Possible emotional abuse

Okay...this is really, really long, but I've just came to this realization and need to figure out what to do about it, if anything needs to be done. Any feedback would be great. Thank you!!!

So, I think I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've done some research on it, and a lot of the signals add up, but I'm just looking for some other opinions.

Some background, because I feel it's important: We are 21(me)/22(him). We met 4 years ago at a summer program. He had a girlfriend of three years then as well, and he cheated on her with me. He told me we'd stay in touch, and I tried, but he completely ignored me. Then told me they were getting engaged, and he couldn't talk to me anymore. THEN, we went to the same college and started dating. He made up excuses as to why he said they were getting engaged (he wanted to justify not talking to me).

We've been together for a little over three years now, and the first bit of the relationship was good - but we lived with three other people and always had people over, no alone time really, so I guess there wasn't any room to really be abusive in private (if he was going to be). We were extremely happy. It was pretty much the same the next year too. But this year is when it all started.

If he asks me to do something and I won't, he calls me a b****. Most recently he was working on a project at school (which we live right across from), and I was working on school work at home that was due later in the day. I asked him to meet me halfway and he said I was the most selfish b**** he'd ever met and he couldn't believe me, that I was a horrible girlfriend. I brought it all the way to his class and he didn't even look at me and then went back inside. Now, I could understand this if I had known he had something due that day, but he had already told me it was finished. I mentioned this to him in my apology and he said he never even said that.

I've asked him not to call me "the b word" so many times I can't count, and explained how it made me feel. He said I shouldn't be with him if I thought that way because he couldn't stop. He still does it and tells me I'm stupid for caring about it.

He also tells me that he's going to break up with me if I don't keep things more organized (which, he knows I am horrible at even though I make efforts to). He tells me "good luck finding someone who'll put up with you" and "anyone else would break up with you so quick", etcetera. Recently, I expressed some concern about our future - he's going to grad school in a different state and I'm staying in the same place - and he told me "whatever, you're just a girl who lives in the same apartment as me and messes things up. You just ruin everything", and when I asked him why he was saying that, he said "I'm not, but that's what you said just now". Which made no sense whatsoever, because I absolutely said nothing of the sort.

He also used to get terribly mad, throwing and breaking things (which he still does, and when they break he blames it on me), and he also won't let me be by myself when we're in a fight, he bursts into the room and won't let me leave (blocking the doorway, pinning me down, holding onto my arm). He stopped pinning/holding me about 9 months ago, but still does everything else. When we argue, he threatens to leave and tells me if I don't change my attitude he's not coming home and I won't know where he is. And, if I say something he doesn't like, he'll ignore me completely and when I ask why he says, "you're acting weird".

He gets ticked off if I don't answer a text message or phone call WHILE I'M IN CLASS!! And says I shouldn't have a phone if I'm not going to use it.

He's also tried to change my mind about working instead of going to grad school with him, saying he KNOWS I want to go, but I'm just doing what I always do - trying for security.

These things come up very regularly, I'd say every few days. It makes me wonder, because recently I had a major meltdown about feeling like I've wasted the last 3 years of my life, which is apparently a sign of being emotionally abused?

When I told him I felt that way, he told me to move out if it would make me feel better. BUT, then shortly after I asked him for help and he said "look, this would be you living all alone. Doing things by yourself. Do you really want that? What would you do without me?" He calls me helpless and that I'm stupid for being indecisive.

But, he strangely counters this with being lovey and supportive in situations. It's a weird dynamic and I'm not sure what to think. There are some other situations as well, but I think this is the meat of it.

Thank you again!!!

Hi, hazelnut! He definitely is abusive and it could get much worse. He's trying to control you, keep you from becoming independent and he wants you to think you can't do anything without his help, he's verbally and emotionally abusive and pinning your down or grabbing you is physical abuse too. You shouldn't be with this guy, he's going to kill all the life you have inside of you eventually. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's what abusers do.
Being supportive sometimes can be part of him controling you and making you think that you need him and that he's good for you, but he's not.

Emotional abuse is all about manipulation. Abusers will play you hot and cold in most aspects of life, without any seeming pattern. The end effect is to enslave you in such a way as to be unable to feel anything or do anything without their approval.

I agree with the other posters - get out while you still have a semblance of self left. He will not change, no matter what you do, or how much you want him to.

A textbook case of emotional abuse. Make a plan to get out, carefully, in detail, and preferably with a counselor's advice. Fortunately, you have an excuse if you get caught putting things in boxes: "I'm trying to get more organized, like you said, honey." (Use with caution.) Get a cop to help you if you need to. Get a PFA (protection from abuse) or another kind of restraining order if you feel that one is necessary. Take pictures of any bruises. If you get into a fight, do NOT clean up before going to the police. Doing so may remove evidence.

Please get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

As far as "wasting" 3 years: OK, true, you will never be able to re-live the last 3 years of your life. However, you are 21. I lost several years to abuse, and several years following it to recovery. I'm now 27, and I can tell you that once you start living, you appreciate it all the more. You won't even realize how good life could be until after you've taken this millstone off of your neck.

Be prepared in case you see things in future relationships that seem like your current boyfriend. They may be real red flags, or you might be seeing something that's not there. I spent some time making my fiance pay for someone else's wrongdoing.

You CAN be independent.
You CAN do it by yourself.
You deserve to feel good about yourself.
You deserve to be treated well.

Good luck and be safe.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote: Get a PFA (protection from abuse) or another kind of restraining order if you feel that one is necessary.

These are pretty much useless.

Myers wrote:

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote: Get a PFA (protection from abuse) or another kind of restraining order if you feel that one is necessary.

These are pretty much useless.

Our experiences differ, then, as do our definitions of "useful."

Having read your other posts, I believe you've stumbled into the wrong forum.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:
Having read your other posts, I believe you've stumbled into the wrong forum.

Why? My girlfriend was viciously abused by her previous lover. She knows the ins and outs of the legal system when it comes to restraining orders. And she claims they're pretty much useless. If the sadistic significant other is intent on the "relationship", it's not likely a piece of paper is going to stop them.

Myers wrote:My girlfriend was viciously abused by her previous lover. She knows the ins and outs of the legal system when it comes to restraining orders. And she claims they're pretty much useless. If the sadistic significant other is intent on the "relationship", it's not likely a piece of paper is going to stop them.

This response is worded better that your previous one; it sounds less like a troll.

It's true that violent abusers with multiple previous offenses are less likely to comply with a PFA than the average asshole joe. However, not taking a steps towards deterring them is just stupid. You're forgetting that PFAs are more than "pieces of paper"--they're tickets into a system which may include bro-bono or reduced-cost legal counsel, 24-hour court access, financial support and domestic abuse counseling. They also provide templates for court orders and provide an extra reason for the police to apprehend the offender. You're not looking at them as part of the services that are already in place. If you want to stand by your point, you might also say that an abuser won't stop no matter what a victim does. Is that really your position?

Let's be honest--anyone can assassinate the President. Before the Secret Service was placed to guard that office, there was a much higher rate of success (3 of 16 before, 1 of 28 after). Even in an extreme case, your argument that protective forces are "useless" simply fails.

What's important is how the PFA is worded, what is done to enforce it, and what other services the victim has easier access to as a result of having one drafted. It's also the responsibility of the victim to be active in their safety and search for resources. Nothing is sure-fire, but you want the odds in your favor.


Now, you may want to provide details of why your girlfriend's PFA was "useless." Doing so may help shed some light on how others can make better use of a PFA--whether it involves enforcing it differently or taking additional action. What you're doing right now borders on fearmongering; you're stating the obvious without offering an alternative.

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:Now, you may want to provide details of why your girlfriend's PFA was "useless."

Because he tracked her down and beat her to a pulp. He considered the PFA to be an insult and "disobedience" on her part.

Myers wrote:

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:Now, you may want to provide details of why your girlfriend's PFA was "useless."

Because he tracked her down and beat her to a pulp. He considered the PFA to be an insult and "disobedience" on her part.

That happens occasionally. Why did you stop there? Why did you make no mention of legal repercussion or safety precautions? Where were her stun gun and her escort?

I see that, in addition to fearmongering, you also like to argue--but you don't like to lose or quit. You're arguing a point that has already been covered: a PFA in and of itself may not stop the attacker, but it facilitates further legal action.

It seems that all you're trying to do is scare her. Your posts sound like this: "If you get a PFA, he's going to track you down and hurt you even more." This is counterproductive. So far, I have entertained this topic for the benefit of the OP. Legitimate issues and dangers needed to be addressed. However, since you have nothing new to add, I will make it easy on you and stop my replies. If you wish to continue the conversation, you can PM me.