Hi I'm new and need some help - what is this? Long Post

Hi all.

Facts: I am a newbie. I am a 40 yo male. In the process of separating after a two year relationship with a 34 yo female. There are no children involved. We live together, are currently living together - but separate lives for 2.5 weeks. She is in counseling, I am in counseling. She is a veteran of psychoanalysis, I am relatively new to it. I have gone sporadically but never continued for more than a few months. Ideally I would like to find a more Eastern approach but have not been successful. We are - as we are breaking up - at critical mass. There is no salvaging the relationship. And that's as fine as it can be given that it is the parting with one I love / have loved for two years. I want to be happy and I want her to be happy.

Background: Here is how I came to this board. A few weeks ago, I posted a thread on a relationship board. I wanted to find out if I was missing something in this relationship. She has a male friend that I just can't seem to get past. There are a few other things that I take issue with in our lives, but this friend specifically...I just can't get over. Other friends no problem. This one is her ex-husband. And The relationship seems to be continuing minus the sex and living together. They are commingled financially in a few ways and this just bothers me. There are other emotional things I do not like either. Again, I don't care that she has friends, I am just uncomfortable with this one.

Just in the last few days...In posting a series of things about this situation, I stopped blaming her...and focussed in on the fact that the only person I can change is me. My role in this situation...I came into the hard reality that I am verbally abusive, passive aggressive. Not only with her but with others in my life as well.

Here is my pattern:
1. Establish a good rapor.
2. Go along with things - even those I do not agree with.
3. Reach a 'breaking' point where I can no longer 'pretend that everything is o.k.
4. Lash out at the other person(s). (This usually happens later - when the original issue appears to be resolved for the other party(ies)).
5. Feel rotten and guilty for having lashed out.
6. Usually give in and just let the other person have their way - discounting my own feelings - because I deserve what I get - because I feel guilty from lashing out.
7. Feel taken advantage of because I gave in.
8. Build more resentment about the subject because it really wasn't resolved.
9. This creates an environment where the other party(ies) do not want to talk about anything sensitive...because of my past reactions.
10. This seems to dismantle communication and intimacy while breeding contempt and resentment.

I need to mention, that this pattern can happen at any time I am confronted with something I find objectionable. I try to discuss...get nowhere and well of into manipulation and verbal abuse land.

Here is some more information from the other board:
This is not the first time I pushed someone away from me like this. Nor the first time that I tried to manipulate circumstances to get what I wanted, to the point of verbally 'violating' another. I am really scared. I am scared with the friends I have left. Like when am I going to say 'enough is enough' with them. And start to say or do mean things to them. I have in small ways. They have called me on it immediately...and it is resolved rather quickly. They seem to have endless reserves of patience and love for me...and I ask myself am I capable of the same? Sure I am your man in a crisis...when the chips are down...I'll go into hock if I have to to help you out...but do I posses an inexhaustible supply of unconditional love on a consistent basis in kind? They say it doesn't matter, they just like who I am crisis or not. But I worry, when will my kiniving brain map a way around that and wait for the right moment to snap. It hasn't happened in the 20 years I knew these people, but I have changed...I feel like I am a different person. Weary, leary...I feel a bit like a ferile dog. My friends extend their hand I sniff and proceed...but when will I bite that hand. When I have nipped it in the past it was dealt with immediately as above. But when will I bite so hard that they will no longer want to extend it. I really don't set out to hurt anyone, they say that is why my nips are no big deal. because they know I have no malicious intent. But I do hurt others. And I want to stop.

This happened with a relationship I had about 5 years ago. She said I just kept pushing until there was no trust left. A friendship of just a year...and with friends of 20+ years. 'I don't even know who you are anymore' is a common thread. One could say...well then good riddens to bad rubbish, if it just happened every so often. But I look for patterns. And here one is. I can only do this for so long until...I fear I will wake up and find theres no more 'bad rubbish' rationalizing left and I have alienated everyone. So, I look at my own behavior.

I need to learn how to not be such a moldable piece of protoplasm at the outset, and tell people when I am frustrated or offended by their actions immediately. And when they get offended at my boundry setting...I guess I need to not take that so personally, and be a bigger person about it. I go in to something with my generally unspoken, maliable boundries being crossed and mocked...and do nothing about it but wait. I wait and 'do' something to the other person to illustrate how they crossed my uncommunicated boundry. I feel like I should say something when I feel violated...but there I stand deer in the headlights...secretly steaming....waiting to point out 'you did this to me...so why shouldnt I do this to you' - at some point in the future when the issue is a non-issue. And basically just give thier mocking etc back to them. I don't want to continue to operate on such a petty level.

I am afraid to confront the situation head on, so instead wait until I feel it apropriate and lash out. This is not good. This is what has been happening in this relationship...and what has happened in the others I mentioned. Like a ferile dog with a bone I am. I wont stop until I am satisfied with the outcome. Key word I. There is little room for compromise. I should have been a lawyer.
END POST FROM OTHER BOARD

This has gotten so bad, that I do not seek out new relationships with others. I am afraid that I will just hurt them and generally just keep new people I meet at a long arms length.

This issue really began to come to a point of no return for me about two years ago when I got involved with my now (splitting - up) girlfirend. Where I lost friends I had known for a number of years.

I have two counseling appointments on Monday. One specializes in abuse. I plan on taking the summary of things I discovered about how I push people away and verbally abuse them to both appointments. We both go at it. She and I. She hands out as much as I do. So I am trying to come to terms with my role in perpetuating the cycle and breaking it. But I feel lost. I want a name to research. I want to learn and attack my issue. The one where I have self talk that says..."well I did this now you should be doing this...but youre not...so I'm going to lash out at you verbally".

Any help or comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

You say you are okay with all of her friends but you don't like her continuing with her ex-husband. Anybody with a brain would support you there. If she wants to be with him you should have dropped her the moment you realized that.

As for all the touchy feely #######4... maybe you are just picking the wrong people as friends. If a squirrel tries to be friends with a hawk then it won't work.