questions that elicit anger

My bf often becomes angry and short if I ask questions about certain topics he rather not talk about.

For instance his mother has photos of my bf and his ex wife's wedding up. She used to have it in a corner, but she recently moved so it more in the center in a very focal spot. My bf and I have been together for long enough to be acknowledged. There are no pictures of him and I. The ex wife is abusive towards my bf and their daughter, hates my bf's mother. But even then she has a picture up.
I have asked him about it and told him that it bothers me and he just gets angry with me and he says he cannot tell his mother what to have on her wall.

He also gets angry if I ask about things that's a re-occuring, unresolved problems. Like a big issues. Not dirty socks and cleaning the toilet, bigger problems that affect our future. He gets angry. It's almost as if he is trying to make me stop to questioning because otherwise I have to deal with his anger. I feel that he is squelching my rights to question. He says he is agitated because I keep asking him the same questions.

Okay, I know what nagging is. I grew up with constant bi***ng an nagging on my mothers's part. She micro-managed EVERYTHING. So I try to not do that. But in the same time when someone is hurtful or crossing boundries I feel that I have to speak up against it. My bf is very passive towards others especially towards his ex and his mother. He will not ruffle any feathers, but in the same time they use him and emotionally kick him. He enables both of these women. He is their puppet and will do anything so these women do not scream at him. He cannot stand up against them and assert himself. He does things that are self defeating, and with that he is also jeopardizing the potential of our relationship because he is so emotionally involved with these vampires. I realize that it might sound like I am demonizing these women, but reality is that I have met them, approached them with an open mind, but all I see them is doing damage in people, and even their own children.

what I do not understand is why does my bf not get angry and yell at his ex and his mother? I know he gets very upset with them (lots of times for good reason, especially when his ex verbally abuses his daughter). He yells at me because I am safe. I will not abuse him.
It seems really unfair. He says he feels angry because I keep questioning him even though he is working on these problems. Although there is very little progress on his part he calls me impatient. He procrastinates on everthing until it's a crisis, then he srcambes to resolve it, but often gets himself into a bind. This applies to the problems he is supposedly is working on.


I try to tell him that he needs to put his, his childs and my needs as #1 before his ex's, but he is so scared of her that he will not do it. She threatens him with suicide on regular basis.


I am not nagging and trying to talk about things in the most calm, logical way. But you cannot avoid an pink elephant sitting infront of you.

After he gets angry, a bit later he admits that yes, there is a problem, apologizes about being angry, we will talk about it, but then it goes back to square one. I have told him that his initial anger reaction is hurtful because it instantly shuts off any avenues of communication, and without that we have no successful future.

It's like he understands it from a logical point of view, but he is not willing to stop it from happening again....

I feel really frustrated.

You wanna know what he sounds like? - He sounds like a 'mammy's boy', if you know what I mean; the type of person that always does what his mother tells him to, because he respects her opinion and loves her. Still, 'mammy's boys' are typically gentle and naive too, and that may be why his mother and ex use and abuse him without any fight back.

I don't know what else I can say really because it appears that you have tried a lot to get him to change things. I do imagine that he recognises that you are upset, but I think that he's just too scared to stand up to his ex and mother. He is probably used to having his mother do everything for him in the past too, which is possibly why he's not taking any actions with regard to the big issues that you and he face.

Oh bugger... ...I've said an awful lot here without too much evidence. If I am wrong by any of what I have said, please tell me.

Take care,
Kevin.

I agree, Chucky. Right on. He even admitted once that his mom did everything (cleaning wise and such) while she bossed him around. Now I have to remind him to do every little thing. He will do them eventually, but he needs to be reminded and then he procastinates. Or does a half ass job. Or if he does it well I am supposed to give him praise. Which I have done, but grown tired of. Really, do I expect a praise for cleaning the bathtub?I have told him that I do not like to be in this role of reminding him. He said if I wanted to have anything done, I should just ask. What's the problem with that.

I told him, there is nothing wrong with that if you are a teenager, but when you are 38 you should take iniative to do them on your own without reminder.

I even suspect emotional (not physical) incest by his mother. She says rather innapropriate and sexual things to him, almost behaves seductive with him. I know this sounds so weird...

But yeah he did not leave his mom's house until he was 23 and until then he was sort of substitute companion for her. Then he got together with his ex not much long after moving out of his mom, so he probably chose a woman much like his mother.

God, I really do not want to get further caught up in this f***ed up web of stuff. I need to heal myself, but I feel I cannot do it in this environment.

greenfig wrote:God, I really do not want to get further caught up in this f***ed up web of stuff. I need to heal myself, but I feel I cannot do it in this environment.

I understand what you mean - You don't feel like your home is a true 'home' anymore? It's a great shame when that happens because our home should be a place of refuge from the world. It's terrible when we have to share that home with someone who doesn't understand us or pull their own weight. Why on earth does his mother have the picture of his ex though? Was she fond of her or what? Did you ever comment on the picture to his mother? It seems very disrespectful to you, and your partner; but he should make it known that it's upsetting you.

... ...I really just don't understand why people can be so blatantly cruel at times, I really don't.

Kevin

Clearly his mother is trying to give you the hint....she wants her baby back, all to herself! She's a nasty, controlling, manipulative old cow and you need to read her the "riot act". Don't look to your b/f to come to the rescue, obviously he feels he has too much to lose by offending Mummy Dearest". Get a really beautiful photo of you and her son framed, then when next at her house ask her what it is about the pic of son & ex that she loves so much. She may say "oh he looks so handsome" or some such thing. You respond with "well, I have an even lovelier photo, much more recent and even better than the one you have on display......it's just a little token to let you know how much you mean to us". Then wait to see if Ex's pic disappears from view and yours has replaced it. If so....well done! If not....have it out with her. Tell her you find it offensive and very demeaning given that the ex no longer exists in his life. Call her bluff and confront her with a few questions, let her know you have her number eg. " What is your agenda? Why do you wish to disrespect me so flagrantly? Are you trying to give me a not-so-subtle message?". Tell her you feel very strongly about her actions, and say you will no longer attend her home as long as the pic holds pride of place over yours!! Mean it, and don't back down or you're setting the pace for your future relationship...not good! People respect and admire honesty.... they may not like it, but they know where they stand. If the b/f gets angry and goes into bat for Mumsy I'd seriously give some thought to whether you want to run second to her for the remainder of your partnership. Boy, she certainly has some hold over him! Classic text book "maternal jealousy"....sick and twisted! Your man needs to grow a spine to enable him to stand up and be counted, particularly in regard to demonstrating his loyalty and support for YOU! Time for the ultimatums I think...after all, doing it all the "reasonable" way hasn't been successful has it???????? Time to dig your heels in girl!