Am I verbally/emotionally abused? or is it just me?

I am in a long distance relationship with my gf. For the past 2.5 years, she has picked a fight with me about 300/365 days a year. In these fights, I am not allowed to say anything bad (such as swearing) and have to watch my tone (ie. no talking in a rude tone or yelling). Of course I admit I usually cannot completely control myself and often raise my voice, but I 99.99% of the time don't say anything insulting. On the other hand, my gf would swear at me, insult me and say some of the nastiest things I've ever heard in my life (such as insults against my parents, calling me a loser, telling me to go die, etc).

In the beginning of the relationship, these fights would be about how I dealt with an ex-girlfriend, how i'm cheap (even though I spent at or beyond my means on our relationship), and about her looks (ie. if i don't compliment her in the way she wants, she loses it). She would also get stressed out and lose her temper applying for jobs or universities, even though I do my best to help her, including writing her application essays or cover letters - but if there are any mistakes she would get angry (even though I do most of this under the duress of constant fighting).

Trends I noticed include fighting late in the evening - ie. 11pm - 12am, and often (75% of time) fighting before I go out with friends. She also can't take any jokes about her, especially her looks (even though she is very attractive). She is extremely disorganized and messy. She doesn't like to hear criticism or want to change. She gets frustrated and stressed easily (or so I believe). If I try to be nice in a fight, she would take advantage and continue to say mean things; if I argue she gets angrier. If she hangs-up on me or says she doesn't want to talk anymore, and I call her back she gets angry and says I don't leave her alone. BUT if I don't call her back, she gets angry and demands to know why I didn't call her back.

I have noticed that there are about 2 days a month when she's fine. The rest of the time, she is fine for a few hours and then picks fight, and then almost always a fight late in the evening. She is living in a remote area so she doesn't socialize much and may be lonely.

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Her behaviour has really started to affect my work and life. I often sleep less than 6 hours because of the fighting, including not being able to fall asleep because of stress of the fight; and after fighting often until 1am, I need time to cool-off before sleeping. I admit I do react emotionally when the fight starts, but i never say anything hurtful. I keep asking her to stop saying insults to me, adding that it affects my ability to work. I also say I don't need praise and don't mind criticism, but I really don't like the nasty stuff.

She gets really angry if I tell her that her constant fighting and nastiness is affecting my life and she says I'm blaming her for problems in my life. I tell her I'm not blaming her, but that I'm only pointing out that i cant deal with her constant nasty fighting. However, she says she expects me to handle my work and life while she continues to say whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I am trying, but it is not possible for me to just let go of everything she says and I have no time to heal before the next fight. It has really hurt my career in the short-term and my social life.

I assure you I am not exaggerating with the above description. In fact I am leaving out a lot of other stuff to keep it brief.

My question for all is whether there is something psychologically wrong with her? AND whether there is something psychologically wrong with me in not being able to deal with her and do well in my life?

I am a patient person and I care a lot about her because she is also great in my many way....but at this point, with my life having some problems and I'm not getting any support or relief from the nastiness, I'm at wits end....FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED GREATLY! THANK YOU!

Well I'm no expert, but yeah, I'd have to agree that this relationship isn't working. She isn't being fair, and I am sorry you're getting the sour end of it all. But what really struck me reading your post was, "wow, this woman sounds like she's in a lot of pain".

You don't deserve to be tortured, screamed at, insulted 300/365 days. No one does. But I'd be genuinely surprised to learn that your girlfriend does not have a great amount of pain somewhere inside of her; it sounds like she needs help, and needs it quick...I in no way mean to belittle your feelings with this next statement, but - well, she might be in more pain and feel more frustrated than you. If I'm wrong, however, this relationship sounds toxic and it might be a great idea to get some counseling to discover the root of this mess.

At the moment I'm battling with my own disorder. I have been extraordinarily unfair to my spouse...I pick fights and don't know why, I'm constantly frustrated with him, find myself suddenly resenting him for no good reason. I'm super sensitive to his criticism and like your girlfriend, I'm easily insulted or angered by silly things. It isn't logical and it isn't fair to him. He isn't the problem, *I* am the problem; even so, we as a family need to address these issues together. I need his support and his patience. I do not expect him to "take it" or to justify my ill behaviors, but I have to keep myself in check and take help when it is offered.

This is the kind of person you need to kick to the curb.

You've been verbally abused for a long, long time. I'm glad you're questioning it now, and you're in a much more dangerous predicament than you think. My ex was like that (we dated for 1yr and 8 months) and maybe, just maybe what's been keeping you from realizing this until now is that men are socialized to think that the only gender capable of abuse is men. That dawned on me around the last 4 months of my relationship. It also sounds like she's attacking your masculinity as well, which is common.

So although I agree with the above statement, her pain is irrelevant. You may be different but after awhile I'd get so angry I'd have a thought of slapping my ex, only for a second and I'm not proud of it. I left the next day. I at that moment that I could blow after nearly a year and half of endless torment from her. I had to get out, if I did she' call the cops and that's on your record not to mention the humiliation of "being less than" since men aren't supposed to abuse women. Women don't have such socialization, in fact its the opposite. They're socialized to be passive and the like, so when they're the abuser they don't even realize that its abuse and nobody will take you seriously since you're the guy. In fact, they'll humiliate you for you.

She doesn't deserve anybody empathy especially yours. Think about your own preservation, every social norm and institution will unequivocally back her up. She may get the idea one day of calling the cops and say you hit her. Most states don't require any symptoms of proof, just her word. Female abusers use that tactic often to keep the man as a prisoner. One guy I knew, vaguely, was literally a house slave of his gf: not allowed to keep a job, go outside (he sneaked outside to see family), and had a list of house chores. He got arrested at least 8 times a year for assault, which would happen if she wasn't pleased. Legally, if she charges at you one day and you push her off of you that's also legal grounds for domestic abuse.

Leave, NOW and don't turn back.