can someone chime in on this

My dad is crazy as hell. His Father Taught him NEVER allow you're kids to do better than you did, because when you get OLD they won't take care of you(thats what my grandpa..his father said) and my dad believes it.

anyways
He's dumb in most things but very smart in mathematics and physics which helped him learn "mechanical engineering" from this older guy when he was young, He got into the industry via hardwork but never acquired an actually 4 year degrees (Ton's of credible certificates in engineering and Ton's of experience) ..basically he got in the industry when a 4 year degree wasn't "Required" ..just "PREFERRED"...
Now he has 100,000$ from unclaimed funds from his prior engineering firms he worked for..
He doesn't trust anyone, so he never told me this until i turned 20 ..and he told my mom 3 years ago. (he's married to my mom still) ...He won't touch that money under any circumstances but he's very bad with money(his own check from his current job)...
Now here's where i come into play...he was never around much always at work when i was young..then when i became a pre-teen /teenager...he was "very hard on me" like "Son i don't want you to grow up learning in some bad public school"... so he said you're going to Private Catholic School (school of excellence)...which has pro's and con's!
pro: great learning experience
con: harder courses that lessens you're percentage change of getting a full academic scholarship( i know because i have friends that dropped out of private school and went to public school just to get a full academic scholarship because the work/tests are easier)

All throughout private school i told him i didn't think it was a good idea..but he insisted and said "its his way or no way"...(I'm a kid at the time what 14...not like i can get 2 high paying jobs and support myself yet..so i had to go with the flow)

graduation day, I received the bill of 3-4k (last installment payment for tuition) advisor tells me.."this won't permit you from going to college, but you do have to pay it off to get you're physical (paper)diploma but its still in the system with you're social security that you're a high school graduate(so don't worry)". I shouldn't of told my dad that...

My dad said "Great Son, don't worry...I'll pay that high school tuition off in now time...you just focus on college" , But I'm literally telling him.."dad i'm going to get a 9-5 and pay it off myself so its done.."

he said "Son, you have you're entire life to work jobs...you need to go to college..I have it under control have some patience"

So I'm in College...one semester in ...Bill lands in my dorm room of 5k.

My dad "Son, I don't want to be in the hole financially so you're going to have to take a little break from school...don't worry"

This little break turned into 4 years....but each year he would say "Son, have some ######6 patience..I'm you're father...I'll take care of everything..."

now a year after i dropped out of college..I immediately start working!! but without a degree you're not going to make more than 8:50 if you're lucky. (so i did what i could..but i started to suspect my dad was mad because i got a job in the first place)

So he was ASK for my money as soon as it came in..(son, you got a 100$ here )
then (a 100$ there)... now if you're making 8:50 an hour...how can you possibly MOVE OUT
(which is what most people would advise...dad's a douchebag..move out)
(i felt like was living there for free...so i might as well give him some money ..i'm not paying half the rent ..but i am in a way)

I would say "Dad if you really want to help, we gotta start with the high school tuition"

then my dad would get furious .."SON, DO YOU WANT ME TO PAY HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE..I'll pay high school tuition but You'll never amount to anything and i won't be able to pay for you're college...you want to be working you're job making 8:50 you're entire life? huh?" (to mentally manipulate the situation)

Then my dad found this lady he was attracted to..she had a 8-10 yr old son...my dad start dishing out alot of money to this lady (while he was still and is still married to my mom)
I never caught him kissing this lady or anything but i did caught him sending upwards to 2 grand to this woman monthly and taking her out to eat...buying the son stuff..even bought her a dog and the woman didn't want the dog ..so my dad made up some story to my mom about he got in a car accident and the lady had her car totally and couldn't take her dog home with her..so she asked him to "hold it for her for a few months".
Basically my dad gave my mom this dog that was originally the lady he was seeing on the side..but thats alright..but the problem is my mother is diabetic and she needs her medication and stuff and good balanced meals..and during that time..he spend so much money on that woman..my moms health went down because the refrigerator was bare..
so NOT only did have to give my dad upwards to 200$ every check..I had to help pay for my mom's food and medication most of the time...meanwhile all my friends from private high school are well on they're way to graduating COLLEGE already..."they're puzzled like dude you're smart..what happened" ..some of my friends are like "Dude, you're smarter than me..how did you end up like this" ...

Now its 2008...my dad broke up with that woman, but he then got focused on...being a millionaire..he figured .." i have 100,000$ in a bank account nobody knows about, I made 90,000$ on my job" ..I should be able to fund a business ..so puts most of his check bi-weekly into renovating this building thats going to be his Restaurant Business...he doesn't own the building so he's leasing and paying the couple that owns it ..600-700$ thats not that bad..(because he making 40$ dollars an hour or more : check bi-weekly is 4k or more)
But then my dad has people working on renovating the inside of the building...which is costing him a few thousand...bi-weekly...but my dad says
"Son, once this business jumps off..we're all be millionaires...and you'll never have to work..and you can go back to school if you want too...how about that son?"
And my dad says "Son, i need you involved in this business...because thats why businesses fail because The Kids never want to carry on the legacy and take over...You're going to be taking over ..so this is OUR business..not just mines"

so he insists i go with him down to Kentucky (Bi-weekly)

Meanwhile I'm trying to save as much money as possible to GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION!
Only thing i have going for myself is the fact I DON'T have any KIDS..so I'm the only person suffering from my (bad mistakes and not having enough backbone to stand up to my father)

Right now i'm trying to get a job at this community college so i can get a discount on classes and enroll. (even though, I know technically I won't be able to chip away big chunks of all my LARGE SCHOOL DEBT)...

Okay so if you're still reading this..(which you're probably NOT)...
Thats the end of my situation/story!

Oh man, do I feel for your situation. Lots of similar things in our lives...

My dad is terrible with money. if there is a late fee out there, he's paid it. He could probably pay for my loans with all the late fees he pays, for no reason. Most of the time he HAS the money. He is just too caught up to notice it's been a month. I'm not really sure why, actually. I guess its his drinking. He says mechanical engineering is a stressful job. He was actually just fired and is now suing Lockheed Martin... wish us luck!

I was stuck at a private high school, wishing away the time until college. I refused to drop out of college once i got there ( I was never asked, but my older brother opted to , well actually he kinda failed out at the same time) I took on loans in my name when my dad was denied. I opened some credit cards. (still paying them off... and loading them up at times)

So the point of sharing my story with you-- I am doing good. i graduate undergrad in December in 5 1/2 years and with more debt then I'd like... It was tough. I worked and took classes part time towards to end. starting up my last semester knowing I would be going in to debt each month since I can't work enough and go to classes is a hard reality. But I am doing good.

It sounds like you still have high hopes of eventually succeeding in life. There is always a future to make for yourself. Have fun!

My sympathy for your plight.

But I think your answer is mixed in with your dilemma.

You know what you want. And as the previous poster said, times may be difficult, but if you are willing to make the sacrifice, you can break free of this rut and achieve your goals.

Unfortunately, if your father is abusive and places unrealistic demands on you, you must be prepared to tell him no.

Let me say this again. YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO TELL HIM NO.

It doesn't sound like he will take this well, but you can not allow yourself to buy into his reality. He may feel like you are deserting him, that you won't be there for him when he's old, but those things are up to you, and in my opinion are not required just because you are his son. Maybe you will be there for him. But that is something he will have to earn. And that is something you will decide no matter what he expects.

If he's decided you won't be there for him, all you can do is tell him you love him, that you have no intention of deserting him, and then move on.

The irony is that by being so abusive with their expectations of desertion, abusers often cause the very abandonment they fear. The abused remain far too long in these abusive situations, feeling that if indeed do choose to leave, they are validating their abusers concerns.

This is just wrong, but I understand how easy it is to buy into an abusers frame of reality.

I believe we take care of our parents because they took care of us. They help us achieve our dreams, so we give them our devotion when they need our care.

This does not sound like the case with your father.

If my father continued to abuse me in the way you have described, I would not be happy the relationship had turned toxic, but there is only so much you can sacrifice to maintain the relationship for the sake of the relationship itself.

If graduating college is your dream, by all means, go for it. I have several college students working for me that use their salary, student loans, and roommates to get by.

While it certainly would be nice for your father's promises to help to actually come through, it doesn't sound like he or they ever will.

It would be a shame, especially with the potential you describe in yourself, to wait another day to let go of your father's expectations and just do what you feel is best.

ok, here's the deal.

You need to gain some understanding of your father so that you will recognise his emotional blackmail and his mind games and react accordingly. Which basically means that you can go and tell him to go and 'get stuffed' without feeling immense guilt.

It sounds to me like your father has heavy narcissistic tendencies, because of the way he is treating everyone. Unless you recognise what he is doing, you will be roped in and if you don't break away from him you'll be forever tied up in his games and it'll be the year 2028 and nothing has changed.

Here's an example of what my father did. I'm 17 and working my first job, and wanting to get my drivers licence, but Dad won't let me learn in the family car and has outrightly said that I'll never be allowed to borrow the family car either, so I have to buy my own car first. He arranges a nice deal with a friend of his to get me a Datsun 1600 (1960 model and the year I bought it was 1980) and this friend even puts an extra booster under the car seat so that I can see out properly as I'm small statured (under 5'). I pay $2,000 for the car which runs nicely, and suits me perfectly, it's a great car. I think I keep it for about 3 years, I paid it off. And then I met my husband-to-be and needed money for a downpayment on a home, and since my boyfriend had a car we decided to share his for a while) so........Dad says he'll buy the car from me, and offers me $800. Telling me that is what the car is worth. I believe him. He buys it from me, drives it around for 2 or more years, then sells it at over $2,500. (To fully understand the impact of this you have to appreciate how much $1,700 meant back in early 1980's, I was 20 and had not long been married, and had saved really hard to put a deposit down on a house and was living with a mortgage of approximately $180 per month, and my take home pay was about $120 per week. When I questioned my father had intentionally ripped me off and had been unfair he got angry at me). One would think that parents would be willing to do their utmost to help their kids 'get ahead' especially when they are finding their own way in the world with buying their new home and marriage and everything. But he appeared to have no guilt or shame or remorse for taking an opportunity to get a cheap car from his 20 year old daughter!

This is just one example of a long list of stuff that I could compile over the years. (I'm 46 now and it's not changed, I just don't believe him about anything, or get roped into his selfishness.)

As we grow up, our parents make us believe that everything they do and decide for us is ALWAYS in our best interests, and you know what.......with some parents it's not. The decisions they make are all about THEM, not about what's best for the kids.

That's narcissism.

Get Nina Brown's book, Children of the SElf-Absorbed, helping Adult Children of Narcissists. And you'll read your father in between those pages.

The crux of the matter here, is that you may need to reframe your perception of your father. He's not acting out of your best interests, but rather his own. And if you could break free from his entangling web and start taking control of your own life and chasing after your own goals without allowing your father to sabotage those goals, you will probably be able to get ahead.

Good luck.

Oh, and I just read HughDeppman's reply - everything he said as well.

All the best.