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i wish it was OK for me to tell myself it hurt

Open Discussions About Verbal Abuse.

i wish it was OK for me to tell myself it hurt

Postby MelonBall » Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:53 pm

i wish it was ok for me to tell myself that it hurt, that its OK to cry about it, and that it wasn't my fault.

i try tell myself that. other people have as well.

But i don't believe it.

i don't know why, only that the pepetrator wasn't a bad man and he could be kind sometimes. so then if i feel sad, it must be that am just feeling sorry for myself. i despise my tears. i look at this girl that i am, this fat, messy blob of tears, and all i can think is "silly cow. God knows how she would have coped if she had had a really bad time of it." i feel like a fake.

my dad didn't mean it, so why does it hurt so much? WHY?
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Postby shivers » Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:33 am

MelonBall, whatever it was he did, whoever it is that hurt you so bad, they did mean it. And it hurts so bad because what he did was hurtful. And he knew he did it.

Put the responsibility of his behaviour back on him. You say he wasn't a bad man, but here's some news for you, bad men do bad things. Good men do NOT do bad things. Saying he didn't mean it excuses what he did. There is no excuse for whatever it is he's done.

Our media likes to portray people as having a 'bad side', but it's much more realistic to say they are 'bad' people, who wish to show a 'good side' only when it suits them.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much self-blame.

But...he is a bad man, who does rotten things and he's fully aware of what he's doing. He's to blame, not you.

Hugs
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Postby shards » Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:12 pm

I think I understand your struggle. Oftentimes when my depression is at its absolute worst, I question myself as to what it is about me that makes me so unloveable. What is it about me that brought out the worst in my father...my sister...my ex-boyfriend. What is it about me that makes me stupid in their eyes? Or some other derogatory phrase they've spouted off at me. What flaw do I have that made me the target of emotional terrorism?

When my depression isn't bad, I try to repeatedly remind myself that it's not my fault. I'm a decent and loveable person. That the only explanation for why they've done what they've done is that they're broken too...just in a different way.
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Postby bereft » Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:19 pm

Melonball,

What you are feeling is not uncommon for abuse survivors. It is so hard for us to admit the pain because that opens the door to feeling vulnerable again which is so scary.

It took me years to accept that I was vulnerable and I couldn't control everything, even the abuse. I had to work on my "inner chld" and learn to nurture that child and help her fail safe.

If you haven't been introduced to your inner child, please take the time to do so. She is waiting for you because you are the only person she can really trust to take care of her by understanding and accepting the fear she has.

Best,
B
Things Fall Apart
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Re: i wish it was OK for me to tell myself it hurt

Postby Ravine » Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:23 pm

Hi
I will tell you to feel bad, it is just the part of our life. Don't you think? It happens in our life. Also getting out of tears when you feel bad is the natural way to calm down by yourself.
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Postby Butterfly Faerie » Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:17 pm

It took me a long time to allow myself to believe it, you need to continue to talk about it, talk to a professional... it wasn't your fault no matter how other's have made you feel. You didn't deserve it.
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Postby rockit08 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:31 pm

I know it is hard for me to deal with my feelings about the abuse because I had to shut my feelings off for so long to cope with it. Also, the abuser is so convincing, and manipulative, it's gets hard sometimes to stand my ground, and to not get confused about what happened. Look into some books about abuse, it will help I think. Angry Men and the Women who Love Them, or The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.
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