what is the abuser thinking?

Thanks plicketycat. What you have written is pretty interesting to me. Thanks for recognising the importance of the way that he used my fears and previous problems against me. Since I left the relationship I have worried about what would have happened to me or what I would have become if I had stayed. I sometimes had the sense that the kind things that he did for me were done in a calculated way and not for their own sake, as opposed to the things that I did for him which were just to see him happy, if that makes sense. And I did have the feeling that you write about that "I really have to try and be a better partner to him". Thanks for the things you wrote.

Hey, bluegrey! I hope you're feeling well

thanks.

i met him for lunch the other day and it is the first time i have seen him since we broke up, it was OK. from what i can tell although he said that he understands why i reacted in the way that i did (losing grip) he is basically in terms of personality as selfish and controlling as ever. and i saw those character traits in ways that i hadn't noticed them when we were together, even under the gloss of personal consideration he puts over those things. i felt sorry for him.

otherwise i'm vacillating between grief and relief. it's been 2 1/2 months since i dumped him but i still find myself bursting into tears at unpredictable times and in public. but the moodswings are gradually happening less often and with less intensity. i'm accepting that there will be moodswings for now but looking forward to the end of them. i'm just taking care of myself, taking my medication and getting lots of rest and exercise.

thanks again jasmin and hope you are well too.

I am well, thank you! You have mood swings becouse of everything he put you through. You're right, it will get better. Try not to see him for a long time, becouse it may trigger you. It's a shame he can't even realise what he's done and try to change.

Welcome.

You've been on a roller coaster.

I think the busting into tears is PTSD, personally. It happens sometimes to me when I even think about the abuse or the perpetrator. It's like I re-traumatize myself. No fun.

It's like...trauma to be around someone that's verbally abusive. But it's also like trauma to be around someone that is really controlling.

My hats off to you for getting away and I hope you get some more understanding help. You're in the right place here to start.

Sometimes controllers have had someone in their past, like infancy onwards, that really controlled 'them'. But to get an admission like that out of a controller is like pulling teeth.

Personally I would spend less time on thinking about the abuser. You must think about your own health - but I know how hard it is and I understand the 'want' to understand the abuser. Maybe if you can minimize that time you might like the feeling, maybe not - I only know I did, but I don't know what's necessarily right for you.

Something I never considered about myself after some controlling and verbal abuse, was how it affected my decisionmaking. I couldn't decide - strangest thing. I am on a good track now though.

Best of luck.

I have a "friend" exactly like that, he doesnt understand that I allowed him to be like that because I didnt care.
However I am going to cut yhe connection, do the same.
Just change and demands things untill he dissappear.

we are abusers.e
We are talking people into pieces and we can't sense their innocence/guilt and we are brutally honest.

This is hypocracy.

Everyone of us are the same as the professor who search for a 14 year old student just to demonstate our intellectual superiority as revange for not having enought sex.