Im sick of being spoken to like am a child, with no respect and im constantly told and reminded how much of a mess i look and how much ive lost, how much of a mess my life is etc. I get told i have to move out and am on the verge of being thrown out. Ive tried treatment for my eating disorder twice and been in child and adult mental health services but nothing seems to work.
My parents just dont understand why i do what i do, and they just instigate all my issues and make me feel worse than i already do. they accuse me of controlling them and ruining their lives, everythings 'my fault' in their opinion and im constantly been told what not to do. Its like, they control me without knowing it, then they have the cheek to accuse me. i dont know who i am anymore, ever since a child ive been domineered by them, so call 'guided' what they think is best for me. when they arent around, reinforcing the negatives and hurling abuse at me, i feel lost. completely out of body like i dont know what to do apart from binge eat and vomit. then pull my hair out and sit around like a nervous wreck with no mind of my own anymore.
I know i have to move out and really want to, but finding somewhere to live is impossible. Im so sick of living this life and having two people constantly bring me down further and further. i feel unsafe unloved unwanted and a constant burden. i cant relax in my own home, even in my sleep. even after copious amounts of alcohol i can never switch off. i dont know wer to turn what to do or what to think. i know one thing and thts my bulimia.
Ive ruined so much, and im not denying i havent disrupted their lives through having my illness, but if only they wud support me, instead of resenting me so much for all my faults and reinforcing how bad my situation is. Im not a bad person deep down, but they bring it out in me, i feel like i have to put up a gurad and get defensive. when they start goin on at me and telling me what a mess i am. I get sick of comments like 'normal girls your age have pride in their appearance, you just dont care, your a mess, have you looked in the mirror lately, get a grip'. and getting called scum and dirty b*tch, loser, low life. dead beat, getting told to go f**k myself. its horrible to be around. it probably sounds petty and maybe im just being over sensitive, but surely i dont deserve this kind of reaction 24/7? i dont deserve to be treat with such disrespect because i have an illness. or do i? im not sure anymore
