What is this?

I don't know if this is verbal abuse or not. Ever since I was little my mom would yell at me over the simplest little things I remember one specific time where I got so upset that I started crying and she had yelled "F**ing crybaby!!" Which obviously only made me cry more and then she comes and apologizes and just acts like nothing happened.

She yells a lot at me, my little brother and my dad. The worst is if you spill something, when I was little I used to try to clean it up and if she started coming into the room I'd try to run to my room before she could yell at me. And then after she finds the accident and yells she just comes and apologizes. My poor little brother used to go in his room and cry and then she'd apologize. I guess I've learned to deal with it because I don't cry anymore.

My dad always gets yelled at and from when I was little I've always tried to take his side just because I felt so bad for him. A little while ago I decided I had had enough. When she'd start yelling in the car I would ask her calmly to stop yelling and that only made things worse. She'd yell "I AM NOT YELLING!!!" or "DON'T TALK BACK TO ME!!" And after a few tries I found it better to just keep my mouth shut and let her finish yelling.

It's really awful because you never know what could make her angry. And I absolutely dread riding in the car with her. If she's late, or there's a red light, she will cuss and tell me that it's my fault that we're late and yell about how it always has to be her that gets the red lights. She was better for awhile and then things started to get bad again. I think this is what made me so afraid of adults, at school my teachers would reprimand me for the tiniest thing and I'd start bawling. It was stupid but it seemed involuntary because I couldn't help it.

When I was younger I used to tell myself that you can only apologize so many times for it to actually be meant. And after awhile when she'd apologize I'd be telling her in my head "Yeah, right, if you were sorry you wouldn't do it!" But I can't not forgive her because I love her.

I am absolutely terrified that I will yell at my kids later on in life and I never want that to happen, but being around her just makes me want to yell back...I don't know what to do about it.

First up, it is verbal abuse. It really is.

Secondly, the constant cyle of abusive yelling then apologising is an abusive cycle in itself, and it also overlaps into psychological abuse.

You are correct when you recognise that the cycle your mother has put you through is what makes you 'bawl' when someone else of authority does anything that sounds like yelling.

Same thing happened to me. Impatient father who yelled a lot, as well as Mum, in my 20's I found myself overwhelmed with upset feelings and would have to disappear into the ladies for about an hour while my body would be racked with sobs whenever someone yelled at me in the work place. It also made me very nervous about meeting any new bosses etc. Very scary. I'd stand there and stutter and wring my hands and blush bright red and sweat profusely......as my career was progressing this became something of an embarrassment and an internal devil I had to overcome.

You are very right to be aware that you have a fear that you'll yell at your kids too. They have an uncanny knack of bringing out feelings and fears that affected us negatively in our childhoods. But since you recognise it, means you have knowledge of it, means you can control it. Considering that yelling has been modelled for you as a conflict resolution tactic you'll need to be extra vigilante in your own dealings with conflict resolution with your kids.

I delayed having any kids until I was 41 for this very reason.

You may be different....I hope so, as there's so much more material around these days that you can read about and learn so much more.

Arm yourself with some positive parenting books. Discuss with other parents what positive reward systems work well for them. Attend some positive parenting courses if you feel you're losing control with your kids. I did, and they worked immensely well. Today I will speak with my mother about positive reward systems I use for my 5 year old daughter, and my mother always appears to be astonished by them. I recognise now that she has no knowledge of how to deal with discipline other than for it to be negative discipline of shouting, yelling, losing control and lashing out. I didn't have any positive parenting modelled for me as a child, but I've been successful in modelling it for my child.

Have I yelled? Yes. Do I feel guilty for having done so? Yes. Do I yell as much as my mother and father did? Hell no!!!!

Accept the fact that you will yell at your kids at some stage. I'm not sure any parent never has....although some say they haven't!

But, the difference is not to lose control, walk away whenever you can, and do apologise if your yelling was way out of line. Your kids will understand.....I'm sure you won't be nowhere near as bad as your mother was/is.

Last night my daughter was quite tetchy, and I recognised that I was responding with less patience than I should have. After a short while I said, "You're not acting as good as what you have before, and I'm a bit grumpy, so I'm sorry for that. Shall we both act a lot nicer?" Her response, "That's ok Mummy, I'm being a bit naughty, let's cuddle."

If you tell your children it's the behaviour you don't like, rather than them, it makes the biggest difference in the world. If you're sorry's are genuine that will make the biggest difference in the world.

In the meantime, minimise contact with your mother, she sounds like she's a pain in the butt!

Cheers

Thank you so much for your feedback and tips!! I wish that I could minimize contact with my mom but seeing as I'm only 15 that probably won't be possible! But it really means a lot to me to have those parenting tips for when I get older!! I will definetly remember that!
I always thought that was how all moms were, but after seeing my friends parents I thought maybe it wasn't normal, so thanks for confirming my doubts!