Verbal Abuse unjustified

I am hoping that someone could help me make some sense out of anger that seems unjustified.

How can a person be angry at another person when they don't even speak to each other? Is it healthy for an adult to hang on to anger for over 5 years?

My daughter and her ex have a child together, her ex only calls when it is time to make arrangements for his son to be picked up. He never asks about him, he never calls to talk to him between visits, he never inquires about his school work, his friends, or other activities. He just acts like he does not care. The parental grandmother on the other hand is way too involved. Because of a minor disagreement about visitation (and I mean very minor) her ex is accusing her of medical neglect. His mother holds a POA on him and his mother signed the petition. My daughter barely ever sees her sons father, when she tries to get a hold of him concerning the child, he won't return phone calls or discuss anything where the child is concerned. Part of the court order was a mediation process, they went thru mediation and he walked in the room angry, and did nothing but verbally abuse my daughter, nothing he said was making any sense.

My question is how can a person still be so angry with another when they don't even speak to each other? We are certain that his mother made him angry before mediation and he took it out on my daughter but it seemed unjustified. He was telling my daughter that she shouldn't do this or that, but not about the child about herself. They have been separated (never married) for over 5 years and he is still angry, it does not make sense and seems extreme for the situation.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Hi, SouthernLady, and welcome.
I think you might be right, he could be angry becouse of other things, like his mother, and then he takes it out on your daughter. His behavior regarding his son is neglect, pure and simple. He can't ignore his child's needs and then expect your daughter to be perfect. Maybe he's even angry at himself becouse he is not perfect and he neglects the child, but that is no excuse.
Some people can hold on to anger for a long time, but they can also take it out on the wrong person.

Hi southernlady,

It may be helpful to regard your ex son-in-law (SIL) as exercising power over your daughter as opposed to it being purely anger.

Sure, it may have started off as anger, but like you recognise it's now out of proportion and inappropriate to the circumstances.

Abusers in relationships will often continue that abuse even years after the separation has occurred. Abusers also often use the children as one of their tools for power over their partner, this is why you see his insistence on maintaining access and contact rights but being neglectful while he has your grandson and also his lack of asking questions as to his sons welfare. To him it's not about having quality time with his son (an inkling of it may be) but his prime motivator is to exact revenge or something similiar on his ex partner, your daughter, which is motivated by his need to feel superior and in control.

This is not a nice situation to be in for all concerned, particularly the child.

I'm currently reading an excellent book called Creative Parenting After Separation by Elizabeth Seddon. It's an Australian Publication, so I'm not sure if it's available elsewhere, but I'm sure an enquiry at your local library you will find a similiar publication that covers all aspects about co-parenting after separation. The book should cover a myriad of relationship issues and why people act as they do when they separate. What really are their prime motivators for keeping the separation full of conflict as opposed to recognising their roles as co-parent and working in the best interests of their child? You should be able to gain some insight into the dynamics of ex SIL which will help everyone concerned make some decisions on how to proceed. I'd imagine that things never improve your family will locked in this battle of wills until the grandson is all grown up and emerges an angry young man with damaged relationships with his father and possible other members of his family.

It may be possible to convince your ex SIL, somehow, to realise that his actions are detrimental to his son, if he cares enough, he may agree to go to some counselling that specialises in men who feel the need to control. Don't be surprised that his family dynamics with his mother contributes to his current abusive behaviour.

I hope this has helped somewhat, and if you have some more questions please feel free to ask.

Cheers
Lynn

I don't see this as a very healthy pattern to be in. My daughter has moved on with her life and has not asked him for anything. He is the one that keeps taking her back to court, we know for a fact that it isn't him, it is his mother. There are so many times when there has been an issue with the child that my daughter and her ex have agreed to this or that, and then he goes and tells his mother and he calls back with a change of mind, because Mom didn't like what he decided. His mother is very controlling and will go to any lengths to get what she wants. That is the concern my daughter has, what will she do next if she can't win in court this time? They have no proof to the allegations, they lie about everything and his mother has even set my daughter up for contempt when there wasn't any contempt. The ex's mother has no respect for my daughter as my grandson mother, she wants control over my daughter and she will fabricate anything to continue to gain attention for herself. I can imagine that it does make my grandson father angry, but what I can't figure out is why would he continue to live this way. The paternal grandmother has both of her grown children still living at home and neither of them have children full time.

My grandson has a little brother and her ex seriously beleives that separating them will do them no tramatic harm, it concerns me that he could teach my grandson that cold and callious thinking. For now my grandson is not around his father that much, so the damage for the moment is minimunal, but we have recognized behavior in my grandson when he comes back from his time with his dad and grandmother as bullying behavior. This kind of behavior is not tolearted at school or at my daughters home and it will cause him problems in time.

Thank you for welcoming me to the board, I will continue to read as much as I can and hope that we can take whatever measures we can to protect my grandson from their callous behavior.

you've changed the goal posts a little bit. I thought initially it was about his anger, but your 2nd post explains it's more about his mother's manipulation of the situation for her own agenda that is the motivating factor behind his actions. That tends to make it a bit awkward or confusing as to which direction you really need some advice on, however, that book I mention also covers the actions of grandparents and the dynamics that happen in family groups upon a separation.