Co-dependency

I dont know if this is the right place to put this but i have to write it somewhere so here goes. I have been seeing a therapist for the last 2 months regarding my mother and her mental abuse with me. Only yesterday my therapist said that we are "co-dependent" on each other. I have never heard of this before . Mother is dependent on me which is controlling, manipulative and abusive only for her advantage whilst I have lost my own identity to make her happy, yet I am so frustrated with myself and hate her for it at the same time. She treats me like a 5 year old wanting to know everything I do and where I go. I am 43 years old, am a loving wife and mother. I have a family of my own that needs my attention but if Im not doing things for her the guilt will swallow me up. I know this is ridiculous. This is like a pandora box which has opened and I am very interested if there is anyone out there with these issues. I know that I can work through this but its still so new to me that Im totally lost.

I was lucky that I had the opportunity to learn about co-dependency from a very well respected doctor. There's so much confusion about what it actually is.

Only yesterday my therapist said that we are "co-dependent" on each other.

What does your therapist mean by this? That you're both co-dependents? Or if one of you died, the other would no longer be co-dependent? There's a few different definitions of co-dependency. According to Sondra Smalley, it resembles a personality disorder. You'll still be a co-dependent even if your mother vanished off the face of the earth.

I am very interested if there is anyone out there with these issues.

I would recommend researching into this. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse says that roughly 96% of the population has this "disease". You'll be a lot happier if you can get it worked out.

What I think that my therapist was meaning is that I am always feeling boxed in with my mother but in some weird pathetic way that is the only thing I know that makes me feel comfortable. I despise it. She in return is so dependent on me that I would be lost if she wasnt anymore. Does that make sense? Reading through alot of information the last few days, what is co-dependency? There was an example of a group therapy where a girl was crying and the girl next to her passed her a tissue. I read that that is a sign of co-dependency in which the girl passing the tissue was co-depend on the crying girl as it made her feel good that she was being a martyr. To me that is just ridiculous. I would pass the tissue as a gesture of concern for the girl not to make myself look better. Do we have to scrutinize every little thing we do and put a name to it. Its a scary thing. How far do we go with it being a sincere thing to being a mental issue? Im so confused, hope you know what Im saying?

Roz wrote:What I think that my therapist was meaning is that I am always feeling boxed in with my mother but in some weird pathetic way that is the only thing I know that makes me feel comfortable. I despise it. She in return is so dependent on me that I would be lost if she wasnt anymore. Does that make sense?

That makes total sense when talking about codependency. There's certain roles people will assume in relationships. Without knowing what you do for your mother, I might say you're in the "caretaker" role. Did your therapist mention any roles during your session?

Reading through alot of information the last few days, what is co-dependency?

If I had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be:

"Codependency is when we don't know where we end and others begin".

It all comes down to boundaries; that's where human interaction occurs. Both yours and theirs - where you end and they begin.

Where did you read about the tissue thing? I don't see that as being codependent. Like you, I see it as just a nice gesture. But it really depends on why she passed the tissue.

Sometimes, when people are helpful, they're being that way for themselves. Helping needy people gives them a boost in their own self-worth. If the tissue girl used the crying girl for a self-esteem boost, then she could be codependent.