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Renee,

Chucky is right; you don't deserve to be verbally abused. Often times an abuser "loves" the other person but then "hates" them to the same degree. They sometimes feel that the other person has "control" over them and that can be very threatening. The lashing out at the "loved" one is the abusers way of regaining his control.

Some people can overcome this fear they have and develop a mutually nurturing relationship. It isn't easy, but it does happen. Also please don't think that you can either love him enough so that he will change or that you are doing something to cause his anger.

Good luck with your decision,

This man is an abuser, make no mistake about that. Any behaviour that erodes away another person's self worth and confidence is abusive and violent (yes, there is verbal violence!). Your partner has anger issues and directs his self loathing onto you. He'll never admit he has a problem until he experiences a life crisis and is forced to address his demons. You can't help him with this, he has to acknowledge the rage of his own volition.
Angry people use verbal abuse to relieve their frustrations and sense of inadequacy . They don't know how to cope with life and have never cultivated the positive skills to manage it successfully. Maybe he came from an "angry, abusive household" and learned this behaviour from significant others.. eg. parents.

There is one main thing you need to remember when dealing with people like this:-

1) They are in denial about their actions and use this defence mechanism to prevent themselves from accepting responsibility! ADMITTING to being an abuser means they'd then have to look internally for the reasons, and implement strategies to change! Much too painful for them to contemplate! No-one likes to acknowledge their faults, particularly when they already suspect they're "worthless and bad". It's much easier to blame someone else, ("you MADE me angry) and ventilate uncomfortable, hateful feelings onto those closest, ("I hate you, you're a such and such....). The denial of his rage and self loathing means things stay the same, and enables him to feel OK about himself (at your expense!). It's his problem entirely and you're in no way to blame! That you even question your loveability indicates your self esteem is not what it should be. How dare this man use you as his emotional punching bag!! He can only continue to do it if you ALLOW it! Call his bluff, tell him to get help and MEAN IT! Otherwise, get ready to commit yourself to a lifetime of abuse and misery! This is only the beginning, and his rage will escalate over time.....remember, he doesn't know how to exert control over these feelings and he could easily become physically violent if you continue to accept his conduct. Personally, I'd place the responsibility back where it belongs and say "it's your problem, YOU deal with it....and don't contact me 'til it is". However, I might add that this type of "rehabilitation" can take many years, so whether you're willing to wait is the next question given that there are no guarantees of success! Love is NOT a noun....an "object", it's a verb...a "doing thing, an action". If he truly loves you and has your interests at heart (which is what love is all about) then he'll put his hand up and accept the challenge to work through this issue. If he won't, get out before YOU start getting angry with him (and justifiably so because you're being abused and don't deserve it).... because that's when things become really ugly. Perhaps you may wish to consult with a psychologist/counsellor to see why you're willing to tolerate such destructive behaviour. He has his issues and you have yours...but they must be dealt with individually before working on the relationship. Put the words "STOP" and "NO" back in your vocabulary....don't settle for less than respect and consideration from anyone!