Verbal abuse from an ill spouse

I am writing this as a close friend to someone who is being verbally abused; advice is needed as to how to proceed in this complex abusive relationship.

First I will give some history I as I feel it is pertinent in this situation. The abused lets call him Don and the abuser, Amy, started their relationship approx. 9 years ago it seemed to be a normal relationship at first. This was Don’s first real relationship and he eventually proposed to Amy but Don felt marriage should be held off until he finished school and found a stable job. However, Amy gave him an ultimatum to get married or she would leave, Don not wanting to lose her and thinking he would never find another gave in and married while still in school. Everything seemed fine at that point.

Not long after the wedding, Amy began to push to have a child. Don was not ready but again felt the same pressure as with the marriage and relented. During the pregnancy Amy began having problems and it was finally discovered she had Ovarian Cancer, their son had to be delivered via C-section premature, he was in NICU for several weeks barely hanging on while his mother was going through treatment for the cancer. Don was left to care for both of them, a daunting task for a new husband and father.

Amy felt that through her treatment, Don was not there for her enough, although he was juggling a job, visiting his son in the NICU, and caring for her all at the same time. Things really seemed to take a downturn when Amy had her first PE, Don made a bad, but in my opinion forgivable, decision in her critical moment and she has never forgotten this.

Amy eventually recovered from this first bout with cancer, the PE, and their son was doing fine. Looking in from the outside their relationship seemed to be fine but it really wasn’t, the abuse had started. Just before being totally cleared of the cancer Amy wrote a long e-mail to Don basically stating anything he ever did for her would not make her happy and she only needed to focus on herself. This should have been Don’s queue to get out but he was blinded by everything happening around him.

Approximately, two and a half years ago cancer returned for Amy and is still currently going through treatment due to it. Through this treatment the abuse has only gotten worse, Amy is not only being abusive to Don but also their son, her own mother, and even the hospital staff. Amy now has had several brushes with death, several more PE’s, an overdose on prescribed meds and a severe cardiac incident and she has not changed and probably never will at this point.

Although, Don’s blinders have now been taken off, aware of the abuse, and sees the need to leave he cannot bring himself to do it because of her state. Amy has even told Don to leave. He feels he would look like jerk for leaving now, and he may be depriving his son of possibly the last few days, weeks, months, he will have with his mother. The abuse is that bad the son has said, “She’s (mom) trying to destroy me.” Amy’s mother has been hospitalized for chest pain due to stress from the abuse, Don is run down by all of this, is at wits end, and having his own health problems because of it. Don has made it clear that if he does leave he will take his son with him because she does not have the strength or even want to really care for him which is currently shown in the lack of supervision she currently provides.

Any suggestions as to what Don should do in this situation is greatly appreciated, because if he continues to refuse to take action this could go on for an unknown amount of time and cause even more harm to Don and his son.

Hi,

In my opinion, it is clear that this issue has gone on for far too long without anybody taking much notice of it (i.e. - It has been allowed to simmer without anyone watching, and it's now at boiling point). What should happen is that they both atend counselling, if they can afford it. However, it sounds like Amy feels that she is right and would not even consider going to counselling. I also doubt that Amy would be willing to sit down and have an adult conversation with Don. So, in light of this, Don really must just weigh up his future and ask himself the following question:

"Do I really want to be suffering at the hands of this woman for the rest of my life?; or do I want to be free?"

Making the move to freedom is huge - I won't lie - but once it has been made, everything will seem so much better and optimistic. The opinion of the son should also be sought-after though, because he has emotions just like the rest of us.

Kevin

He doesn't want to suffer but sees himself suffering no matter what he does. If he leaves he will feel guilty for leaving her in this state, even though he does not love her anymore or care to be with her anymore. He also worries about other peoples opinion of him should he leave. He says he feels he cannot live with himself should he leave, but is constantly being tortured by staying. He wants to be free but just can't get over the "hump" to get there.

He talks to his son and knows his feelings, and he doesn't like to see his father this way. His father is really the only one he has at this point, when he is scared, or in need he always asks for daddy no one else. The boy even packed his own little bag and said he was ready to leave at one point.

He agreed he needs help through this, in the form of both counseling and legal advice. But says he needs to wait until her latest battle with her sickness subsides. I said if you keep waiting for the right time it will never come because as soon as he feels it’s the right time she will have another episode/hospital stay.

Above everything else, your last line is the best advice to give him right now:

"if you keep waiting for the right time it will never come".

This is true because, 6 months down the line, he will be saying the exact same thing. He will never get out of this unless things drastically changed. You could picture him as being in a never-ending cycle, I guess, but he has to find the little dor that just releases him from it. It's gonna takle a huge effort though - That's what it's sounding like.

In situations such as this, always put the child's perspective first. Sometimes that can really clear away the haze and things become clearer.

I've spoken with women who have had lame abusive husbands, the abuse just goes on and on and the illnesses are used as guilt to get the other person to stay and look after the abusers needs and take more abuse.

Just coz someone is sick, doesn't mean it excuses their behavioiur.

Consider the toxic environment that Don's son is enduring, see if that might make the decision to leave easier.

Thank you for your input I think it has helped a lot as I work these ideas into my conversations with Don. It sounds like everyone on Don's side of the family is as confused as he is at this point, one time they will say to leave, then they say to consider your decisions carefully.

Don's biggest hang up right now is the fear of losing his son because of the possiblity of future court decisions. The hardest part will be for the courts to see through Amy's put-on exterior to what lies beneath. It will be up to Don, his son and mother to prove that against her family and I fear that, it will not be enough.