Please help Am I being Emotionally abused by my bf

Hi,

Over a period of 12 months my bf has said some things to me that i don't like and they are affecting my self esteem. They occur only once, because i tell him thats NOT acceptable, but then he just says a new neg comment. He always acts as if these comments are just a joke and he tells me not to be so sensitive, your not meant to take them to heart.

1. calls me chunky bum (I'm size eight weigh 55kg, the smallest size a female adult is)
2. when i am naked infront of him he pretends to vomit in his mouth
3. he sings to me the acdc song when i am naked (he looks at my thighs) and sings Thunder...awa..awa..awa..and insinuates that i am causing an earthquake because of my thighs
4. he calls me nerd girl when i wear glasses
5. he called me dumbo flaps insinuating that i have large vaginal flaps
6. he told me my vagina looks like dogs breakfast
7. he told me i need a breast implant
8. he told me he would rather be with a fat chick them a mental one like me
9. he says "who would want to marry you"
10. he says "who would have kids with you"
11. he calls me mental when i break down crying
12. he told me he will lock me in the garage and give me a bucket to pee and poo in

Is he abusing me? Would you get affended if ur partner said these things to you? When he says these his voice sounds serious. When i say this a unacceptible he says he is just joking. Learn to take a joke, your too serious.

Sorry to hear this Dolphin but yeh he definatley is abusive and sounds a total jerk, but I think his method in his madness is to knock your confidence to keep you down if you know what I mean. Can I ask how old you are? and how long have you been together? I would say give him a taste of his own medicine lol but thats not the right advice I know. It depends if you are happy tolerating that but its definately not normal. Everyone has different senses of humour and unfortunately some epoples can be quite sadistic but even if it is a joke if it upsets you he should stop and respect your wishes.

Hi,

I turn 30 next Feb and he is 31. We have been living together for 14 months, never a day apart. We just purchased a block of land and our house is due for construction in 4 weeks. Most of these comments of his have only been said once, thats why it has been so hard to monitor. Each time i told him it's inappropriate he would stop it but start a new neg comment 3-4 weeks later.

Larissa's right about the confidence issue. Perhaps he's insecure and needs to sometimes put someone else down to feel better, but it shouldn't be you. Keep drawing and defending those boundaries -- that will let him know he's crossed the line. It might be helpful to refine the boundaries to differentiate between a) poor taste and b) being just plain mean.

Poor taste (joke stated badly or taken badly): #1-6, #12; each of these deserves a pithy come-back (prepare in advance to ensure you're ready when he delivers)
Mean / insensitive: #7-11; each of these deserves an explanation of how and why you feel your self-esteem is crushed

In my opinion, if these are as infrequent as you say, it's not abuse. He is apparently respecting your boundaries for at least a while. Keep in mind guys tease their mates, sometimes unmercifully, and may not have figured out men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We just need a whack on the bum with a rolled up newspaper when we behave badly.

Oh my goodness reading that almost brought tears to my eyes, you do not deserve to have any of that said to you, it is appalling and most definitely abusive. In my opinion anything that is insulting or upsetting to you can be classed as verbal abuse. If someone said to me that something I had said had upset or hurt them there's no way I would tell them to lighten up/laugh it off etc. No one has the right to hurt or upset another person. If you love and care about someone surely you would find it impossible to say anything negative to them about how they look etc? I have been in this situation for a couple of years now and I totally understand how hard it is to deal with. He is making you feel like you're the one in the wrong for not taking it as a joke and laughing it off.
The problem is that if you love someone you tend to let things go and forgive them, which I have been doing for years now lol. If it was me, when he says you're not meant to take them to heart, I would say to him 'why are you saying these things then, I never say things like that to you'. I know how hard it is to retaliate, I am a very laid back person and hate any kind of confrontation so would rather just let things go (and am constantly letting stuff go that most women would walk out over) but there comes a time when enough is enough and you actually step back and look in and realise that this guy (whoever he is) has no right to insult your body like that and say things that upset you. I don't know how close you are or if you guys are totally in love etc so I can't really comment and I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh but in my opinion anyone who adores their girlfriend wouldn't and couldn't say things like that - think of someone you really adore and imagine yourself saying hurtful things about their body or the way they look. I couldn't do it.
I hope this helps you sweetheart, I totally empathise with how you feel. If he carries on like this he doesn't deserve you, why should you have to bear the brunt of his lack of confidence and childish, insulting nature; there are so many nice guys out there who wouldn't call you nerdy or insult your private parts, it's disgraceful.
Take care sweetie =) xx

If I'm reading correctly, you keep asking him to stop saying bad things about you and he thinks it's funny to find new ways that you haven't said no to yet. He should never keep looking for ways to upset you. It's been going on a year and is not getting better, if my assumption is right, it's actually getting worse. He may be doing it more frequently or the comments may be getting more hurtful.

At some point these comments start to sink into your mind and you will start to question yourself and then maybe start trying to change because you are starting to believe him. If you haven't gotten to that point, then don't let yourself get there. If you have gotten to that point, get help. These things he is saying are not true, they are not right and they are only his way of making you feel like you are less than him and that you should be lucky he stays with you. It's a slow death to die. He's killing your personality, your self esteem. Those are not easy things to get or keep and you don't need help throwing them away.

I lived in this kind of relationship. Things progressively got worse. I didn't even realize what was happening and I didn't have anywhere to turn for help that I knew of. Things just got worse and worse and I won't go into detail on my struggle but I will tell you things don't ever get better. I'm sure he already realizes he's getting to you, it would be impossible to hide when he does. The more he gets to you the more he will feed off of it and the behavior will progress. It may progress super slow, but it will get worse. How long are you really going to stick around and let it go on? Do you really feel like you want to keep living like this? Is this how you always imagined the rest of your life would be?

Even if you are too serious, isn't he supposed to like your qualities including that one? Why would he want to change you if he cared about you? Be yourself, people can and will like you just how you are. You are the PERFECT you, and no one else will ever be better at it. If he doesn't accept, respect, and appreciate that now, he never will.

He probably was joking.

Well, anyway break up with him, and cut off all contacts with him.