Emotionally abusive mother

Hi its Qnsgal again, thank you for the advice posts. I wanted to post an update after 3 years. Given the current economic downturn, I haven't been able to move out. I pay for everything for my mom, I live with her because no one else will support her. She was a single frustrated parent that raised myself (younger) and one older sister. My older sister moved out because she got married, a few years ago and although her marriage ended up in divorce (surprise, surprise My mother had 65% of fault because she kept butting in) now I have been living my abusive mother for almost a decade. Although the last time a fight/argument got physical was back in 2009, I still fight/argue every other day. I don't ask that she give me any money, because she doesn't work, but I pay for everything. After work, I cook and clean the apartment. I am her sole caregiver. I have now started to mention to her, that I would like to move out, she says "I raised you, you would have been out on the street had it not been for me." She tells me no matter what even if I was to have kids or get married, my responsibility with her is ABOVE ALL. I think ALL these years of living with her - has made her worse. My father a recovering alcoholic, he has been in recovery for 30 years, so she throws that into my face when she gets a chance, that he abandoned us. For years, I felt so lost because I couldn't understand why my father chose to do that. I tell her not to disrespect me by saying namecalling my father, she will say things like "you are just like your drunkin' father" - naturally that would hurt anyone. I have tried to speak with my sister about getting her her own place and we can split the cost of the rent. Recently (like today) she said she won't be able to pay for 1/2. I don't know what else to do. I really want to do the right thing, but my mother is a burden. Nobody can help me, I have asked her to seek help, maybe medication will help her. Since my sister's divorce, we haven't been able to move on with our lives, in terms of being in a relationship. All of my friends are married and they can't understand why I haven't been able to fall in love (The truth is she will drive the guy away, like she has in the past). I recently have discovered that I just want to be alone, I can't possibly be in a relationship because my relationship with my mother has been so awful, for me, I just want to move on with my life in my OWN home. I want to feel appreciated, respected and loved. My happiness is not living with my mother, even if I was to get married, she would always want to impose her will. She walks all over everyone. I don't tell my friends any of this because I am ashamed of living like this. Its incredibly painful to share this with anyone. I see no way out of this, I am even considering move out of state, just to get away from her. Just turn away and not look back. A few of my friends have said, you can't handle the financial (not knowing the emotional abuse) responsibility of your mother, your sister has to help you, but she says she can't. Something has to give, I just don't know how this will end.

Hun, my heart really goes out to you, living in this horrible situation. What your mother is doing to you is domestic violence. Domestic violence need not be physical. The scars that come from emotional abuse run just as deep.

It sounds as if you feel as if you are bound to your mother through a misguided sense of duty and guilt, whilst she herself has failed in her duties as a mother and feels no guilt herself. She does not deserve your duty and unwarranted guilt, and you do not owe them to her. A mother's "duty" is to raise her children with love, and equip them to grow into autonomous, independent adults, who will develop the skills to grow, to love themselves and to find their own way in the world, be allowed to have the freedom to make their own mistakes, feel no obligation to be "perfect" and to feel no obligation of misguided duty or guilt. Your mother has not done this, and in a sense has failed you.

You have every right to forge an independent life for yourself, to be your own person, and to discover your own sense of identity.

Is there a Women's Aid service or shelter in your area who can help you? Do not be put off seeking help from them because you are not living with a partner who has abused you. What you are suffering is domestic abuse, as it comes in many forms. They may be able to help you to remove yourself from this situation, and to provide you with some support.

When you feel ready, therapy can help you to regain your self esteem, to discover who you are and to learn to love yourself. Your mother has taken away a huge chunk of your life. Do not let her rob you of your future.

So you pay all the bills for your mother, I take it you work.

"I raised you, you would have been out on the street had it not been for me."

Yeah, that's her duty that what parents do! She should not expect you to 'owe' her for the rest of your life, that is sooo selfish.

I am even considering move out of state, just to get away from her. Just turn away and not look back.

I gonna sound hard now, but I think that's exactly what you should do, you are a grown up and you need a life of your own, you have done more than your fair share of looking after your mother time to move on and there is NO NEED to feel guilty.

PS I have sent you a message with details of domestic violence agencies in your area

I find it unfortunate that you are still living in the same household as your mother.

Are you now working? I am interested in how that nursing degree you were pursuing worked out for you.

Do you live in a house with your mother and if yes, who owns it? If she owns it, I would like to suggest that you move out and let her figure out how she is going to pay her own bills. She is an adult and just because she made bad choices throughout her life does not obligate you to pay the price of her mistakes.

Perhaps your situation is complicated by your name being on the lease or mortgage-in that case, you may need need professional advice on how to get her into a place that has her name on the lease so you have no legal ties to her & then you can move to a place that is yours.

It is time for you to seek a professional counselor that can give you support and guide you through getting out of this situation. You deserve to live your own life. When your mother tells you that you "owe her"- that is just her opinion, and is not necessarily morally right. You are now an adult and it is now your choice to decide what moral code you want to follow and of course, her opinion of what is 'morally right' is clouded by her need to manipulate you into stayng.

After years of dealing with emotional abuse brought on by my mother, since then, my mom has recently passed away, about a year and a half ago. Although the bruises are still there and I am going to therapy to undo the damage that has been bestowed upon me, it looks like it will be a long journey ahead of me.
My sister to help ease the pain, has moved in with me. But I hate to say the the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. For the most part, we get along, but recently, we have been at each other's throat. One of my therapist, has said because of the grief of our mom's passing that is how we are choosing to deal with it, however, after many sessions, with my second therapist (individual therapy). We have discovered through our sessions, that my late mother and sister are both narcissists. We decided to move in to deal with the pain and grief, but initially when my mom passed away, my sister acted like nothing happened (lack of empathy). She was solely focused and obsessed with a guy that she fell in love with. The first days of grief, I couldn't function, the pain was so unbearable, despite the fact that my mom was so emotionally abusive, I STUCK BY HER SIDE, no matter what. My regret is that I let my early 30's pass me by because my mom didn't see me as an individual, but more like a possession. She criticized me every chance she got, she yelled and picked fights with me, she was dominant, her "golden child" was my older sister. I'm not saying that I was innocent either, I fought back too. I gave into her fighting, night after night. I don't want to be a victim, I want to move on with my life. Throughout my time, living with my mother, I wasn't allowed to date. Her fear was that I would find someone and get married and move on with my life, she wasn't having that. Her selfish ways was all about her needs, not mine. I spent so much of my good energy arguing with her day in and day out. Now, with my sister, her narcissistic ways are becoming more evident that she is very similar to my late mother. She is very critical, likes to argue, wants to consume most of time over her new obsession, she wants undivided attention on her, if I don't give her that, she will get angry and put me down. Whenever, we argue, her punishment is the SILENT TREATMENT, my mom didn't do that.
I feel like I have been in an emotional prison that unfortunately I didn't have the courage to make it stop. My fear is that I continue living with my sister and the abuse cycle continues. My therapist is working with me on my self-esteem, how to manage my anger, how to deal with a narcissist and of course, the grief of losing my mother and upto to recently my little ray of sunshine, my Golden Retriever, that gave me a burst of energy to live through this pain, he passed away suddenly a month ago.
It's hard to accept that the people you love the most, can be the ones that hurt you the most. My therapist says that I was brought up in a dysfunctional family dynamic, but that there is hope for a better future for me. It's hard to remain hopeful.

At the end of the day it is up to us. As long as there is a tomorrow you can always work on it and hope it will be better.

Take care.

Your childhood sounds like a carbon copy of my own. I'm 66 years old now, and have had many years to gain insight into what it means to be raised by someone with Histrionic Personality Disorder. Too many years actually. The fact that you are here, is an indication that you are aware of this parent's mental status, which is a hell of a lot more information than I had at your age.

These people do things that can only be described as "evil." But they are not evil. They are damaged. Unfortunately, the damage they cause is severe and often irreversible. So many adult children of people with HPD remain at home longer than other young people, because they have not been properly prepared for adulthood, having been forced throughout their childhood on focusing their entire energy on their sick parent, instead of focusing on simply growing up and learning the skills necessary to navigate the real world.

HPD mutates as the sufferer becomes older. Younger women with the disorder are sexually provocative, seductive, attention gathering and can be incredibly cruel when their emotional needs aren't being met by their child. When they grow older and less capable of using their sexuality to create havoc in their marriage and in their home (my mother laid pornographic selfies of herself and her lovers on the coffee table when we were children). Then when menopause approaches, they turn into the "little mother," filled with worry and concern for their children whom they infantilize and guilt trip to the point of well, once again focusing all the attention of their adult children on themselves.

In any case, the damage these mothers can cause their children can be lethal. I know, as my own brother killed himself, as a direct result of having grown up being told all day, every day, what an awful human being he was, how stupid he was, how utterly repulsive and worthless, and growing up being under constant attack by this woman made it impossible for him to develop internal resources that would allow him to live a normal life. She also humiliated his father during their marriage, to the point where his father left the family and could never look him in the face again. So he had nothing. She took his father, so all he had was her, and she was pure toxicity.

My advice is to do whatever it takes to free yourself from your mother, and to have nothing whatsoever to do with her for as long as you live. Life is too wild and precious to give over to anyone, and having no ego boundaries and unable to recognize you as an individual separate from her own self, she will always be ready to ruin everything in your life that isn't focused on her -- your relationships, your children, everything. Do whatever it takes and get the Hell away from her.

She will not change. Personality disorders are too ingrained, too bred in the bone to be curable, and certainly not by a non professional psychiatrist such as yourself. GET OUT NOW and do not look back.

Good luck to you, miss. I wish you all the best in the world.

Thanks for that. People like labels and right now if someone is not "right", they label it as mental illness and want a label. Personality disorders like you describe are crippling to many who have the bad luck to be born into such families.

When my mother (94) was "difficult" in the nursing home they called the ambulance (should have called police). I tole the paramedic she had been admitted to a mental institution (for public safety) and he wanted to know the diagnosis. It was all personality disorders. He just could not get that it got her locked up. How much hatred and jealousy can one person contain and still function!!