What do you all think about forgiveness?

shivers wrote:You can look at it this way, you forgive because YOU deserve it. You don't forgive because the abuser deserves it. There is a big difference.

A lot of people think that forgiveness is about saying, "I forgive you" to the abuser, but this is not correct, really. Telling someone you forgive them because you feel you're doing it for them, won't help you. Telling someone you forgive them when you know they don't deserve forgiveness, won't help you either.

I thought this was an amazingly lucid way of presenting the two sides of the forgiveness coin. In fact, I never thought of it clearly as two sides until reading this - it has to be, because there is a "forgiver", and one who is being "forgiven". Sorry, I know this thread is old, but I want to say that it resonated with the jumbled feelings I get whenever I try to "forgive" someone, because I was never quite sure for whom I was doing it.

This is actually something that I have struggled with a lot. I agree that "forgiveness" means different things to different people at different times. And people have different opinions on the idea. Even within myself, there are people that I'm more likely to "forgive" than others for a variety of reasons. I've actually been berated by a mod on another support site because I refuse to acknowledge my abusers pleas for "forgiveness". Allegedly, I was being abusive to my abuser because I wouldn't talk it out. I didn't think the requests for forgiveness were genuine, and I don't feel like I owe my abuser anything-and that is a decision that I stand by regardless of what anyone says.

To me, forgiveness means putting the past behind and continuing on in a relationship of some sort with the abuser. I've tried doing that with my mother and simply couldn't, so I went no contact with her and I feel much better. But I have "forgiven" my ex, in part because I understand that we both suffered similar child abuse that damaged us both in ways that contributed to both of our behaviors-his as an abuser, and mine as the abused.

However, I do feel that experiencing anger and then letting go of it is important because it can be so damaging if it is suppressed and/or held onto for too long. The idea of anger being a healthy response to abuse is kind of taboo for some reason that I don't understand. Yes! if you are violated, I think it is healthy to be angry, and it is your right. And then let it go.
For a long time, I suppressed my anger and just didn't want to deal with it. All the while it kept growing and building until I was forced to deal with it. As a result, I really don't have anger left towards my mother, just sadness for the relationship that could have been and a little bit of pity and disgust for the wretched human being she is.

I think that some people equate letting go of anger with forgiveness, which is fine, but I don't. I can let go of anger toward someone without "forgiving" that person. I'm no longer angry at my mother, but at the same time, she's not someone that I want in my life in any way at all.

I just think that the whole idea of "forgiveness" is so subjective, and that no one should feel pressured to live up to someone else's beliefs about it.

In my opinion, it's about trying to reach the point where you can make up your own mind whether or not the abuser is deserving of your forgiveness.

I'd say it's about finding happiness and accomplishments in your life that's not in any way connected to the abuser/ life you had with the abuser. This way, you will feel so powerful that you will erase the image of the abuser out of your mind and won't even be bothered with such thoughts ( abuser, forgiving the abuser or anything else related to the abuser).

Was it your own intimate experience regarding the humiliating feeling of being abused or was it your mom's and sister's? How is their opinion relevant here? Not everyone reacts to the same things in the same way. Likewise, perhaps your sister and you were exposed to the same / similar things but had two completely different behavioral and emotional reactions to it.

Educate your mom and sis that humans are unique individuals.