Is this abuse?

It's good to hear someone say that as I have considered that, it's not something that seems believable and I'm sure people would just be wondering why I don't just leave (which actually I would love to do if I could take my kids with me). Also it took me a long time to realise I was being manipulated and wasn't just stupid or incompetent.

Of course you weren't being incompetent or stupid. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer too and find out what your chances of keeping the kids would be.

Jasmin has some very fine advice for you here. If I could just add one thing. If you do not want to be a door mat, do not lie down. We all teach people how to treat us. Your passive nature is allowing her to keep on abusing you. It is definite abuse. BUT like any adult, you have to get yourself out of the abuse. Perhaps you cannot get your kids custody, but you will be teaching them that there is another way to live and they will appreciate the contrast in behavior between mom and dad as they get a little older.
It is such a sad fact that people seem to overlook the fact that men are abuse victims too. This will wear you down next to nothing if you live with it long enough. Men commit suicide over things like this. That certainly would be no legacy to leave you kids. Be the Hero for you and for them and put your foot down.
If you are not sure where to start, might I suggest a family doctor? Confide in a professional. If it is marked down in chart way before things get heated it may work to your benefit, should legal issues come along. Your Family doctor may suggest some counseling for you. If this is recommended and your wife doesn't like this idea, she is really revealing her controlling nature in a more public way. Your Doc can be a advocate for your Health and perhaps explain to her in vague terms so as to make it easier for you.
You are an individual with the same rights as ever other person on earth. You are allowed to feel fear, pain, loss, tears. You are deserving of equality, love, tenderness, forgiveness and JOY in your life.
With Hope,
One

Good advice both, I had been thinking last night and this morning whether anything about me perpetuates the situation but I guess you are right, my passive nature allows it to continue. Seeing the family doctor is a definite possibility as I can say that it is about something else when I go.

Many people have said similar things about teaching my children the right way to behave, but until now I haven't really been able to see it. I suppose I see the family as something that should be preserved, but then my family life as a child wasn't particularly normal either and I'm not sure that turned out for the best really.

Your comment about joy really resonated with me - I'd love some joy!

Good ideas, One! You're going to find the right way to deal with this, splodgebunny. Take your time and do what's right for you, it's going to be ok.

I hope so

Things are never simple. I suspect that your wife is not happy either. She may have deep seated issues of her own. If she has taken out her frustrations on you it may mean that she is using you as an excuse to avoid dealing with her own baggage. Another option may be to approach this as a concerned marriage mate. Sort of a "Look hunny, It seems like you are not very happy and I know I am not, How about we get some help together?". It is very easy for women to get frustrated when they are not communicated with. It can almost feel like hate, but it can be just an inability to articulate how they really feel. A Marriage councilor may be an other option. If she is not the same person you married then there may be a history between the two of you that has made her feel a build up of resentment. I do not know if you have tried to speak to her heart to heart or not, but most women can really turn into Bitches if they feel wounded. This is not to say that you are to blame in anyway, my point is that she too may be very unhappy and wishing for a solution for the two of you.
Marriage is never simple.
With Hope,
One

Unfortunately I've tried that. She maintains that she is happy and somehow it ends up with being me that has a problem because I'm not. I honestly don't think she is unhappy, if I had a slave that would do everything I asked and I didn't have to give them anything in return I probably wouldn't be complaining either. The difference is that I wouldn't do that. I thought marriage was supposed to a collaboration, not a dictatorship

The thing is, she has always been like that but somehow convinces me that I am being unreasonable. It probably is partly the way I was brought up as my dad was very similar to how my wife now acts. I have a lot of sympathy for my mum who was probably feeling just like I am feeling now

So what would happen if you told her that she was right, you are not happy and you want to do something about it? Tell her you think you are messed up and that you think you should go get some help to figure out how to be a better man. Maybe she won't realize that it will end up in you learning how to say no and stand up for yourself. But by then you will have a therapists support to deal with her reaction.
One

Hmmm, hard to say but (and I don't mean this as a slight on you) I think you are underestimating her powers of control/persuasion. What I would guess would happen is that I would temporarily be told I was lovely and wonderful and there was nothing wrong with me and there was no need to do that etc etc until I felt so bad about going that I wouldn't go