Verbal Abuse?

Hi, this is my first post ever on a forum like this one.
We've been married for 5 years and together for almost 17 years. We get along great 85-90% of the time. Every couple bickers and argues every now and then -but, in the last 2 years or so I've noticed that our occasional arguments (maybe once or twice a month) are no longer just that......in these arguments hurtful words/phrases are being yelled at me -like b*tch, a**hole, I hope you're happy, etc. As an example: yesterday I left work an hour early (I lied -I know wrong -- and told my boss I had a dr. appointment -I really wanted to beat the traffic and get home early) I came home and took my dogs out then cleaned up a little around the house. My boss sent me a text message asking how my appointment went -I wrote her back a simple answer and said it went ok and put my phone back in my bag. I guess my boss wrote back again after that because after I had gone to bed my spouse heard my text message alert beeping and got my phone out of my bag (normally this wouldn't bother me at all -I have nothing hiding anywhere) and read the text nessages. That set off a fit -I was woken up at 10:30pm and screamed at -called a liar and I was accused of keeping secrets -I guess the secret was I didn't say that I had left work early..?..we haven't spoken since -I can't back down just yet. Every time name calling works it way into our arguments I feel like little pieces of me are being chipped away -I'm worried that one day I'll just snap and say something I'll regret. I have never or could ever bring myself to scream any of those words AT my spouse -because I would feel horrible as I was speaking the words. When the name calling happens I usually just walk away and spend the rest of the day or sometimes all of the next day doing my own thing and not speaking to my spouse. I always feel hurt after these arguments and just once I would like to hear "I'm sorry -I didn't mean what I said" instead I hear nothing -just silence usually until I say something like "I'm making a hamburger and salad -do you want a plate?" Something like that will return us to getting along ok again. I haven't accused my spouse of verbal abuse yet -I want to wait for the right time and make sure I'm naking the correct call. Does anyone have any suggestions ----or anything -is this verbal abuse???

PS -there has NEVER been any physical abuse in our relationship -I do not feel my safety is threatened at all.

Hi,

Yes, this is verbal abuse, and it can be viewed as bullying, if you like, too. Your husband is behaving like a kid who has never been told what is right and wrong. I'm not blasming you now, but if you had stood sternly when the name-calling first began, then it might not have reached this stage. Picture it again: He's behaving like a kid. What do kids need? - They need to be taught rules and what is right/wrong. If they do something bad and aren't punished, then they do it again, more freqently. This is what has happened here.

What you must do is let him know that he is hurting you and degrading you, and that you will no longer put up with it. Don't just accept the abuse as it is - Stand up to him and the mere fact that you are showing that you aren't afraid of him will be a surprise to him.

Kevin

HowWhenWhy wrote:Hi, this is my first post ever on a forum like this one.
We've been married for 5 years and together for almost 17 years. We get along great 85-90% of the time. Every couple bickers and argues every now and then -but, in the last 2 years or so I've noticed that our occasional arguments (maybe once or twice a month) are no longer just that......in these arguments hurtful words/phrases are being yelled at me -like b*tch, a**hole, I hope you're happy, etc. As an example: yesterday I left work an hour early (I lied -I know wrong -- and told my boss I had a dr. appointment -I really wanted to beat the traffic and get home early) I came home and took my dogs out then cleaned up a little around the house. My boss sent me a text message asking how my appointment went -I wrote her back a simple answer and said it went ok and put my phone back in my bag. I guess my boss wrote back again after that because after I had gone to bed my spouse heard my text message alert beeping and got my phone out of my bag (normally this wouldn't bother me at all -I have nothing hiding anywhere) and read the text nessages. That set off a fit -I was woken up at 10:30pm and screamed at -called a liar and I was accused of keeping secrets -I guess the secret was I didn't say that I had left work early..?..we haven't spoken since -I can't back down just yet. Every time name calling works it way into our arguments I feel like little pieces of me are being chipped away -I'm worried that one day I'll just snap and say something I'll regret. I have never or could ever bring myself to scream any of those words AT my spouse -because I would feel horrible as I was speaking the words. When the name calling happens I usually just walk away and spend the rest of the day or sometimes all of the next day doing my own thing and not speaking to my spouse. I always feel hurt after these arguments and just once I would like to hear "I'm sorry -I didn't mean what I said" instead I hear nothing -just silence usually until I say something like "I'm making a hamburger and salad -do you want a plate?" Something like that will return us to getting along ok again. I haven't accused my spouse of verbal abuse yet -I want to wait for the right time and make sure I'm naking the correct call. Does anyone have any suggestions ----or anything -is this verbal abuse???

PS -there has NEVER been any physical abuse in our relationship -I do not feel my safety is threatened at all.

Oh my gosh, YES, this is verbal abuse. He sounds extremely controlling. I don't think you owed him ANY knowledge about your work schedule that day unless you offered up the information. He should not be snooping on you either. Don't let him make you think otherwise. Clearly, this man is getting you under his control and manipulating your liberty to be you.

The name calling is horrendous. To yell those vulgar words at you, and the lack of civil apology from him is denying accountability on his part. You are NOT invisible in this relationship. He should treat you with respect like any other person on this earth should. Especially your own husband.

I would like you to look at your response to his behavior. I know it is difficult and almost paralyzing to be verbally abused. Out of disbelief that it was happening I would freeze up and "let" my SO talk to me this way after a while. However, NO. That behavior is NOT acceptable for any reason. I read on a website that (of course from 6+ feet from him) fully extending your arm and hand out (like "stop") and firmly saying "I do not accept that" is VERY IMPORTANT! "You need to go calm down. Then we can talk." YOU take control of the situation immediately. Ignore additional rant, and repeat. Literally WALK AWAY if he does not respect this boundary. Leave the room, house if you have to.

I have seen in my own abusive relationship (which God willing will be ENDING soon) that later when I talk to him when he's calm, he may or may not feign remorse, and the longer you go on in an abusive relationship the more you will be blamed for his behavior. It is truly a cycle and pattern which won't change in many cases. Even drastic measures like breaking up and going back after apologies have been useless in my situation.

I really want to implore you to not have your reaction to him be to serve him hamburger and salad. That's disrespecting yourself. It is He who should put out the olive branch. And the day a woman starts putting out the olive branch on this type of behavior with no vindication for herself, is the day, that you lose all credibility with the abuser and it will get worse.

I know you have been with him 17 years, and from what you say, it hasn't always been this way. I know this is very difficult. He needs to get into an anger management course as soon as possible. Even though this is generally advised against with abusers, going to couples counseling might help be the guise to get him help. Perhaps the counselor can recommend to him that he get the individual anger management help. Would he listen to you if the advice came from you? Possibly not since his anger and verbal abuse is directed at you. One thing is for sure, You have to put a stop to this. You do not deserve that kind of disrespectful name calling, controlling behavior, and complete disregard especially from someone who is suppose to be your biggest supporter in life. It is as simple as that. And you have every right and more to simply let him know that.

Thank you for the reply's. As I had said -this last time I just walked away and did my own thing -that continued for almost 2 days --I was determined not to be the peace maker this time. So, late yesterday afternoon I got an email while I was at work that said "I would really like an explaination as to what is going on with you" "you didn't tell me you were leaving work and now you're mad and not talking to me!?" I wrote back and said "I'm not speaking to you because I don't care for the name calling -a**hole, liar and b*tch are a few that come to mind." I said "it hurts and that feeling doesn't go away -it builds up and only makes me feel worse and worse about us" I never got a response -but I think I may have triggered something because last night when we both got home from work -one of us was acting like a dog that just got caught chewing up the couch and it wasn't me. Honestly, I have to wonder if it even occured to him at all that the name calling hurt? Now, that he is aware that it's a big problem for me/us -I wonder if it will happen again? If it does I will hold my hand out and say "STOP" I like that idea and wish I had thought of that before. As for going in my bag ---it's not unusual at all for us to pick up each other's cell phones -so, when he heard my phone beeping he probably got it out to see if the text message was something important -my siblings and I do text a lot. I'm not defending him at all as far as the name calling goes -and I am going to talk to him about it at some point. I will let him think about things a while longer though........I'd also like to know where the sudden paranoia came from -to be continued................