In love with a tyrant...

I'm so sick of not being able to say anything because who knows what will make him upset...

I'm so sick of having him yell and rage and raise his voice, and then a few minutes later say no he wasn't yelling it was me that was yelling...
"I wasn't yelling...I raised my voice, but I wasn't yelling..." What's the difference?

The Sunday after Christmas I needed to return the gift he gave me. I got two copies of a dvd one from him, one from my brother, so I needed to return one. We were all going to Wal-mart anyways, him, his daughter and me, because he wanted to use a gift card he got for Christmas. So I grab the movie and with the gift receipt attached, and off we go. When we get there, I’m looking at the gift receipt and it’s the wrong one. So I say, “This gift receipt says book. It’s not the right one, what should I do.” He says what do you mean what should you do, you give them the f-ing movie, tell them you want to return it, and they’ll give you money. You don’t need a receipt. I say “Yeah, but, without a receipt they will only give you the lowest sale price. Like, for example, if you buy something for $15, but it goes on sale after that for $10, they only give you $10 because they don’t know how much you paid for it. Without a receipt you cant prove that you paid more than that for it”. So he goes off, in the store, on and on about how they’re going to give me more than $10 for the movie, (I never said I’d only get $10 for the movie! I said FOR EXAMPLE!!!), and starts yelling at me-in the store- about how it’s so rude for me to return the gift I gave him, anyways, and on and on just yelling at me. In front of the store, in front of his 9 year old daughter. I feel embarrassed, I feel teeny tiny…I feel horrible. What was I supposed to do, keep both movies, even though they are identical copies?
The next day he yells at me because I asked him if I was going to see him after work. Of course I’ll see him why would I even ask something like that, can’t I see that it’s me saying stuff like that all the time that triggers him and pisses him off and that’s why he’s so upset all the time? Me wondering the whole time, why asking if I was going to see him is such a trigger for his anger. Normally he is there with his daughter, and I get there, then he goes to work. This time his daughter was at a friends and her friends mom was going to drop her off later, after he’s already at work. So it’s different. So I just wanted to know if I would see him or not! Apparently that was wrong of me.
Today I get home and he starts telling me about his difficulties with finding marijuana. He knows I don't like to hear about it, he knows I don't like to talk about it. I remind him by saying that I don't really want to hear about it. He goes on talking about it, so of course, I just shut up and kinda tune it out. Since he gets no response from me, he keeps going on and on, explaining the situation. Etc...on and on like that, me occasionally saying that I'd rather not hear about it. So I just sit on the couch, not saying anything, holding my head cuz he's giving me a headache...then it's what's wrong, why are you way over there, why are you holding your head? I say nothings wrong, I just have a headache, and I scoot closer to him. Then he pulls out his wallet and says here, I returned the xmas gift you gave me cuz it didn't fit. Here's the money back. I said no, it was a gift. If it didn't fit, save the money and put it towards something else!

So then he starts yelling. Or I'm sorry "Raising his voice, but not yelling". About I don't even know what any more because whenever he starts I just want it to stop so I tune it out. I don't even know what he said, but I remember saying while he was yelling "you're raising your voice, why are you raising your voice? I didn't do anything! Why are you yelling at me?" But of course, he just raises his voice over me and doesn't even listen. So then he says "I don't know why I even wanted you to get home, I don't know why I shaved my face and tried to look good for this. I'm just going to leave now, go to work early." And he storms off, stomping up and down the stairs. All the while I'm wondering how we ended up in this place again, with me crying, not knowing what I did wrong. He was cranky since I walked in the door. Probably because he didn't have any of his weed, although he denys up and down that it has any kind of effect on him.

What am I supposed to do? Call me crazy (he always does anyways, I'm used to it), but I do love him. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to break up. I just want things to be better! Please help.

Hi, sickofbeingafraid! If there is no other way that you could get him to see the way he's treating you is wrong, maybe taking a break from him is all you can do. Maybe it'll wake him up. He is emotionally abusive and you don't have to put up with it. Honestly, I doubt he'll change on his own.