My mind say probably my heart says no

I certainly hope some one has some insignt here. I was married for 15 years. Divorced 3 years ago. Did not date and was not in any relationships until 18 months ago, with a guy who is now my Fiance. We moved in together 7 months ago. We have everything in common. Love each other very much. The problem is communication and what is now becoming verbal outbursts from him directed at me. Let me give some background though. He was also in a long term marrienge where there was zero communication. He also suffers from a learning disability that was un diagnosed as a child. From my readings, this can effect their ability to communicate and hold relationships. Any way, upto a couple months ago, we never had any arguements. Recently, there have been some things we needed to clarify or talk about the the matter has ended up with him yelling at me and saying very hurtful things. After he has had the outbursts, he feels very remorseful and apologizes, most of the time does not remember what he said specifically, and says that I can't take anything seriously that he says in the heat of the moment because he can't deal with conflict. This past Sunday was the worst. It doesn't matter why the conversation started, but a simple question turned into him blowing up to the point of screaming, then telling me it's my fault he blows up, saying "damn you, you were'nt supposed to see this person" and saying that I push his buttons. Then some times saying something like " maybe if I remind you to do something you'll think about it"...then, when I say "excuse me"? the blow up starts because he says he didn't say that....I'm not a yeller or fighter. When he has these outbursts I get very quiet and just let him go until he calms down. I literally don't know where they are coming from because upto the point of the outbursts, we are getting along 100% fine. We have even been sitting and watching TV and jokeing then suddenly BAM! he snaps. Then when I ask him what that was about, he says "oh, I thought you were attacking me"...all we were doing is laughing. My friends say he has something going on that has nothing to do with me and I am just on the receiving end. My best friend was in a marriage with a man who had a learning disability and she says when they get that way it isn't personal and to just give him space. My reason for bringing up the marriage is that his ex was mentally abusive to him, so some times I think it might be a pattern, the comments about "attacking him. Does any one have any thoughts on this?

He sounds like he is abusive to you Butterfly-1.
And he is putting the blame on you which is a red flag, and the fact that he is continuing to do it regardless how it makes you feel.
What was his anger over you seeing someone?

Hello,

I'm not sure I understand the question, was his anger over me seeing some one? This past Sunday, I had asked him a question and he just blew up. I'm not seeing any one......in the past few weeks, what happens is there is a conflict, something small to discuss and get on with it, but he freezes up and then gets angry. Example: a couple days ago, we were just doing stuff in the yard and having conversation. I proceeded to tell him about a funny joke web site I found and that aparently prompted him to think about our computer and he interrups me and says the the computer is acting funny and that I need to remember to turn it off when I am done using it. I so rerely use it I just said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was not turning it off".. THAT should have been the end of the conversation, but he said "maybe by me reminding you it will promot you to think aobut it". That could have gone 2 ways, no big deal and I drop it. I thought it was rude and I said so. That made him mad, he said he did not say it the way I "heard it", and that I "twist" what he says. I of course then defend my self and say "no, you said it and I didn't twist anything...that then leads to the "blow up". At the end of the blow up, he is the complete oposite way, as calm as he was before the act, then gets very sad and swears he didn't mean what he said and wants me to just forget about it and let things be "fixed"...like I said, this is all very recent. We have been together going on 2 years and this has been happening about the last 3 months.

Oh I know you aren't seeing anyone, I was responding to what you said here...

"damn you, you were'nt supposed to see this person"

Is he stopping you from seeing friends/family etc ?


When they say that they don't mean what they say is something men who abuse always say (and woman for that matter) it's the fact that he is continuing to yell at you, and blowing up on you for simple things, like you not shutting down the computer, that shouldnt' get him to the point that he got with you.


Has he used names to hurt you? Anything that causes you to have low self-esteem ?

Oh, okay, I understand where you got that then. No, he does not stop me from seeing friends or family, in fact, he is the social butterfly and encourages me to invite friends over and always includes them in any other activities we have, example, this Friday he is throwing a party for his clients, but wanted me to invite my mother and father and friends from work as well. I actually have a very strained relationship with my parents and he is being the positive one talking to me about my feelings about them and volunteering to drive to them and meet them. The outbursts don't come so much from simple statements, ( lets see if I can phrase this)...he says something and I need him to repeat it or clarify it. I think he is seing that as "challenging" or that if he has to repeat him self, it will be confrontational, so he shuts down and says to forget it. If I don't feel I got the answer I need, I keep asking. That seems to be the breaking point the best I can tell. He has never called me names of said things to lower my self esteme, although the things he has some times said have hurt me, if that makes any sense. I'll go back to the computer thing as an example. I thought the way he said what he said came out wrong and was rude and I spoke up and said so. later , he apologized and said he would never say anything that way to me and that he is not a "rude person" and that he would never say I wasn't "thinking", etc. So there is my perdiciment, you can see how pointless that one "blow up/arguemnt was, and should have never reached that point. I don't know ........neither one of us knows what we are doing to get to that point. I certainly do not understand yelling. My father never yelled and I'm not a yeller, so I don't understand. Some times I feel his anger is directed at me and some times I feel his anger is directed at him and some times I feel like he is just frustrated. When I feel like his anger is directed towards me, I don't know what to do, because I don't know what I did...does that make sense?

I have two perspectives on this.

I was in a relationship for 3 years where after about three months we got into a stupid fight where he exploded. He wasn't demeaning or anything but just explosive. It didn't happen again for a long while. After we had been together a year, we moved in together. For 3 or 4 months it was great and I thought he was the best but then we started having fights like that all the time and he would get more and more extreme. Sometimes he was going to leave, sometimes he wanted to kill himself, towards the end of the third year he started getting mean and demeaning when he was angry, telling me that I could never get someone better than him and that I wasn't really smart he just pretended I was and things like that. That was the end for me. So, if this guy learning disability or not, has an anger management problem (ie. gets way too mad for no good reason) it could become progressively worse the longer you are together and the more secure he feels around you. If that is the case, you should consider whether this is a person you want to be with. Maybe, if he wants help, you could try counseling as a couple or individually. But just because he has a learning disability, doesn't mean he has a right to scare you. I realized after I split with that guy that I had been tiptoeing around all the time. I had been so afraid to set him off that I ignored myself. I didn't have a partner, I was his doll.

The other perspective is from my own experience with people telling me how I came across. I can come across really rude or insulting and not realize it. It happens. I do not however get angry when someone points it out, nor do I blame them. I apologize and try to watch myself better. So, while it is possible that you are hypersensitive to him seeming rude, it is no excuse to get angry with you when you stand up for yourself.

If this continues, you will find it necessary to stop standing up to him in order to maintain the peace. This is not healthy and it comes to a point where you can barely breath and he is still angry. At least that was my experience.