Question about sensitivity

I have always had problems with my mother and sometimes I feel like she was emotionally abusive to me. I am now 22, and when I was younger she would often call me an idiot or call me retarded even though I have always done well in school. She also mocked how I dressed and my weight constantly. Every time she would get angry, she would take it out on me by calling me names or just screaming at me. Recently she has wanted to talk to me about our relationship because we do not get along. I find it really difficult to maintain a relationship with her because she acts as though she has never done anything wrong and is a perfect parent. She is so difficult to talk to because whenever I confide something in her, she just throws it in my face whenever she is angry about something (even if I didn't cause her anger). I feel like she blames me for her failures in life (her and my father had a bad divorce and I think she feels like her entire married life was a complete waste of time).

My problem is that I am never able to articulate how I feel towards her because whenever we get in a conversation about it I just cry. I think there has to be something wrong with me because I can't even think about it without crying and I can't even force out a sentance about what I feel. Outside of this issue I never have a problem with sensitivity, infact most of my friends think I don't show enough feeling most of the time. I am a good debater and never have a problem with words except in this issue. I have tried writing down my feelings but it doesn't seem to help because whenever we talk about it I cry again. Does anyone know how I can get over this? I have gone to therapy and the same thing happens and it so embarrassing because I can't articulate even the most basic thoughts about my mother. Has this happened to anyone else?

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. My mother was verbally abusive to me at times as well as mentally abusive. I know that for a very long time I did not admit that it happened. When I got to be in my twenties, after my kids were born, I realized what had happened. It hurt me so bad because I loved my kids so much, I couldn't understand why she would do those things to me. I could not talk about it because of that. When I did try and talk about it I cried like a baby! It was like I was that hurt child again. The thing that finally brought it to my mother's attention was after my brother died she became very protective of me. She also was diagnosed with cancer and had to evaluate her life and things she had done. We got into a huge arguement one day and I started to cry and blurted everything out to her. After that we got close. She died about a year later from cancer. I think that if you don't confront your mother, when she leaves this world the opportunity to address this will be forever lost and you will always wish that you had said what needed to be said. Realize that you can't change her, but you can change the way she effects you. Something is missing inside her if she has to be abusive to someone she is supposed to love. Her words are just words...and only you can let them hurt you. Let her know that you love her but refuse to let her abuse you this way (throwing things in your face and using your words against you are abuse). You can set the rules and say...if you can't play nice then the communication will stop. You can also tell her to get therapy before you will have a relationship with her again. I had to break away from my mother for a while. I still loved her, I just couldn't have a relationship with her. The funny thing is now that I'm almost 50, I look back on her and her life and I feel sorry for her. She missed so much of the good things in life by creating distance from loved ones. Her family was kind of like her too. Sometimes I don' think she realized how awful she was at times. She asked forgiveness from me and I did forgive her. The sad thing is she had to be terminally ill to get to that point.
If you can't talk to your mom, you may want to write her a letter. Even if you don't send it you can at least get some of the pain out of your system. That is the most important thing. You can't heal her but you can heal yourself. So don't feel responsible for her. Don't feel responsible for anything that happened when you were a child. Children are innocent and should be protected. You were a kid and your mother should have been protecting you. Don't feel guilty about anything, you were just a bystander in the chaos of her life.
God bless you and hang in there!

Welcome to the forum, Silve!

You got some great advice from RidingTheTide.

People I know have said I also lack emotion. It's not true, it's just that I learned to cope with pain very young by not showing any emotion at all. Whether that's what's happened in your case, it seems that when you think about the causes of your pain you can't hold back any longer. I'm sorry you've suffered so much from your mother's words. Even a little abuse goes a long way, but it sounds like you had to deal with more than just a little. Name-calling and mocking you for your weight, etc., are classified as abuse, so is withholding affection or care and the use of guilt to manipulate, punish, or just vent toward you. Talking about what happened to you and how you feel affected by it is a great way to start recovery. You're always welcome to post here, and there will always be someone to listen.

silve, I can relate to a lot of what you said.

When I was younger, my mother used to emotionally abuse me often. She would call me stupid, swear at me, say she hated me and wished I was never born etc. It was horrible, so I have an idea of how you are feeling.

Why not send your mother an email explaining your thoughts and feelings? That way, you don't have to confront her straight away. Of course you might have to talk with her face to face about these issues, and you might cry - but the crying is obviously repressed feelings coming to the surface and no matter what you do, they are going to have to come out sooner or later.

You could even try sending her this topic via email. It would give her a better insight to what you are feeling since this topic is not addressed towards her. Of course, this is only an option, and I can understand if you don't want to do it.

I hope you manage to get things sorted out.

Hey guys,
Thanks for all your advice! I tried to write out what I wanted to say to her in advance so that I could say it all, and I ended up writing down some of the stuff that she said that made me so upset when I talked to her. Almost every time I talk to her she always brings up the issue that we don't get along very well, but at the same time she seems unwilling to resolve anything.
Mainly, whenever we have a conversation she always words things so that everything is my fault and she is completely blameless, and she always tries to trivialize how I feel or acts like I am just immature or petty for being hurt.
But the biggest thing is that she always sort of blackmail me into agreeing with her or at least ending the conversation by using money by saying oh well I paid for your living expenses in high school or something. Its not like I'm not grateful for that but it is so frustrating because I feel like I'm going to be stuck paying for that the rest of my life and I don't really know how we can ever get anywhere if every time she says that. I don't really know how to bring that up to her though because she is so touchy about money. What annoys me the most is that she makes a very good living and never has had any financial problems, so I feel like it is unfair for her to guilt me into giving her money when she doesn't have any need for it. Is it wrong for her to do that? I really wish that she could get over that because then we could maybe have a relationship, but every time we have a conversation she always uses money as her trump card and I really don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that.

Hi silve,

Next time your mother brings up supporting you through high school you need to remind her that parents are responsible for their children until adulthood, or in general, until they graduate high school.
I had to work a job through high school and I know it made me a responsible adult, however, I think I would have made better grades if I hadn't had to work and pay a majority of my living expenses. Mostly what I paid for was clothing. Then I was never at home so I paid for my food. Driving a car was a privilage and a luxury so paying for that was my responsibility.

You may have to agree to disagree on that part of the arguement. However, try to stay on the subject. Say "Mom, your approach towards me is hurtful whether you admit it or not. Your support with money has been much appreciated, however, it should not be used as a band-aid for your guilt or to try and make me feel guilty. What the problem here is that you say things that are degrading to me. You need to stop and think about how and what you say and the words that are coming out of your mouth. Then think if someone you love where saying the same things to you, how would it make you feel?" Try to get her to put herself in your shoes.

It may take several tries to do this. Also you may want to take a mini recorder and hide it somewhere so you can record what she says to you. Then play it back so she can hear herself. That may shock her into listening to you about the problem. Also as I said before, tell her to go to therapy! I don't know the stats on this but many people who are abusive have been abused themselves and need help. It's no excuse for being abusive, however, and it is unexceptable.

Good luck!