Emotionally abusive mother

I am an adult 22 years old but right now I have no where else to go. soon I will be starting nursing school so I am trying to tough this out until i graduate.

my mother has been critical, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive towards me since I was around 11/12 years old. i remember in high school I hated when my mother had to take me to school. she literally would curse me out from the moment we backed out the driveway until she dropped me off at the school's front door. She'd criticize my room, my appearance, my clothes EVEYTHING, it's like she wouldn't stop. and then she would hit me. by the time i got to school i would be in tears because of all the verbal and physical abuse. she NEVER EVER cared or seemed to have remorse at all. if i were to mention this to her, she would get defensive deny it and accuse me of being sensitive and that whatever she said she was doing it for the best. to no surprise i was very, very depressed as a teen, a very sad young girl and even had suicidal thoughts.

Recently, there was an incident where out of nowhere my mother comes into my room and acuses me of not being normal. Some weekends when I don't work or have much to do, I like to relax in my robe and watch television. I don't always feel like going out. Well, she says that I am not normal, that most people would sit on the porch or the backporch instead of being in their room all day watching television.

Then she told me that I look like a slob in my robe and that if I wear it again she will rip it off of me and throw it away. She went to get a mirror and forced me to look at myself saying I look terrible. After that she preceeded to snatch the scarf off of my head that I protect hair with at night. She started hitting me and pulling it off. When I defended myself it got worse and she called me a 'b1tch' and that if I dare hit her back she'll knock me out and throw me out the house.

She is controlling of my life, she acts as if she is the one that is living it. Even in college, if I talk to her about something she will try to call the professor and discuss my grades with them. This is NOT her life I am too old for this. What 22 year old has their mom cal the professor about a reseach project or paper? She goes things like this in every aspect of my life.

She talks about the clothes that I wear, saying I am too old to be dressing like a teenager (tshirt and jeans). She tells me that I am not that young and I am pushing 30. she makes me feel so miserable. I cannot enjoy the moment, she is always reminding me that I am getting old. I never feel young at all.

What is it? Is it jealousy or what?? I don't understand why she is like this...why she is so physically and emotionally abusive. She tells me that I am the one that is not normal when really it's her. Whenever she gets into one of these modes where she feels like picking on me, if I respond to her it will make the situation worse. She gets illogical, emotional and abusive--telling me to shut up and listen. But if I don't speak that drives her crazy too


If I don't do something the way she wants me to do it, like clean a window the way she intructed, she'll say that I don't know how to follow directions and that means I will never be a nurse. If I forget something, no matter how trite, she'll account that to my inability to be a nurse saying that I will probably end up getting my license taken away from me for giving the wrong amount of medication to a patient, or I might end up in jail because I am careless.

just when I am trying to grow into myself and accept me fo rthe person I am, it's like she knows when to destroy my spirit. seriously, she makes me miserable now/ how do i cople??

Hey, Danity! I'm sorry your mother treats you this way. She is wrong to be so mean and abusive and no one deserves to be treated like this, no matter what their age is.
You don't have to think about what reasons she has to behave this way. She does it becouse she chooses to do it and she is responsible for her actions. Maybe she was abused as a kid too but she has no right to do it to someone else.
Can you try to come up with a plan to get out of there? Try to stay away from her as much as you can and stand up to her if it's possible. It must be almost impossible to put up with all this.

The only way out is once I graduate from nursing school and become a nurse which will give me a better life outside this hellhole I am living in.

i think she likes to make me miserable. truly i do. i don't know why.

I don't know why either. I think most of us can't really see into an abuser's mind, becouse we're not like them. But we have to be sure that we won't treat people the way they treated us, later on. Some people are broken, but they still choose to behave in a certain way. This is not your fault.

Your mother treats you like this because she can! It's all about her and is no reflection of your worth as a person. This is totally abnormal, dysfunctional behaviour and she is misdirecting her frustration and anger towards you because at this point you are her "captive" and have nowhere else to go! I'll bet she doesn't behave this way towards others....of course not, she feels safest with you! Honestly, she won't change unless she "fesses up" and that's not very likely is it?? She gets something out of this bad conduct and it's not your problem to find out what it is...it's sufficient to know that she's in the wrong and that it's completely unacceptable in ANY circumstances. I have no doubt there is more than just an element of jealousy attached here, but you aren't responsible for her feelings....nor can you fix them. If you can't leave, try very hard not to engage with her in any of this defeating behaviour. When she starts, just hold your hand up and say "speak to the hand, cos the ears ain't listening"!! and refuse to react. Calmly voice your feelings and say what you mean eg. "I don't deserve this abuse, and I want it to stop. Until it does, I'm refusing to acknowledge you". Switch the ears off and go into "tune-out mode". Don't take anything she says to heart...she's a tormented lady who is using you as her whipping post. If you don't engage with her, it's a one sided party isn't it.....and not much fun when people refuse to "play the game" eh?? I'm a nurse and I come across all sorts of abusive people in my job, but it's not my problem and I don't have to tolerate it. I WON'T wear other people's psychological attacks, and I let them know it very diplomatically, but firmly. If they don't get the reaction, they soon stop but since this is your mother and you're stuck with her it'll be more difficult for you to stay detached. Do not lose sight of your goals no matter how worthless she would have you believe you are. Just bide your time and go ahead with your nursing....do it for yourself, be proud of your achievements and if she can't share them with you it's her loss. At all costs maintain your dignity and mentally keep putting the onus back on Mother....after all, she creates the chaos so she needs to feel the consequences of her actions....which I hope will be your total emotional withdrawal until you can make your escape! Warn her that if she persists with the physical violence you will lay ASSAULT charges with the police...it's illegal you know to touch someone without their consent!!!! Don't threaten, do it and let her see you mean business. It HAS GOT TO STOP right now, but only you can enforce it. Good Luck!

Hi,

Sorry to hear you must deal with this type of emotional torture.

Here is what I applied with my parents, in similar situations:

It is called a " broken record" technique:

The point is to repeat to her , as many times as possible, the message you want to send across, e.g.

" I am an adult and can take a good care of myself without your interference" or

" Even though you are my mother, you have no right to tell me how to organize my life "

whatever phrase you choose to pass on, the main idea is to repeat it endlessly, every time she " attacks" you, ideally always in the same phrasal form, so that you drive her crazy, like a broken record ( this psyh technique is used a lot in the ads/marketing).

try it out, and bear in mind one thing : if you relent just once, and don't respond in this way, it will not be efficient, and you won't see desirable results. It is a chain of broken record responses on your part that will make you see positive results.

it worked out nicely with my parents.




Good luck.[/b]

I have a similar situation to the one mentioned above. I am a 29 year old living with my mother, I currently financially support my mother because she has limited economic resources. After I graduated from college, I knew that I had to help her out, so I moved back home. My living situation is so stressful. My mother is a single parent, who divorced my father and has been depressed for years. Everyday that goes by she picks a fight with me, she calls me hurtful names, yells and causes so much stress to my life. I have tried talking to her about her behavior and why is like that. The only thing I have tried to do - is help her financially. But how much can a person take? I have had a very hard time dealing with this and have asked some family members to help me talk to her about her abusive ways. She takes me for granted and walks all over me. My family says that they know she is impossible to deal with and don't want to get involved. Our fights are slowly starting to become physical, recently I engaged in an argument with her where I needed to defend myself and she pushed me to the floor. I had to go to work with scratches on my neck and a lower back pain. I can't deal with her emotional distress, every time she gets to put me down she does. She says that I cause myself to not have successful relationships, but the reality is that I don't speak to others about my household problems...let alone let someone else witness my mom's anger. I sometimes don't know where I get the energy to get up and go to work. When I arrive to work, I just disguise my pain that I go through everyday. I have tried to tell her that she needs to move out and I will help fund her living space and she refuses.
Does anyone have helpful advice or perhaps books on how to cope with this kind of abusive behavior brought on by parents?

Hi, qnsgal97! Would it be possible for you to move out instead? The way your mom is treating you is unfair and I don't know if she'd stop on her own. Maybe you need to take matters into your own hands.

I did not have physical abuse, but verbal, and wished to contribute because my mother always called me too sensitive too, and still believes this. Just to reassure you, it is NOT you being too sensitive!

You inspired me to join this forum, Danity. I came here feeling for all the world like I was the only one, although having to assume logically that I was not. Here you are, around my age and having a similar problem with your mother (mine isn't physically abusive anymore, although she was when I was younger.)

I can't offer you any advice, I came here to get my own, all I know is that I hope for the best for you, just as I do for myself.