Flip a coin?

I'll try to sum up quickly, but I need help.

I am separated from my husband and have been for about 7 months.

He was verbally abusive and showed signs of becoming physical in the future.

I met a man who is very good to me, and we've been living together for about 3 months.

Since the separation my husband has gone to therapy weekly, seen a psych doc, and consistently been on medication for depression. He wants to reconcile.

We have a 2 year old daughter together.

My boyfriend despite being a wonderful partner, has a drinking problem. I come from an alcoholic family and this is a deal breaker for me, and he's been willing to compromise and work with me on my comfort level with his alcohol intake.

I feel really split about whether or not to go back to my husband or stay here. Either way is a tough road.

I don't know that my husband is going to stay on the right path, I don't know if my boyfriend will get on the right path.

I have a court date tomorrow to sign a marital termination agreement and my husband is really pushing for us to not sign it, for me to come home and us to go to couples therapy together. I've seen his counselor and he tells me that he feels my husband has an excellent chance of continuing to be in a much happier and non-abusive place. He has no side effects from the meds and sees both of his psych docs regularly.

I'm really torn. Half of me wants to work on my marriage, half of me wants to stay here with my boyfriend who is a nearly perfect fit for me.

It's been so long since I've been around my husband that I don't even feel like I love him anymore, but I feel like if I tried to reconcile and he didn't flip back into abuse mode, it could work out for the better of my daughter.

Has anyone been here before? Gone back to an abuser and had a success story?

Any advice would be appreciated- Thank you in advance..

LeakySoul wrote:My boyfriend despite being a wonderful partner, has a drinking problem. I come from an alcoholic family and this is a deal breaker for me, and he's been willing to compromise and work with me on my comfort level with his alcohol intake.

Okay, this is a little confusing. If his drinking is a deal breaker, why have you been living with him for 3 months now? So you're saying that he's not trying to get help for his drinking? Instead, he's working with you on your comfort level? In other words, he's training you to be a good enabler for his drinking problem?

The husband is in therapy and is truly trying to change it seems. His counselor believes he has a good chance to turn around.

I think if you have to choose between the two, I would recommend your husband. At least he's truly making an effort. I pick heads...you got tails. Flip it...

He doesn't feel he has a problem, yet wants me to feel less fear and anxiety over the issue. He says "I'm not your mother, I'm good to you, I cook, I clean, I'm good to your children, we are great together" ..

I hadn't looked at it before that he was molding me into the enabler role so he can continue to drink comfortably. He's a fully functional alcoholic so it's hard to read by behavior, but it's at least 5 beers per night on week nights and better than that on weekends. To me that isn't normal.

So when I say deal breaker.. I guess I'm referencing the progression of his alcoholism. I don't want to deal with what may inevitably be a alco/codependent relationship.

At the same time I struggle with the idea of leaving him. I love him. I don't know what to do and I have court in an hour.

LeakySoul wrote:He doesn't feel he has a problem

Do they ever?

I don't want to deal with what may inevitably be a alco/codependent relationship.

It seems to me that it may already be one. I was hoping that I read your original post wrong and that he wasn't trying to change your feelings towards his drinking. He could very well be setting you up for the enabler role. And it seems like you might be falling for it.

But you're not really "falling" for anything. You grew up in an alcoholic family so the chances are good that you're already a codependent. Dysfunctional families are the breeding grounds for it.

So how did your court appearance go? Which decision did you make?

I asked the court to put the case on hold. They do a 6 month hold and if they don't hear anything from either of us in that time they dismiss the case.

I haven't decided. I know I'm co-dependent and I'm seeing a counselor. I've been on my own recovery path for a while, and that is probably the only reason I recognize these patterns at all.

The codie part of me wishes he'd just be a jerk so I could get mad and leave.

On a positive note, I have looked at a couple of places to move by myself, which I think is the best option..

Well, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor for your codependency issues. That' really going to be the key if you ever want to find a healthy relationship.

This thread brings the song "Tunnel Of Love" to mind.

"It ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you've got to learn to live with what you cant rise above if you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love"

It's true, compromise is needed in a relationship. But it's a little different with your current boyfriend. You grew up in an alcoholic family so you could be a para-alcoholic. But you'll be upping the ante and could become a co-alcoholic if you stay with him.

LeakySoul wrote:On a positive note, I have looked at a couple of places to move by myself, which I think is the best option..

That's a good idea and I totally agree. Take some time out and work on yourself for now. You'll be ready for another relationship soon enough; a healthy relationship that will truly make you happy.