit there and take it. Google an abuse hotline so you can speak with someone who will act as a support and even a driving force to get you to stand up to this person.

Because I still love him and I'm scared of being alone. If I left him I would be totally alone, everyone I know I know through him and they would all take his side because hes such a lovely guy... I have been with him since I was 15 and have never faced the adult world alone, I just don't think I would be able to handle it and I hate change. If I did I would have to start my life from scratch. He isn't like that 24/7 he has his nice moments too and I guess that keeps me hanging on as well

So you're not going to seek support from an abuse help line. Good choice.

You're 20. Your life has barely begun, and staying with this man will make your self esteem plummet even further not to mention stagnate your life. Quit with the excuses as to why you refuse to leave, and think more rationally that it is in your best interest to do so. Evidently you're one of those people, who if learning ever comes, it comes the hard way.

I know its hard to leave. I've been there. They give you just enough good times to convince you that life isn't that bad. Guys like this don't change for good. (they might change for a week or a month even, but then things go back to normal)

I would cut all connections with him and his friends. Start from scratch. I know being alone and without him sounds scary, it is a huge step to take, but the relief you will feel after leaving is worth it. The freedom to be who you are deep down. To not be worried that you might say or do something that might upset him.

Don't let him destroy what is left of you. You can rebuild and regain yourself

Seriously call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Domestic Violence is not just physical. Emotional and verbal abuse(which IS what you are living with) is domestic violence too.
Call them to at least talk.

One tough bit of advice I received.... We think we can't make a decision, because its too hard to choose to leave, but staying is a choice. Everyday you stay with him you are making a choice. Make a new choice that will make you happier in the end.

I know it's tough. I was in a similar situation..it's the hardest thing in the world to find out that your relationship that was once to amazing and wonderful can turn into a nightmare. I just broke up with my boyfriend who had become emotionally abusive and controlling. One time I was crying because I had lost all my friends (because of him) and he got angry at me because he thought I was mad at him, and I should stop crying and being a baby.
Listen, you don't need that in your life - you deserve to have what makes you happy. Sure, you may have your good moments and times when you think that you can't live without him, but does the good outweigh the bad? Probably not.
I was scared that when I left my ex, I would have no one and be complelty alone and lost. I found out that my family was incredibly supportive, my co-workers had saw what was happening and are there for me, all my old friends came back and we are now closer than ever. It might be scary, but the freedom and release of all the pressure and stress you have been building up will be worth it. I'm not saying that it's easy, because I know it's the hardest thing in the world - being in an abusive relationship is like being brainwashed and you think that only you and your partner know whats going on between you.
I hope everything works out for you, just remember you are not alone.

Staceee,

I had to get out of a horrible situation about a year and a half ago myself. It was scary for me as my ex was highly manipulative and a bully. After I removed him from my life I felt so much better - it was an immense relief.

You've described being in a zombie like state - I know the feeling. Living in a constant state of distress will do that to you. You should not be subjected to the treatment that you're receiving. It sounds like the situation is making you depressed and that can make everything seem so much harder.

You seem like you need to get out and if that's what you decide then it may help you to make a plan. Make sure that you leave with anything that is precious to you so that he won't have any hold on you due to it. Make sure you leave with enough things that you need. Make sure that you have somewhere to go - Yellowroses's suggestion of calling a helpline that can help you with that is a good one. If a friend can help you get out - ask for their help - that's how I got out in the end. Even telling a close friend can help you get up the courage to act on what you need to. And I can guarantee you that your friends won't all take his side. I thought that, but I found out afterwards that it just wasn't the case.

Tell your mum you're scared and tell her that you want to get out and want help if you can manage that. I so wish that I'd done that myself - I'd have gone through 4 less months of hell.

Look after yourself honey, you are important and you deserve so much better than to be treated like this.

*Edit* Just to add - when you manage to get away - stay away. Don't give him the opportunity to try to use emotional blackmail to get you back into the same situation.