What would it take to try again?

Hi all. Just call me Hugh. I am new to these forums but have lurked a little and hope you will help me with my situation.

I'm in an odd dilemma. About 7 months ago, I cut off my relationship with my identical twin brother. I had felt abused for years and in the last 6 months of our relationship, I realized the problem wasn't getting any better, it was just getting worse.

Most of our disagreements came over how he treated others, especially women, and in recollection most of the abuse seems to have come from whenever I brought a grievance or concern that did not match his self-image of a shaman/philanthropist, such as when he told me a woman was upset he had not told her he was sleeping with other women and cut off her relationship with him, I gave him no sympathy, only told him he should have been honest instead of telling her, "Just assume I'm sleeping with other people."

The deal-breaker happened when I told him after one particularly abusive experience that I realized now our values were too different for me to be close to him or discuss anything with him that was not absolutely necessary, and he retaliated by telling me the next day he was moving out in one week and taking the utilities with him. I asked if he would reconsider since that left me basically homeless (our lease ended that month) unless I could find a new place to live in one week, and he told me, "You created this problem. If you want to do something about it, let's talk. Otherwise, you have some choices to make."

The biggest problem for me has been that he refuses to acknowledge I have ever felt abused. I don't have any idea how I could even consider building a relationship with him if he isn't willing to concede not even that he was wrong to treat me this way, but just to concede that right, wrong, or indifferent, I felt abused. So abused that I felt I had no other option than to cut off our relationship.

Though I have accepted, despite the nature of our relationship, the relationship is over, I still love him, I still miss him, and from time to time wonder what it would take for me to ever feel it possible to develop a relationship with him again. I'm getting married next year. It's hard not to picture him there.

What would it take for you to consider developing a relationship with your abuser again? What signs are you looking for to indicate the abuse would not continue, or that they are at least willing to work to make sure it stops?

As I said above, my concern is that if he isn't willing to admit abuse even occurred, there is no way to move forward to stop the abuse.

I think many people want a feeling of 'contrition' to come from the abuser. Thing is, it's usually exactly the affective state they're incapable of experiencing.

Most abusers won't admit abuse happened.

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It's very difficult to let go of family who are abusers. But many people, once they do so, feel a weight lifted from their shoulders, because they know they don't have to have that tightness return to their neck and shoulders, and that 'preparedness' feeling, like 'vigilence', that comes when you know you're going to be around a person who will abuse you.

They feel relaxed.

It takes some time to get over it - the grief of loss, but as I've said, some feel the benefits for healthy living outweigh the sadness of loss.

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If you opt for a compromise, and want to have weddings and funerals turn out ok for everyone, just try working on setting boundaries so that you never end up in a situation again with this person where they have the opportunity to abuse you.

So, this might mean:

- don't drive with him in his car - he can toss you out - if he asks why you insist on your car, tell him. You don't trust that he won't toss you out on your ass like he did with the apartment.
- don't discuss intimate issues with him, or personal ones that can be misconstrued or used against you.
- sometimes you have to work with a therapist to experience life and come up with solutions on an ad hoc basis.

Good luck.