I just want it to end

Hi everyone,

I'm a guy new to the forums. I dunno if I feel like writing the novel that is my life, so I'll try to keep it short. I'm a guy in my 30s, and my parents divorced when I was young. My mother was the sweetest mom in the world.

She passed away due to complications of diabetes a few years ago and for economic reasons I was forced to move in with my verbally abusive father and his equally abusive wife. I'm a nice person and generally get along with most everyone, but this woman truly hates me, won't give me a chance, makes verbal jabs at me whenever she gets. Both of them control me to a tyrannical degree, I'm only allowed to eat when they cook and on assigned silverware for instance.

I have given them a lot of money to help them out, but it is unappreciated. I am regularly chastised for my weight, called lazy, regularly blamed for my parents divorce, called stupid, etc.

And, yes obviously I can leave, but I have nowhere else to go, it beats being homeless or dead, but I'm wondering how much. Everytime I have gotten money to leave, my father "borrows" money, which he never pays back. I just feel like a slave and there's no way out at all.

I'm more like a boarder to them, than his son. I pay him rent and utilities. I miss my mom so much. I used to be close to my mom's side of the family but they abandoned me when my mom become ill, and so I feel like when she died, not only did I lose my mom, but my entire familial support structure as well.

My dad is a charmer and puts on a different persona in front of others, as a charitable human being, but he's different when we're alone. I never know when he will go off or when the other shoe will drop. So they leave me to him, thinking he can "help" me.

And, I feel stuck in an abusive situation to which there is no escape, like a Twilight Zone episode that I can't wake up from or some nightmare that never goes to sleep.

Well it wasn't always so bad, I got a job when I moved in with him, but unfortunately lost it due to the economy, and now i'm forced to endure living with him all day long.

Most recently, my stepmother has become abusing me through religious ritual and attempted an "exorcism" to rid me of the "demon of gluttony" because I am overweight. In actual fact, I starve myself so I can be acceptable to them. (She is a born again catholic). And, so after that latest abuse, which involved the neighbor trashing my room and giving me a rosary, and my stepmother slapping me forcing me to look at a picture of Jesus, I have basically now not only lost my family, that knew me and that I loved, but also my faith in God or at least religion.

How can God do this?

And, so that's sent me into a people phobia, dunno what the word would be, and I've been hiding from my dear friends I'd made from my work, and now I feel like I'm trapped in an untenable hell in which there is no escape.

I feel like I've failed at life, and that i never really got the chance. I'm so angry.

So anyway, that's the short, short version of my life story. I know it sounds pathetic. I just feel like I have no one left. And will die forgotten.

And, so basically I'm suffering like post-traumatic syndrome at this point, my memory is sketchy, my vision blurry, I'm just in a numb daze, and I hope I haven't ruined the one friendship I had that was away from this. I have friends, but this was a close friend. How do you tell a friend you haven't talked to them because you've basically broken down?

So that's my story. It's not so bad, but that's how I'm feeling.

Hello, Hinterland! What you're going through is important and it does matter. The way your father and step mother are treating you is awful and abusive. You need to get out of there. How did your father manage to take your money? You have to find a way to hide it or put it in a bank or something. Keep looking for another job. It's ok if you don't find something right away, it will give you hope and keep you busy.
Try telling your friend about everything that is happening, tell them what you wrote here. They have to understand. Let them know that they mean a lot to you. Maybe you could move in with a friend?

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO END IT! I def. agree with Jasmine, spending time beating the pavement or online at a local library looking for jobs could be your first step to get yourself out of their grasp. Look for ads for roomates. Cost of living on your own would be dramatically cut down. Join a church or a local singles group or a gym maybe. The point is... get yourself out of there and do not continue a relationship with your father unless he changes the way he treats you. Create new ties with people who will improve your quality of life.