WARNING -Suuuuuuuper long post!!!
In a nutshell, here is a brief overview.
Me 38, her 38 married almost 6 years together 8 years, Two daughters together, (20 m. old and 3-1/2 yr. old), she has a 14 yr. old daughter that does not live with us and I have a 10 yr. old son that does live with us. She (my wife) has taken Depakote for the last year but won't share her diagnosis with me, but it must be bipolar according to what I have read about depakote........but that's a post for another forum. She had been on Remerol prior to that for a bit and has been taking Lexapro or Paxil since before I knew her.
So, heres the situation. We have been separated 4 times in the last 4 years, 3 times in Jan and once in Feb. Each time, she claims it is because I am verbally abusive. I know I have said some horrible things to her, but SO HAS SHE to me and her's are usually said first! (and I know that probably doesn't matter)
What she typically says in a fight:
"You aren't a real man"
"you aren't a real father"
"you aren't a real husband"
"A real man would have........."
"How did I get so lucky to get you"
What I typically say in a fight:
"I can't believe you can be such a cold-hearted b!tch"
"F#ck you for saying that to me"
"You are are a nutcase"
I know, not nice at all, but I DO NOT see that what I do is verbally abusive if what she does isn't?!?!?!? I have told her many times that the things she says to me in anger cuts me to the core and I would rather be called ANY name than to be told those things that she tells me.
And in the end, all she sees and believes is that I am verbally abusive. So, any input would be greatly appreciated.
Now for part II. The emotional part of our marriage.
While dating, my wife pursued me like I was the last man on the planet. It was very, very flattering to say the least. I have always had it fairly easy when it came meeting and dating women but my wife's pursuit of me was even more flattering because she really is a knock-out of a woman -blonde hair, incredible blue eyes and the figure of a pin-up girl, kind of Jessica Rabbit-esque. When she walks into a room people, men or women, actually stop their conversations in mid sentence. She is that striking.
Then, sometime right after our marriage, I mean in the first month, something with her changed. This easy-going, affectionate, attentive woman I married seemed kind of distant to me. She started being critical of things that she previously had never even mentioned to me much less was upset by. She would tell me that she always did little things for me, like leave me notes or take out my coffee cup and that If I thought about her as much or loved her as much, I would do the same things. So, I started making sure I did those things for her and maybe even a few extra just so she knew that I did think about her and love her. It worked for a while, then she would complain again about me not showing her enough care with the little things and again I would do more. Then, after awhile I noticed that even though I was doing more of them, she had almost stopped doing them for me.
With all of this, she started complaining about things about me that I didn't see at all. I was actually kind of astounded. When we met, I raced motorcycles, rode them on the street for fun, hung out with friends, went to see my brother, etc. Pretty soon, any time I spent away from her was held against me. Any time I spent in my interests was called me "being selfish and self-centered".
She had always dreamt of owning her own business and had always wanted a deli or coffee shop. Shortly after we married I suggested that we look into opening one. I found a location to her liking, designed and planned a deli/coffee shop (that's what I do for living) rented to space, got the city approvals. She quit her corporate job of 12 years and we started turning the space into our new business. We had it up and running in three months, ran it for a year and then sold it. We made every decision about it together for over a year, but somehow any of the bad decisions were solely my fault.
We struggled with money and I went back to focusing on my architectural business. Money was great, we decided to have a new baby and I thought I had it all, great business, new home beautiful and loving wife. I really did feel I was the luckiest man alive! Then after she was about 3 months pregnant she just seemed aggitated all of the time. It seemed like there was always a tension between us. No matter what I did, it was wrong. If I spent too much away I was ignoring her, if I spent too much time with her I was smoothering her. We fought, we made up, we fought, we made up.
Then she told me that she didn't think we could be together while she was pregnant. Just that sentence blew me away, I mean we where expecting a new baby and she wanted me to move out untill the baby was born? It went against everything I have ever thought about marriage. It went on like this for a couple of months with me trying to balance either chasing her, or leaving her alone, then one day, she got in her SUV and left to her brothers. She called me the next day and said that she had to be away. A week later she asked me to move out so that my "pregnant wife could be at home and be comfortable while growing our new baby". So, I rented a room from a really nice elderly lady a few miles away.
When asking my wife what was going on, she said that "without your daily abuse I feel better". ????????? I mean, I know when we argue and walks out while I am in mid sentece, or slams a door in my face, or flushes the toilet over and over so I can't talk that I know that I have called her some choice names (see above for reference), but abuse?
All of this was during our first separation and we eventually reconciled after I admitted that calling her names was not right and we went to counseling. That was in 2005. We have been separated 3 more times since then and have had another little girl that while pregnant with her took off with our first daughter and went all the way back East to her parent's for 3 months. Last year, she kicked me out only to ask me back after two weeks. Today, she is gone once again and has been out of our home with our daughters for almost two months.
So it boils to that at some point in our relationship, the responsibilty of keeping the family together has fallen on my shoulders. I was fine with that, I guess. I mean someone has to do it and it surely won't be her, because this is what I see that she has repeadtly shown to do:
1. Can't ever admit her own faults or her own issues
2. Shuts down when angry
3. withholds affection from me
4. lies constantly
5. cannot speak to resolution on any of our issues
6. is not honest about her feelings
7. blames me for all of her problems
8. still admits no fault in the failing of her first marriage
9. blames others for problems she creates
10. gets jealous of my time
11. is jealous of other women
12. reads my emails, text messages, phone records, etc.
13. puts me down and defines me, but does not consider herself to
be an abuser
14. Labels me as abuser for saying the same things she says.
15. constantly puts me into "no-win" situations (ei; asking me to
spend time with her, then be cold or disinterested in my when I
do)
16. Never shares her opinion with me, but later gets mad at me
like I should have read her mind about something.
17. Accuses me of seeing other women.
So, to those wiser than myself...............do those traits seem to show that she is emotionally abusing me? I appreciate ANYONE that takes the time to read this diatribe and offer an insight. Thanks all.
John_C