At the end of my tether - don't know what to do!

Hi everyone,
I had to post because I'm totally worn out with my relationship situation and so stressed it's beyond belief and I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend is very verbally abusive towards me and it's really starting to get to me now.
We have been together for almost 2 years. The funny thing is that deep down he is a nice, sensible guy from a nice family and we have so much in common, we lie awake at night and laugh about things for hours, we play games together, we have the same values, we like the same things, but when he turns nasty he is unbearable and it is like he is two different people - a nice one that I absolutely adore, and a horrible one that makes me feel like a piece of dirt on the floor.
We live together and have done for a year, and soon we are moving into a new place together. My boyfriend is a very, very tidy person and likes minimal furniture/no stuff anywhere, but in our current tiny flat this is impossible. Before I moved in with him I was staying on a friend's sofa so I had a lot of stuff in bags and I had to move out of there quickly because I fell out with my friend, so when we moved into our flat I brought everything I owned in black bags and, to be honest, filled the flat up. My boyfriend's move was easier, he had been living at home so he only brought a few bits and left the rest with his parents.
About 3 months after we moved in I found out I was pregnant, so after that I didn't really feel like sorting through mounds of clothes and belongings, as I was very tired, and that in itself was very stressful because my boyfriend didn't want the baby and kept urging me to have a termination - 'get rid of it' was his answer. I kept delaying because I didn't want to go through with a termination and in the end it was too late anyway, something which he still blames me for to this day - he has said 'you've totally f****d up my life because you couldn't be bothered to get rid of it'. We then discussed having the baby adopted, not because I agreed with him that it was a bad thing, it was because our current financial situation was awful and we couldn't support a child, I want the best for my baby and we would have ended up in a grotty flat with no money and an unhappy child. We agreed the best thing for him was to have him adopted by a secure family who could offer him more than we could. This in itself was very traumatic, and throughout the pregnancy my boyfriend wasn't very supportive at all, if i was stressed or tired he wouldn't comfort me and if I cried he just got cross with me for being upset. He even used to complain about having to clean out my cat's litter tray because I couldn't lift the heavy bag of litter.
After our baby was born, my parents were hoping that I would change my mind and keep him, so after the birth they took him home to look after him for the 6 week period you get to decide after the birth. My boyfriend was fuming about this because he thought my parents were interfering. His parents didn't even come to see me in the hospital and haven't even told his gran or younger sister that he has a son, it's like they are ashamed of it.
When my mum and dad brought me home from the hospital he didn't even wait by the front door to welcome me home, he opened the door then went back into the flat and left me to come in alone. Then I sat down on the bed and cried and he got cross again and asked me what my problem was. I found this unbelievable!
Anyway, the weeks went by and he and his parents started piling pressure on me about what was happening with the baby, as he was still with my parents. Now he just gets angry all the time over nothing. If we are in the supermarket and he can't decide what to have for dinner he gets fuming and snaps at me and swears. He slags off my parents all the time because he thinks they interfered with our baby and took him home when he should have been adopoted right away. He hates my cat so much that I won't leave him alone in the house with him because I'm afraid of what he'll do to him. He is angry about all the 's**t' I've got in our flat (meaning my belongings) and has dictated to me that I can't take it all with me to our new flat. He will literally get fuming mad over nothing and then call me all the horrible names under the sun - (b***h, c**t, p****k, t**t) you name it he's called me it, and he tells me to shut the f up all the time if I try and stand up for myself. I can't even begin to relate all the fights we've had over absolutely nothing, which he always starts by getting angry over things that normal people would just brush off or laugh about. We had a fight yesterday over what we were taking to the new flat and he shouted at me that he hated me and had no interest in me and that he wished I would f*** off, so I went out and took my cat with me, and when I came back half an hour later he had flung our big shoe rack across the flat, shoes everywhere, and thrown my handbag at a wall with such force he had broken it. It's funny but I don't think he'd ever hit me and I'm not scared of that, I just hate all the name calling and think it is so unnecessary for him to fly off the handle over absolutely everything - I am not joking when I say this that he gets stressed every ten minutes. If our router stops working and we lose internet connection for a few mins he punches walls and threatens to throw it out of the window. This morning there was a fly buzzing round the bedroom and annoying us so he got up and said 'oh I suppose I'll have to hoover' and I said 'hoover what' and he said 'the f*****g fly, you stupid t**t, just shut the f**k up' and then proceeded to almost break the hoover.
I am at the end of my tether with all this. I love him so much and if I didn't see a good side to him then I would leave him, as I have been in a relationship before where full drink bottles and xbox controllers would fly past my head and girls who he apparently 'didn't know' would text and say 'thanks for last night'. I thankfully got out of that one.
My boyfriend is a nice guy (and I'm not just saying that to defend him) and I am quite a strong person so don't really stand for any messing, and we do get on like soulmates when he isn't angry. Yesterday when we were putting furniture in the new flat we had a quick scrap but after that we were in hysterics about stuff and just sat together on the floor laughing for ages. Then when we got home all that hapened with the shoe rack etc. I am dealing with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde here, but he blames me for all the stress, says its me thats untidy (I'm not, I just have a lot of stuff that I had to bring in a hurry and haven't been able to sort out due to being pregnant, which of course is also my fault), and my cat's fault for being messy (he isn't, he's just a normal cat who sheds a bit of hair and gets a few bits of litter on the floor occasionally) - basically everything he gets angry about is supposedly my fault. I'm just worn out with everything, I've had a baby that he doesn't want and if I get stressed about having to give him away I'm told that I shouldn't be stressed and that he has no sympathy because the whole situation is my fault, my parents are putting pressure on me to keep him, his parents are putting pressure on me to give him away, neither sets of parents will talk to each other, I'm left to do everything re the move, he said he's going to pack his few bits and I have to do everything else cos it's all my mess, he refuses to clean, hoover or dust because it's my cat's hair that gets everywhere so I have to clean everything all the time, and if I try and talk things through with him he gets angry and tells me to f*** off.
I just don't know what to do, I'm mentally and phsyically totally worn out.

I was verbally abused in my past, and other ways as well but I found out that the verbal stays with you much longer then any other type of abuse. He used to name call etc, put downs, blame me for things. I cried and cried and cried.

Sometimes too (keep in mind) that verbal can turn to more... not in all cases but it can.

The fact that he is doing this and for so long, he has beaten you down with his words. The way you feel is enough to say that perhaps giving up this relationship is the best thing to do. You deserve so much better then this, worth more.

Hi, yeah that's exactly how I feel, beaten down. When he shouts I don't even really bother to try and defend myself as it just causes more trouble, as he is positive he is right, so I guess I have just accepted the fact that it is me in the wrong and me that causes all the annoyances in his life.

Gypsylady, you are being pulled in all different directions. There's chaos all around you and you recognise it is wearing you down.

Slow down, stop for a moment and try and think through what it is that YOU want.

Forget everybody else for the time being. What is that YOU want with your baby and with this awful guy.

It sounds like he is pretty sure he's not the father type, and trying to get to make a family with him is likely to be nothing short of a disaster.

There is so much in your post and so much that needs to be covered, that only the tip of the iceberg can be covered in a forum posts. So I'll get straight to the point. The first thing you might want to do is really analyse why you say you love this guy. Honestly, he has no respect for you, and who really cares how nice he is "deep down" it's what's on the surface that counts. Look at what he does and says and take it at face value, stop putting your own interpretations to it about how he didn't mean it, or he is stressed. He is just simply a really awful guy who treats you and your child horribly.

Can you put aside your dreams and hopes of a loving, equal relationship with this fellow, and really view him the way that he truly is. You say he'd never hit you. Don't believe it for a minute. All the signs are there for him to become physical with you, and if you decide to move your baby son back in with you, he may get physically violent with him too.

You really are letting yourself be guided by too many people, and have lost what it is you want.

Your parents sound like really reasonable people, the fact that they've taken your baby for 6 weeks is very admirable. Is not the best bet for you to have a "temporary" break from this guy, move in with your parents, be a parent yourself for a while, so that you can get your head and your life and your son's life back into perspective. You have so much invested in this guy, and I'm afraid that you'll be nothing but disappointed with him. Can you not make a life for yourself, free from his stress, and live quietly with your baby, or if you decide to put him up for adoption, decide what you want to do with your own life, such as a career etc.

You've given so much of your power away to this fellow, and now that you are a parent, you have to reclaim it back. Can you forget the 'soulmate' bit....look, really hon, any person who doesn't support you when you are upset, really is not a soulmate.

We often say to ourselves "he has a good side". Yeah, this may be true, after all, if someone was "all bad, all the time" we'd not have given them the time of day, right? But if he doesn't show his good side often enough, it becomes obsolete, and he becomes defined by his bad behaviour....such as the stress you are feeling now. Let go of the dream he conned you into thinking you could have, and stop making excuses for him.

There are some books by Patricia Evans if you want to have a read. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change. You should be able to get them from your library. Both are excellent reads, and if you can, you may be able to take a step back and view this relationship from the fly on the wall perspective. If you can do that, you may be able to see more clearly really how bad this guy is, how much of yourself you have lost to him, how much your son really needs you, and make some good decisions about your future.

Thankyou so much shivers, to sit and read that was like a breath of fresh air to see that people understand what I feel and agree with me, sometimes you start to think that it's all your fault, you know? Sometimes I think that I'm being unfair to him as he may have thoughts and problems going on in his head that he hasn't shared, and that maybe I should cut him some slack, but then on the other hand I think that there's no excuse for him talking to me the way he does and insulting my cat and my baby.
Your reply was very helpful to me and has made me stop and think about the whole relationship.
Thanks =) x

gypsylady wrote:Hi, yeah that's exactly how I feel, beaten down. When he shouts I don't even really bother to try and defend myself as it just causes more trouble, as he is positive he is right, so I guess I have just accepted the fact that it is me in the wrong and me that causes all the annoyances in his life.

He says he's positive that he is in the right because he wants to blame you, don't let him. He's never in the right when he talks down to you that way and is abusive. Someone who treats you like that is not right, not his right. You don't deserve to feel so #######5 about everything, there are men out there that can treat you golden as you should be treated he's not treating you that way... Please do not accept that you are in the wrong because you are not... you never will be!

Yes you start to think it's your fault he calls you this, god knows I blamed myself and believed what he told me I was etc... he wants you to feel the blame, so he can feel stronger and have more power over you. Abuser's will always blame what they do to you whether physical or verbal on the victim..... You are not being unfair to him hon. No matter if he has issues or not he shouldn't treat you the way that he is. That is not love. Love does NOT hurt, and right now it hurts.

He insults the baby? That isn't right sweetie.... I'd be upset too if my common-law hubby talked rubbish about my cats a well.

Hang in there.

Yeah the insulting of my cat is the thing that bothers me most, my cat is my little best friend and means more to me than anyone in the world and to see him scared of the shouting and always being criticised on a daily basis cuts me to the core. I would leave my boyfriend for the sake of my cat, I have no doubts about that at all.
What you wrote is so true, I know deep down that he wouldn't treat me like that if he really and truly loved me, I love him and all through the trauma I've gone through these last couple of years I have never once raised my voice to him or called him a name.

gypsylady, it sounds like you might do the right thing. You sound like you have so much love and caring to give and it's being wasted on this guy.

After reading about the way he treats your cat, I'm double convinced that he is NOT a family man. It is now known that domestic abusers mistreat animals, there are now proven direct links. If he's abusive towards your cat, then that is just an inkling to what abuse he will dish out to your son. You don't want that for your little boy.

If you'd leave him for the sake of your cat, then don't force your son onto him, and if you do decide to put him up for adoption, you still have to think about life without this guy.

I hope things work out for you and your new family. I'm sure your parents are doubly worried about you.

Take care