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cold war between Mom and Dad

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cold war between Mom and Dad

Postby skylover » Tue Oct 28, 2008 7:17 am

My parents are having coldwar. When i was in elementary school, my Dad lived in different town to continue his study. After graduated from elementary school, i moved to another town. I lived there with both my parents. There were my Dad's families.

Then i don't know how it started, my familiy got worse condition. There was a stress because of my Dad's families and our finance condition.

When i was in junior high school, my father got used to be angry, then me and my younger brother were often verbally abused. I and my brother never learned to help my mother (because my mother never asked us to), but then my father asked us to help him, so there were some mistakes. that was the moment when we were verbally abused.

Later, he got used to be angry to us. My mother always deffended us. But they didn't quarrel. Because when my father seemed to be angry and abuse my mother verbally, she just quited, didn't make it harder.

But actually my father is an open person, he let me to do the things that i like, but of course as long as it doesn't againt the orders and mores, and i'm responsible for what i've done.

Life goes on, and everything got better. I had grown up. But, still there were some small conflict. But, i never fought him, i just kept silence, and wrote on my diary. Then i moved to another town, to study in college, my mother found the diary, and read it in front of my father. After that, he never verbally abuse me again.

The problem is,,, because my mother, my brother and i got used to my father's behaviour. We stay away from him. I mean,,, we rarely communicate with him. Even if we are in the same home. Sometime my Dad told me about the negative side of my Mom. And my Mom did the same about my Dad. I and my brother feel like being in a cold war, between my Mom and Dad, but we don't know how to make an open communication between them. So... this is the way we live,,,

Somehow i realized, that it repeated to me. I'm having a bad relationship with my partner in the office. I'm sensitive and too exaggerating in communicating with him. He used to joke, but i took it seriously. And when i'm angry, i don't say it, i just keep silence, i don't talk to him except for something necessarry. It gets so many time, until he maybe think that we'd better not to talk at all unless necessarry. And i realized that this relationship is similar to my parents coldwar.

Iwant to fix it, but i don't know how to start it, i'm not communicative. Whatever hurts me, i use to keep it in my heart. I don't use to express my feeling... because i think i don't want to change everybody, they will change if they want to. I just can keep the lesson in my mind, not to be like that or not to be like this,,,
skylover
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Postby jasmin » Tue Oct 28, 2008 9:40 pm

Hi, skylover! You're right, we can bottle up our feelings if we're used to doing it or seeing it happen in our family. It's good that you know what's going on. You can't solve things between your parents by yourself. Your dad shouldn't have verbally abused you and your mom shouldn't have allowed it.
You can try to take small steps, like being a bit more open about your feelings every day.
You don't have to push yourself. Maybe talking to your mom at first would be a good idea, and see what she thinks about it and if she'd want to get closer to your dad.
Also, you could write what you'd like to say to your parents in a letter, and you don't have to give it to them if you're not ready. It'd help you to make sense of your feelings. You could write one letter to your dad and another one to your mom.
You could try to talk to a trusted friend about this, and see if you can change your relationship with them a little bit, by being more open.
There is no rush, though, and you should go at your own pace. Even talking about this here or thinking about it is good.
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thank you

Postby skylover » Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:10 am

i know, it's about me, my willing to change this situation. But it's gonna be hard. I'm sensitive, i'm afraid, i mean,,, i'm too shy to cry, especially in front of my parents.

maybe i'll try it.
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Postby jasmin » Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:24 am

You don't have to push yourself, just do what you're comefortable with right now. It's ok to be sensitive :wink:
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