PLEASE I NEED ADVICE - AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

Hello,
I really dont know myself anymore, I seriously need some help and advice.
Exactly one year ago I met my boyfriend, he was a very charming, caring and warm hearted person. I seriously fell in love.
He is two years younger than me and has not the same social/ducational background - I mention this because I wonder now if this is the reason why everything ended up in this diseaster I am yet facing.
When I met him I was still married with one of my best friends, we actually married for my friend to get better chances for a job - he is gay.
Anyway, my boyfriend seemed never to have any problem with anything, in the beginning I thought I have the best days of my life. Everything seemed to be perfect and h, as well, assured me that he has exactly the same feelings.
After 4 months I found out that he tried to cheat on me with another, young girl who looked really the opposite of me and he was looking for partners on the net.
The way he did all this was even very painful, he put pictures on the web I SHOOT for him, he used the same cosy words for this other girl to get close to her, things I gave him as present he used to come closer to other women. And the others were just totally different from me as well, older, fat ugly. And he also had online sex with whoever, women who looked similar to me he put down in chats in very bad way.
A friend of mine confronted me with all this, I was so shocked that I could not understand my world again. I was nearly committing suicide or going to the hospital, I was so hurt. Unfortunately it was him who offered me his help and I dont know, he made me to stay. He explained things to me in a way that I thought ok, he´s right, I made mistakes, I have to change, I got this message, he just couldnt tell me the truth.
The game "lying- finding out-appologizing" continued, and I had no powe r to leave him but tried like a brainwashed to fullfill ALL his needs. But no matter what I did, it was not ok, it was never enough. I start to feel sick, I tried to communicate, finally I even stopped talking, I just reacted.
Two days ago a scene which usually happens happened again: we made an appointment to meet in the afternoon - as usual he wanted me to help him for something - and I had a very hard working day. Suddenly he called me and started to shout without any reason naming me with horrible things. Everything was alright in the morning by the way. He didnt stop and even came -ignoring my wish as usual - to the office, shouting and embarrassing me, naming me (never direct in front of my boss). I didnt know-as usual what to say. It ended up that I ran after him, begging him to explain me what happened, while he was just turning around naming me with bad things again and leaving me behind. Then he stopped picking my phone calls, btw this is the only evening we supposed to have together the WHOLE week.
He didnt call me till next morning, and he just called me because he wanted me agein to do something as well - although I never do anything right for me. I agreed but told him that I have no time to see him - usually I AVOID to meet him in the past weeks, I had so much stress and he never cared about me, neeting him meant to get even more tasks to do. he even didnt care about that but later in the afternoon he called again telling me he is sorry for what happend on the weekend, but of course all was my fault and even his appology was not really serious.
I answered that I accept his appology but need time for my work and dropped the phone. Then he did something he usually does: he called me, I picked and only heard music but not his voice- Idropped called back - again only music- again I recalled : suddenly no music and he started shouting on me why I didnt answer him. I told him I could only hear music, he will tell me I am lying I heard him clearly and continue this until I give in.
After that he bang the phone on me. Later he came to my office to pick his sport shoes he wanted me to prepare in the morning, he ignored and banned me TOTALLY, just as if he doesnt know me. Anyway, something strange happened: I seriously started to fear. I was shaking all over my body, ignored him as well and was very happy for him to leave. Anyway I as seriously afraid.
Later in the night - he starts his job around i.40 in the morning - he called. I told him that obviously I never understood and that I have the feeling he hurts me so much because he wants me to leave so I´ll do that-amd he shouted on me again and mamed me again and told me he is fed up.
I supposed to be on the point that minute to thank God, but I was stupid and called again to ask him WHY????? He shouted again on me and stopped by telling me I should call him in 20 minutes. A few minutes later he called again and said that everything is alright, I should stop talking about everything and go to bed immediately, also that I should sleep well and wake up exactly six o ´clock. It was really an order.
This was the point I thought I have to go to net and check out what is going on here.

I am a very normal person in general and if somebody is not correct I immediately set a boarder. I work in a very hard job, I work with asylum seekers from all cultures and backgrounds as their lawyer in an NGO and beside I am a PR and strategy consultant in free lance.
I MUST show my boarders and as well clearly who I am and what I dont want.

When I met my boyfriend I was in very bad situation after the death of my auntie, I was lonely and too focussed on my work life. He just made me to change and believe me, he was so nice and an assistant to me in many ways.

It is not easy to live with me because I have so much to do, but he also faced a lot of hard times.

But he doesnt tell me the problem, I mean he is brainwashing me.

When I searched the net I came to the sites of "verbal abuse", and all points fit more than 100 per cent to my situation. The communication and habits are exactly his way, and not every day in the same intense but if it comes, it comes totally in that way ALWAYS, really ALL THE TIME.

Now I start to understand my situtation and his way to treat me, eg. when I asked him why are you looking for other women and dont break up instead he told me once he does it to OFFEND me.

What made him to change?
And more than this how can I stop going after him, this is the most worst part. It is like an addiction.

Now I found out again that he is lying to me in the net issue, I believe he even is already betraying me, but instead of leaving him when he says he wants to go, me, I run after him like a baby dog.

I get totally mad-TOTALLY. Maybe because I cant understand him.

It is so unbelievable that somebody I shared a whole year with EVERYDAY just names me in a bad way, turns around and leaves!

What is it that he cant tell me directly?

Why he is coming back again when I confront him?

Why cant I let him go, why do I cal him again or see him?

He is NOT coming back if I dont call.

How can I get rid of this really sick situation and more than this how can I come back to myself?

I am so confused, so sick, so tired of the way he is dealing with me and my feelings, he is so aggressive an brutal, doesnt listen,ignores my feeling, telling me what I have to do think fell, even when I have to go to toilett, or how I have to sit down.
Often he tells me to shut up and sit down.

On the other hand this seems to look like "phases", suddenly he turns - without no reason - back to Dr. Jekyll. Also without no specific sign.

ANd sometimes I see that he himself suffers from his rage.

But it becomes always more aggressive and more brutal.

Tell me how I can STOP calling him when he says it is over, how can I break through this?

Why is he just abandonning me, just like that.

Somehow I believe he wants to go with another person, he is definetly not telling me anything at the moment, but usually he does when he is better.

Me, I am so upset that I still even want to know his reasons, I feel so brainwashed. He is still in my head although he is not around and although I dont want him to be around.
I dont know what to do again and I can only find a way out fast, I cant change my environment at the moment or move to another city.
PLEASE GIVE ME AN ADVICE, it is even helpful to me if you tell me that it is normal, that the abuser is just going ahead and leaves the victim - most sides in the net say that the abuser is going after the victim, but he, he just stops communicating till I COME BACK.

PLEASE help me.

Thank you and sorry for my long message.

Pat from Europe

that I experience this need to do something I dont want to do somehow for the first time in my life. I eg. pick the phone or run after him although everything is telling me: STOPPPPPP

YOu cant believe how ill and tired and upset I feel and am already, and I am as well nit sexual addicted to him.

Loking back I can say that although he is telling me that I control him, he is even telling me how I have to bath and when.

I did not realize this till xesterday, I thought either I die or do find out what is going on here.

Hi, patful84! The way he treats you is very wrong. I think he doesn't chase you because he knows that you will come back to him. He is being abusive and cruel.
Maybe he triggers you by reminding you of some other time when you felt this way, abused and scared of being abandoned, and that is why you haven't been able to let him go. Also, sometimes it's easier to care about someone who is wrong for us than to be alone.
Don't call him again. Give yourself time to think and get stronger. Come here and talk if you feel like going back to him.

jasmin, thank you! It is really helpful to know that I can come here whenever I want to go back or feel like calling him.
Today I just focussed on my work, trying to ignore everything so he called and told me when/where to meet. I am honestly not yet strong enough to tell him finally to go, but I dont want to be with him any longer, I just fear to tell him before I have made up my mind how to "escape". That sounds strange, I know, but since I thought your posting over, I knew that when I truly show him it is over, he will return and start to stress because he can reach me easily in my working place. I agreed into the suggestion to meet - he did as if nothing happened before - and when I suggested the time he started again right from the beginning. He just bang the phone blaming me that I am stupid. Again I wanted to call him but instead I decided to leave my working place - we got to know each other there- and visited a friend of mine. I couldnt go home (we dont live together but till now he has a key) but also not stay in the office, I knew there I wouldnt get him out of my head.
After 3 hours of relaxing with my friend he called and told me where to meet. I went to meet him, we stayed in a park outside, and he just ignored me or named me or asked me the same questions over and over again. I was - for the first time - in the position of the observer and listened carefully, he is telling me things like "you have to obey....", and I guess I made him quite insecure because after a very long time today I felt better. I won over myself by leaving the situation in the afternoon and going to a friend. And during the "conversation" I didnt allow him to make my head go crazy or to totally disorganise my thoughts. He was surprised and his reaction was so strange. He was so aggressive, his face was so under tension, he had lost so much weight in the past days, he tried not to let him go, so he tried to stay cruel with all means, like not touching me-as usual, not greeting me when we meet.....
I still cant say I met him only because I fear his reactions after the seperation, but jasmin, you are right I am truly afraid to be abandoned, I dont fear to be alone, really not. And after saying Good Bye I didnt call him again, his reaction was that he called me several times to ask me some stupid things.
What is also strange is that he didnt come to stay with me for the past two weeks in my house, today he said he wants to follow me now to "catch some fun" and then he said, it is better he is not doing it. I guess if I´d said that I dont want him to come with me because I need to work he would have had insisted to join me.
(I JUST OBSERVED THIS TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME- I FIND IT SERIOUSLY DISGUSTING THAT I ALLOW SOMEBODY TO BE WITH ME IN THAT WAY).
I will follow your advice, think about everything and try to get stronger. Talking/writing/telling helps me a lot, and most of all, it is a help that I can come back any time when my head gets mad and wants to go after him. The only thing that helps me is either changing the scene or in the late night to TALK about it.

So although I met him, it was the FIRST DAY in one year i DID NOT call him, no matter what he did. AND: NO, I dont like his reaction on not calling-that he tries now to come closer or calls me more ofte, I honestly DONT like it.

Patful84, I'm so glad you didn't call him! It's hard to get out of these relationships, especially if you love the person and they make you feel guilty. Don't let him get too close and observe how he treats you, just like you did. Hopefully this addiction will be gone when you see how repulsive his behavior is. If you feel ready to tell him to go away and leave you alone for ever, just do it, don't hesitate.
Can you tell your boss or someone else at work to help you so he won't bother you there any more?
Maybe if he shows up again you can ask for his key, or, better yet, change your locks and block his phone number too, when you are ready.
You achieved a victory now and you will leave him and his abuse behind.

Dear Jasmin, I am so grateful to have the possibility to come here to tell somebody what is going on. It really helps me to realize how bad he is treating me and how important it is to leave and to go to an expert to discuss my own behaviour.
I am ready to leave, but still I have no idea how to do it, particulary because I cant get assistance from banning him out of the office.
My boyfriend is working for this NGO as well and organises activities there, he can come and go whenever he wants. On the other hand my boss is not very supportive in relationships on the working place, we really have to keep our private lives away from our working place. He is not in any risk, he is working and organising there in his free time, but my MAIN job is there, I am employed.
That is why I cant escape him and he has a lot of power over me as well. Once I was trying to get another job abroad, I had a serious and well paid job offer, but my boyfriend send an Email to my future employer telling them lies about me and as a proof he sent picture, like, I really know this girl and here as a proof look at this....

Now writing this I cant believe that I continued with him, he said, he did that out of jealousy, he was suspecting me to have an interest in this empoyer - a lie and not true.

After spending time with him yesterday - I was observing him as I´ve told you in my last mail - I fell back into my old addiction. He asked me yesterday to take a day off today and go out with him. I agreed but asked him to give me a time-table to organise myself well. He said I shouldnt worry, he will tell me tomorrow morning. The result was that he called me around 1 to ask me where am I(Iwas in the supermarket close to my appartement), just to tell me he was at my house and didnt see me so he changed his plans and
goes somewhere to meet somebody and if I want we can meet exctly 7pm. He knows how hard it is for me to get a day off.
When I wanted to say something he shouted on me and off his phone. I got mad, I seriously got mad. I thought if I dont get help now he will have the right to call police for stalking him, I was ready to call him 1 million times - I DIDNT - instead I called a friend to follow me to a psychological emergeny service, something like a
crisis-intervention center.
The doctor precscribed me a drug against panic attacs and told me
that I should inform police and really be patient. I also got a number of a therapist and as well, the doctor told me NOT to be an open book to my boyfriend but just try to "slip" away slowly.
He called me to meet again 7- I STILL DONT call him again- and he met me, he looked really seriously ill, he was stressed, checked his time, just said, ok I have 30 minutes for you, then I have to leave. He blamed me, named me, shouted on me that we cant see in the next days, he is fed up, he needs to sleep somewhere tomorrow with somebody, wont be around and so on. I didnt argue but just agreed, anyway, instead of accepting my reaction, he changed, became nicer, stayed with me more than one hour, but to be honest: I just dont want to see him anymore. I dont want to hear anything from him again. I dont want even to observe him anymore. He is only cruel, and I dont want to know why.
I am so ready to tell him this, but I do fear what is going to happen then. I used the opportunity- as far as he said we cant see on Sunday - to tell him that I will be busy till Tuesday, so we may meet again on Wednesday. He had to accept this, but I am not sure what tomorrow will bring.
If I could only disappear for some time. But I cant, and I dont know what he will do next. I believe- the way he is - that he will talk about me in a very rude way to others or even talk to my boss, he´ll do that whether I leave or he does.
He is just like that. He cant go without putting me down or insulting me in my working place. I am sure of this.
Anyway, I will try my best and find a way out.
Thank you so much.

Patful, he is a horrible bully for treating you like this and being able to say such things about you. You don't deserve it. Why don't you try to talk to the police and see if someone can help you.
We have a forum for dependent personality disorder http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=216 maybe it can help somehow, because you feel addicted to him. You don't have a disorder, in my opinion, as you want to get away from him and you know that this is unhealthy for you.
The time when you will have to face him and tell him to leave you alone will come. It might get ugly, but you'll have to do it before he pulls you in even more and makes you more miserable.
Why don't you try talking to some friends about him and see if you can get them on your side. Maybe even some co-workers, but only people you're sure you can trust. When he snaps, you won't be alone and you'll have a little support.
You will always have this place.