Is this abuse?

Hi all

I've been wondering for a few years whether I am being emotionally abused by my wife. But I feel like my confidence has been so erroded away that maybe I am not, and that I just lack confidence or am weak.

I find that she has a very different demeanor when we have visitors than when we are alone. When there are others there she is helpful and friendly, making drinks and offering to do things. When we are alone she will always make me do everything even if she isn't doing anything at the time. If I refuse I am accused of not being loving or made to feel like I am failing some duty as a husband. There are times when, having been at work all day, I come home and have to make dinner, wash up, make drinks, put children to bed, all while she watches tv. I used to think this was laziness, but now I am wondering if it a form of control.

I receive no affection from her. We never have sex except when conceiving children, and even then it isn't a passionate affair. Sex is strictly controlled and if I don't want to I am accused of not finding her attractive. She never hugs me or kisses me except a peck, never tells me she loves me or says anything nice about me. She will often demean me by saying that I am stupid or fat or useless. She has also destroyed or thrown away my belongings in the past. On one occasion I asked her not to but was accused of being silly, as though my feelings don't matter.

I feel as though I am trapped in a loveless relationship with someone that doesn't care about my wellbeing, but just wants to control me. I have no friends because I am never able to go out as going out means not being at home, which means I am accused of not wanting to spend time at home.

Please, can somebody tell me if this sounds like abuse? Or am I just weak and under confident?

Many thanks

Hi, splodgebunny! You are being emotionally abused, you're not just too sensitive or under confident. You don't deserve to be treated this way and it's not a good example for your children either. Abusers tend to make sure you have no friends or social life, so you won't be able to get support from any one and get away from them.
How does she treat the children?

She is pretty god with the kids to be honest, though does have a tendency to lose her temper a little easily. That said, she leaves everything to me once I am home and at the weekends and does practically hardly anything for them

I know, though, that if I left her I wouldn't get custody of the children because she is so believably nice to everyone else. I don't really know what to do

I think you should stand up to her and maybe get her to lose her "mask" that way. She might start accusing you of bad stuff, maybe even to other people, but it's a start. Just don't do what she says and if she starts yelling, leave the room. How old are the kids?

The kids are young, 3 and 2 years old. I love them very much but I'm sure life is supposed to be more fun than this. I just feel like a slave but if I ever try and broach it with her I end up feeling like it's be that's in the wrong. In the past I've believed that it was me that was wrong, but now I am not so sure. I am often blamed for ruining my kids lives when all I have done is love them and care for them

Well, it sounds like she's disturbed. Is there no one else in your family who knows what she's really like?

I don't even know if she know's she doing it, but she certainly denies it when, in the past, I have tried to talk to her about it. My sister knows a little, but only what I have told her. My wife is totally different around other people than when we are at home

It sounds to me like you might have to work "from the inside" if she's the one who'd get the kids in case of a divorce (and she wouldn't deserve to get them). You could get some therapy and deal with your own issues so you can stand up to her. I know you're in a really bad situation, but there is always something you can do and you're brave for not just leaving the children.

Therapy sounds like a great idea but I can't see how I would ever get to go because I couldn't tell her where I was going and I also would get such grief for going out when I could be at home, which is why I never do. Why do people want to control other people like this? Does it really make them happy??

They're just sick, that's why they do it. It's not your fault, even if she wants you to think that it is. Think about something you could tell her you're doing while you're out having therapy, we have to come up with something.
You know, some people might not take this seriously, especially since she's a woman and you're a man, but it is serious. You have to remember that and not lose hope or strength.