Confused?

Hi I am a newbie to this site. I keep searching the postings but I don't see anything quite like my situation. I have been married for 24 years to someone I thought would love, cherish and take care of me. Looking back our relationship was typical for emotional/verbal abuse. We met and married within a year. He was and still is fiercely jealous. We fought all the time, and every night on the way home from work I would pray that we wouldn't fight that night. Anyways, we went on to have 4 beautiful daughters one of which has Down Syndrome.
Recently, after speaking to a friend I began to question whether I was being verbally and emotionally abused. I finally went to our local YWCA for counseling which confirmed my suspicions. My husband would call me a bi*** at least once a week. We would walk on egg shells trying to make sure he was happy. When he would blow up we would all keep our heads down and try to just get away from the anger. When I started my initial counseling, he began asking questions as to why I was going. I finally told him why and gave him the ultimatum to change or I would leave. Well, he of course broke down saying how he couldn't /wouldn't live without me and would kill himself if anything ever happened to us.( He has threatened this at least a couple of times before). He promised to change and "do anything" to make it work. He also said he would go to counseling if I would set it all up.
Well, it's been about 4 months now and the counseling for "us" never came. He is struggling with OCD (also something new) and will be going to see a therapist for that. When I try to explain why I am upset about something he has done or said, he tells me how hard he has been trying and that he is "not a bad person". He has been better with me but now has more outbursts with our girls. He still brings up past incidents where he truly believes I had an affair on him-which I never did. Every day he says "I love you more, I don't think you really love me" and "Are you sure you aren't having an affair on me?". I am home every night, I have no friends, and he calls me every day at noon supposedly to say hello.
My problem is, I don't know if I should stay or go? He got really angry last night about money and had to lecture me and the girls for about 1/2 an hour until I finally said "ok, you're right. I'm sorry- I shouldn't have brought it up" to which he replies "I'm not a bad person and it's not fair that you make me sound so bad". One of my girls thinks we should "take a break" from each other. The other doesn't want anything to do with her dad. He has gotten so angry with them at times that he gets that "mean face" which scares them to death. They are afraid of him. He has never hit any of us, but has hit the wall, slammed doors (last night- so loud it woke up the girls) and in the past broken our closet door from hitting it so hard. I am so confused because I think I still love him, but at times I hate him. I married so young that I know no other way and I am scared to death to leave. Will he change? Do I do all the leg work to make this marriage work? I don't want my girls to marry a man who isn't going to love and cherish them for who they are. Do I leave for them? Any suggestions would be really helpful....I am so confused!

Hi, quisla! Yes, he's abusive and if he's not doing anything to change, you don't have to do all the work. You couldn't "fix" him or your relationship on your own any way. I think you should have a talk with your daughters and again ask them what they want and do what is best for them. Is there somewhere you could stay if you left him or at least took a break from him?
You could take a break and work on yourself and finding your own strength. You could decide if you want to leave him for good afterwards. I have to tell you that he sounds really manipulative and it's probably bad for your girls to be around him.

Thanks Jasmin. He is very good at manipulating us to do what he wants. I have family that would definitely support me but it's so hard to leave! There is the fear of what he will do when I go. I am sure at first it will be hurt then anger that I finally did it. Plus, I have never really been alone and that scares me too. Then there's the feeling of failure. I failed my marriage. But I also failed my girls because I am still there. I am so used to just "tucking away" the feelings that I actually feel numb at times which has led to denial. I seem to "forget" the bad and only think of the good which then I feel guilty for wanting to leave. It's wierd how that happens because there really hasn't been a lot of good over all of these years. I wish I was stronger now so I could just go. I am thankful for your input-it helps me see that I really am not crazy.

Leave him and tell him you will go to the police if he does anything to hurt you. He'll try to make you feel bad for leaving him and he'll try to make you feel like you can't live without him, but of course you can. Many, many people leave their abusive partners, especially when they have the support of their families. Think about your daughters and put their happiness first, not fear.