Forgiving the Inner Child?

I recently got rid of my NPD verbally abusive husband, and finally feel like I am starting to come out of a fog. I actually understand how survivors of major disasters feel, and I need to start picking up the pieces.

I have made such terrible choices about men in the past- so often just jumping into a relationship because the alternative, being alone, is just too scary to contemplate, and then putting up with horrible abuse because I am too afraid to be alone again.

I was sexually abused by a neighbour as a child, I think it went on for over a year but I can't be sure, I had an incredibly critical and controlling mother, and my father died when I was 13. I don't want to make the same mistakes in relationships again- I definately don't want to be vulnerable to another abuser and certainly don't want to rush into another relationship just for the sake of not being alone..

I have heard about a technique where you go back to childhood and forgive and reassure the child that you used to be and allow the child to move on and "grow up" I guess, and this sounds like something that could be quite helpful to me. When it comes to my business and career, I make great decisions and really have it all going on, but when it comes to relationships, it's just a disaster, as if the child is making all the decisions, or not making them, as the case may be..

I am wondering if anyone can shed some light on this technique for me. This group is so supportive and so helpful, I am so grateful that I have this forum!

Hi Rozzieoz,

I'm glad that you were able to find the strength to get out of the abusive relationship. Many women aren't able to do this. I'd throw a little party for just you and yourself. This is something to celebrate.

I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were a child. No one should have to go through that! This may be one of the reasons you have trouble in relationships: you have a very early and negative introduction to sexuality. No one should have to grow up thinking that they don't have a choice of what happens to their body. It's YOUR body, and it's YOUR choice.

It sounds like your mother has taught you to behave in a way that is easily exploited. She taught you that letting yourself be controlled and criticized is the right thing to do. This can be difficult to break, but you can do it! You don't need to place your self-worth in other people's hands. The healthiest thing to do is to tell yourself when you did a good job, even at small things like how well you cleaned the bathroom.

Like you already said, it may also benefit for you to think back to when you were a child, and tell yourself that you were good back then, too.

I'm only roughly familiar with this technique, but I Googled the title of your thread. Here are a couple of nice sites:

http://www.globalpsychics.com/empowerin ... hild.shtml This one comes with some ads (I wouldn't take the $45 offers), but it has some "techniques to release your inner child." It continues here: http://www.globalpsychics.com/empowerin ... hild.shtml There is a lot of other stuff on the page, and some of it may come across as rather silly, but it's worth a shot. A shorter version is here: http://recoveryissexy.com/self-forgiven ... ner-child/ This is a nice, bulleted list of things you can do to help yourself heal.

The long and short of it is: you recall being a kid, you comfort your past self, and you tell her the truth about what happened. In this case, something to tell your inner child may be, "You're a good kid, and Mom wasn't always right. She taught us some things that aren't good for us, so we have to learn how to act in healthier ways."

Another therapy for trauma (usually for post-traumatic stress disorder, but I find that it's effective for most bad memories) is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm Your therapist (or you, if you're like me and can't afford it) moves her finger about a foot away from your face. This anchors you in the present. Then, you start thinking of a memory that bothers you, and working with it (forgiving it, replacing it with a good memory, etc.), for 20-30 seconds. Rest, repeat. I swear by this. I finally can have sex without my stepfather being present in my mind!

You could use both of these techniques in combination to help yourself heal. If you do EMDR by yourself, start with short sessions (2-5 min), and set an alarm clock. Tape a note to the alarm clock, reminding yourself of the date (this brings you back to the present), and reminding yourself that you are a good person who is gaining control of your life. From my personal experience, it can be pretty easy to get lost, walking down memory lane with my inner kid.

Hope this helps! Good luck to you.

And don't forget about your party.

Thank you so much, this is a good place to start
*hugs*

Rozzieoz wrote:Thank you so much, this is a good place to start
*hugs*

Right back at you. (((Rozzieoz)))

--Frayed

Hi - i sympathise with your situation. emdr is great for healing early traumas, there are reams of testimonials attesting to this.

in my own case, i found that i had less of a traumatic upbringing (tho there were a few events which would qualify for that term) and more one which involved neglect and verbal, physical and emotional abuse. this meant that what is broadly called 'Inner Child Work' was found (by a therapist) to be perhaps more suitable for me. i started this work 4 weeks ago, and i can honestly say that i am very satisfied that this is the path for me.

i should mention again that sometimes, although we know ourselves better than anyone else, sometimes it takes a GOOD (can't stress this enough) mental health professional to get an even better picture of ourselves, than we think we have.

regards

BTW - almost forgot. a good text to read to see if inner child work might be for you is 'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw. written in 1991 (i think), but the man was decades ahead of his time

Thank you so much!
*hugs*
Roz