Need OUT so badly :(

I admit that I am extremely depressed to the point that it's affected my outlook on life. I feel alone, like I'm not good enough, unworthy, powerless for love and success. This is SO DRASTICALLY *different* than who I was last January and before.

This is gonna be a long post! If you get through it..THANK YOU! I need help.

I just want to tell my story...kinda from the beginning of when my problems started.

My career had been going very well. I had gotten a professional certification, client referrals, had a good name in my field... Then the recession hit. I steadily lost clients from December to March, and have had a string of flaky inquirers since then. I have ONE client. This is my total income right now. I've been applying for jobs left and right to no avail. - Even in other fields than what I'm trained it. I'm applying for retail jobs like at Macy's, places that aren't my profession but a source of income. I have not even gotten one there so far.

I also had a miscarriage in November that I only just felt fully healed from maybe in April. That was horrible. It wreaked havoc on my body and mind. My boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion, but I felt like we should embrace the change in our life with open arms. Honestly the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise for the little one and me. Because....

Now here is the clincher. My life got turned upside down I think because of this person, my boyfriend, I've been in a relationship with since last February. It was a whirlwind of a relationship. We connected instantly, and got serious...uh, too quickly. How do I put this... I had been single and just dating for a couple years, living well as an independent woman. I'm not sure what exactly happened with this guy but I was suddenly in a serious relationship. He turned abusive about 4 months into the relationship. There were early warning signs like he would hug me, and squeeze real hard like in a weird odd way and like hold me there. Then he would laugh when I'd say stop that or that it hurt. He'd just giggle it off like it was no big deal and call me a wimp. He also started criticizing me about everything. I couldn't even stand in the kitchen and make a sandwich without him freaking out over something I did. Serious pettiness is how it seemed at first. Then I caught on that he had some sort of incessant need to control. These odd behaviors are some sort of orientation to a person that I have NEVER experienced in my life. Normally one doesn't have to second guess much that they do or walk on eggshells around anyone, but soon I realized that is exactly how I felt around him. I didn't realize at the time that this was an abusers way of slowly without you even realizing it, they're getting control of you. Over the next few months I broke up with him twice because of his ways, and each time he acted like he saw the folly of his ways and he would stop and beg for me back. I was naive to actually go back. His mental tricks I guess had already gotten hold of me. I can't stress enough how important it is for a woman to not entertain this type of stuff with a guy. - Because he will get worse. All in all there have only been 2 incidents of physical rage where he grabbed my neck and shook it once, and then another time he hurled me at the bathroom door, I hit it and bounced onto the ground hitting my head. The other time was spent with him either acting like his head was in the clouds romantic (like to the point of seeming unrealistic) to what grew more and more prominent.... criticism on my little ways of being that the next joe on the street could see perfectly fine&innocent-maybe even cute, name calling, socially isolating me, criticizing my friends and family, disrespecting me, lying to me. - Oh and the yelling, yelling loudly in my face at the drop of a hat. His anger will come out of no where. It's beyond bizarre for a person to not be able to control their own anger.

Well, in October I was going to leave him. He had wanted me to move in with him once my lease ended on October, but that was the week he grabbed my neck and shook it. He also kicked my dog off the couch. This is all beyond unacceptable obviously at this point. I signed a new lease with no intention of talking to him again much less moving in with him!

You might wonder WHY am I still "with" this guy! My biggest life lesson.. listen to your gut (or GOD, if you will) and do something about a situation when you still can. The pregnancy happened apparently before I made the decision to leave him, but didn't know I was pregnant. When I found out, I had already singed the new lease. I was mentally torn and shocked beyond belief that I was pregnant. I could barely even cope with anything aside from working and exploring my feelings on being pregnant. So, I'm sure you can imagine how down I was and how susceptible to "staying" I was. It was such a confusing and freaky time. Sigh.

No sooner than I had the miscarriage in November, I started losing clients in December as I was trying to get my act together and cut him out of my life. Honestly, I did not think the recession would affect my work. Geez was I wrong. Not only was I suffering physically and emotionally about the miscarriage, I started seeing a domestic abuse counselor. She confirmed that his behavior was something that is without a doubt abuse, nothing I'm contributing to other than just being present with him, and it would get worse. Meanwhile I lost 2 more clients. I had no one I could lean on for *financial* support. He paid what I was short on rent in April, May, June and July.

These last few months, as I said before, I have been pining away at getting more work. I just think it's so ironic that as a 31 year old woman who has always been financially independent, I am in this situation where someone is able to control me over money. This is the very reason I always wanted to be financially independent and secure.

Well, as you might imagine, now that I am so "dependent" on him, he has started a new way of abusing me.. And that's by saying things directly about my unworthiness. This last weekend he condescendingly yelled these things all just because I suggested we go listen to live music at the jazz festival:

"You think I was going to marry you? No one will ever marry you." (that was totally random)
"You have no one. I have people but I push them away, but you have NO ONE." (this is really ironic considering the fact that I DO have people, and he is the one who tried to set that stage by attempting to isolate me from everyone. HE WANTS to abuse a woman. Period.)
He called me an "A$$ho&e" twice when in the past he apologized profusely and 'understood' that language was unacceptable to me
He flipped me off twice.

Abusers don't respect, they just look for ways they can get control of you. Their apologies in the past are like their ticket to doing it again because they see how they can get to you.

All of that over me expressing that hey I'd love it if we can do some stuff I'd like to do. I "lovingly" told him just in a lighthearted tone of voice that I like spending time with him but most (uh EVERYTHING) we end up doing is on his terms..and that he seems totally content as long as I'm going along with his plans. - It's so interesting to me because I've been in other relationships in my life. This type of conversation would never be something that would stir abuse, but as opportunity to understand each other and show we care. This man is extremely abusive. He just wants a submissive subservient woman whom he can control.

With all the crap life throws at you, it is SO IMPORTANT to have a foundation of loving friends and family. And if you have a significant other, it better be one who is really a GOOD PERSON, who really loves you, and would do no wrong to you.

Here I am, bitter and depressed. I don't believe that I am unworthy. I KNOW with my head that my inability to get a job right now is about the recession. Maybe I wasn't completely on my game after the miscarriage due to that depression and the depression of his abuse. He's been looking forward to the day he thinks he could talk to me like that and have me in his control.. I am just trying to keep it in perspective. Still, though. I am depressed. I need a job, I need to get my life back on track. I need to be happy. I need my friends. I need my family. I started to see that due to all my stress and "problems" I'm not close to my family and friends anymore. It's hard having conversations with them too because maybe I come across weird for all the crap I'm going through. I've never been the kind of person who tells them EVERYTHING anyway.

If I could just get $500-$600 more per month, I could straighten my life out in so many ways.

I am VERY DEPRESSED. I am socially isolated. I feel helpless. I've had strange thoughts and images of suicide, but in a disconnected way like I wouldn't ever DO THAT, but I just imagined it a couple times. None of this is good. I've always been a mentally strong person. I KNOW this depression is these bizarre *situations* I'm in right now.

I just need to talk about this with someone...get this out.

I also made an appointment with that same domestic abuse counselor I'd seen several months back.

I'm praying for mental strength, new clients/job, and a new HAPPY life.
I also started taking st. johns wart 5 days ago.
I really am trying...

Hi,

I have just replied to a different person who also had a whirlwind romance but is now looking to get out. Your case is slightly different though, and one thing is sclear to me: You have to reach out to someone you can trust and get their help. Your money situation isn't ideal for you to get out at present, but surely you can call a parent or sibling to help you out with this. No-one deserves to live in such horrible conditions where they are abused each day. This man is a terror and he knows no good. So - yeh - isn't there someone that can give you a helping hand short term so that you can get back on your feet? You seem to be intelligent, and I'm very confidant that once you get away from him that you'll prosper once more.

Kevin