Getting over the grudge.

My grandmother has been like a third parent to me for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced when I was five - my mother had to work full-time, so my grandmother moved in and essentially raised my brother and I. I am grateful for this sacrifice and for the love that she has shown me over the years.

However, I also have a deep, deep reservoir of anger towards my grandmother. She never belittled me or screamed at me but she cut me in other ways - frequently by questioning whether my feelings towards her were sincere. When she got home from a long trip one night, I was sleepy and did not give her a very enthusiastic hello. The next morning I found her sobbing. Some of the lines I remember: "You don't love me!" "It's fine, it's just that you don't love me. I love you but you don't love me." "You only want me when you need something from me."

I was 11.

That was a pretty big episode, but there were smaller occurrences that happened on a daily basis - if I moved when I was next to her it meant that I didn't want to be around her, if I wanted her to do something differently it meant I hated her and/or didn't care about her. There are just moods that she gets into where she questions the intentions of every single thing you do, whether it's moving to the kitchen to get a snack or saying that you'll look at the photo album with her later or asking her to not do something. You feel on guard every second, like a performer on a stage. If I smile like this, will she finally believe that I love her?

My mother had been through years of this behavior and was upset to see it happening with her children, so she enlisted a help of a therapist who was able to rectify the behavior. It is not perfect and she still has minor relapses - but things that used to happen every day now only happen every six months or so.

I am now in college. I love my grandmother very much but I dread dealing with her because I am afraid that I will open myself up to future accusations. In the past this has led me to cut myself off from her almost completely, to ignore her as much as you can ignore someone that lives in the same house. I don't think this was the correct course of action; I am ashamed and deeply regret it, since in other issues my grandmother has always been there for me.

Finally this summer we started to make great strides. We spent quality time together and had some of the best conversations in years. Then, for no reason at all, a relapse. A minor burp compared to the past, but still. I asked her not to do something, she accused me of not caring about her, and has sulked/cried/ignored me for the last two days.

I want to have a relationship with my grandmother but I am tired of this. The spirit of a spoiled child has possessed someone I love. I know that I have to take the high road but right now the difficulty is that I am flashing back to the past, and I am positively livid. I was a little girl that missed her dad and was being treated like a leper in grade school - and I had to come home and support an adult with her problems - was made to feel like a horrible unloving granddaughter because I didn't give her a hug fast enough.

But my grandmother is not getting any younger. She is firmly locked into this pattern of behavior as she has been doing it for decades, with generations of children in my family. This will be as good as it gets, and to some extent I have made peace with that fact.

So I want to have a good relationship with her, but my problem right now is my own anger. Does anyone have any suggestions for getting over a grudge - or for how to redirect anger? Should I invest in a punching bag?

Hi, LovelyHue! This sounds like a difficult situation for you. I don't live with my grandmother, but she used to say bad stuff to me too, when I was a kid, so I think I can understand a little bit about what you're saying. Others have been cruel to me as well, and I have to deal with the anger.
You have to grow above her somehow and sort of take what you need from your relationship. Try to think of her as an old lady when she does this stuff and don't let it get to you. I mean, tell yourself that when it happens.
Maybe give her a taste of her own medicine and ignore her too, so she can see that you can't be manipulated.
You shouldn't have to do anything that causes you harm. You could also try talking about it when she makes you angry, to someone who understands, and you could post here.