Those that shines is not gold

I met him on Tinder. I was probably in the lowest point of my life: lonely, heartbroken, grieving after loss of a baby, going through hormonal changes, mental and physical health problems, insecurity and possibly of losing home, job, friends due to recent Brexit referendum.
His profile was friendly, he mentioned that he likes to dance, read, he studied psychology and works as a massage therapist. His selection of pictures had something for every woman, just pick and choose: him with a baby (good with kids), with a dog (likes animals), playing guitar (sensitive, creative, romantic), in his therapy room (professional, sensual, caring, has a job), pulling silly faces (a sense of humour), driving a car (responsible, in control). I mean is there anything missing? We arranged a first date. He was attentive, generous, well presented, well spoken, interested in ALL that I had to say (I was down and boring) complimented me on my style (I was wearing a tracksuit) my mind (I was a mess and had a migraine) my body ( I have a poor posture, had a big belly after recent pregnancy). Quite frankly I didn’t fancy him that much but he was so charming that it was easy and pleasant to be around him and I felt safe like with a brother. I noticed that he was very inquisitive about me but wouldn’t say anything about himself. I thought: strange but maybe as a psychologist, a therapist it is his way of interacting with people, maybe he is just SO empathetic and selfless.
My friends were performing that night in the pub nearby and we went to see them playing; he got along with my friends, he liked the music and he said that it was a place he had in mind for our date, what a coincident, we must be in sync with each other somehow! (I hate pubs and actually it was completely not his style neither). Gradually he started to decrease the physical distance between us. First little touch on the back, then suggesting we find a more comfortable place, on the sofa, where he moved closer and closer and by the end of the evening we were leaning against each other while he was telling me how he is different from other men because he adores cuddles but sex he reserves only for a special woman. He walked me back to the station and made me promise that I call him to let him know that I got home safely. A reason to exchange our telephone numbers.
I did text him letting him know that I enjoyed his company and he texted back inviting me for a coffee on weekend. We met again, he let me choose a place, we went to my favourite restaurant. I felt relaxed, the food was good and there was live music. Suddenly he started to kiss me. He was very confident but somehow I felt like he didn’t take to consideration if I wanted it. Never mind. I walked him back to the station and we arranged the third date.
The kiss created more intimacy between us and when we met next time we started to kiss straight away. In a very overdrawn manner he was telling me that he never felt like that before, he is not sure what got over him but he cannot resist me, etc. I was in a very bad moment in my life. Very recently I lost a baby, I was in an emotional and physical mess. I am alone in this country, I was lost and lonely, I had nobody to share my feelings of loss, grief, death, hurt, postnatal depression. All the issues from my past, child abuse, years of living in anxiety and isolation, abandonment issues came up to the surface and I broke down in front of him telling him all my hurts. He reassured me that I am safe with him, that he cares, that he is there for me. I begged him not to play with my feelings, if he wants sex that’s ok, I am an adult and I enjoy a physical intimacy too but I am too vulnerable now to be hurt again , so I want to know where I stand. He looked deeply into my eyes and promised me it is real.
He told me how trauma is stored in the body tissue and how he can relief this trauma and my migraines through the therapeutic massage. The massage turned more and more erotic and we ended up in bed.
Next day I was going abroad to visit my family. He texted me every day declaring his dedication and interest in me. I has planning to stay for the whole summer with my family but his messages suggested that I should come back if I feel serious about being with him. He told me about his last girlfriend that he really liked and how he adored her and her kids but because she lived in France he decided to end the relationship because he needs someone close to him, to share his daily life with someone.
I felt something was off about this guy but I thought if I won’t try I will not know. Maybe this is my dream coming true. (well, it was a nightmare).
I come from a broken family, it is my biggest complex and my biggest desire to have a functional, happy family. His parents were visiting him in London and he proposed that I meet them. He told me about how happy and close they are and I started to dream that maybe I can be a part of it too. I was alarmed by the speed of the events that were taking place but intoxicated by it, hypnotized by the brilliance of the lights shined into my eyes.
I cannot believe my naivety now, but I abandoned my own family, I didn’t attend my niece’s communion because I came back to London to him!
I let down myself, my friend, my family.
The moment I was back he didn’t show much interest in me. I noticed discrepancy between his words and behaviour. His eyes were cold and calculated. My friends warned me that everything about him seems to be about control: from his home to his actions, every world is carefully selected, every item in his house planned and placed strategically. I noticed some books in his house on the subject of mind control. He showed me his work, his house, his car, his persona, all super clean, with no trace of dust on it, all apart his personality.
I felt I can’t grasp his character, all was too perfect. I tried to provoke him, I was acting and saying stupid things just to see his reaction but he always kept his poker face and patronising smile. I asked him to tell me one thing that he is ashamed of, one wrong thing that he has done in his life, something that would make him more human in my eyes, but guess what…. in 47 years of his life he’d done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong! He could not remember such thing.
I asked him about his previous relationship and he got a bit more animated telling me that he had woman from almost every country and he was never dumped. Never. He always leave them. I knew then I will not be any different. He is a player and women are his game, one after the other just feeding his ego. I was waiting for the whole thing to drop at any moment from then on but it felt stupid to leave this amazing “love” when you actually don’t have an evidence that it is a fraud. I had a gut instinct, suspicion but not hard evidence.
Just like with any other thief, you can’t do anything until you see them walking out with your goods. So I stayed and waited. It didn’t take long. I told him I don’t want to sleep with him, I proposed we get to know each other first.
For a guy that likes cuddles and doesn’t care about sex he got pretty annoyed and when I refused the second time he threw me out of his house in the middle of the night with no means for me to get back to my home. I was alone at night, hurt and humiliated. Before he threw me out he used all the information previously collected (when he was so attentive and understanding) to hurt me. He told me that I am crazy and he wants emotionally stable woman (I was struggling with PND and PTSD), that he wants to have his own biological children (I was grieving loss of my child and going through the beginning of the menopause) that I don’t add anything to his life ( I was buying him gifts, he gave me genital warts) , that his ex girlfriend was more fit and into yoga (I had a big belly after pregnancy), he was mocking mistakes that I made in English (it is my second language), and although he was previously declaring his ongoing friendship, now he doesn’t want me in his life because he wants to open space for a special woman that deserves him (not me obviously) and he will completely dedicate himself to her and will create a perfect family (I can’t reach this perfection) … He made sure I feel worthless and humiliated, that he will present himself as the ideal guy, build me up and push down. The higher the pedestal the bigger the fall.
He did it in a very subtle way , I was not sure if he is caring for me or abusing me, if he wants to hurt or protect me. I can’t explain it clearly but everything about him was somehow an appearance, good and bad.
When I walked into his house I felt very frightened, like I was entering some sacrificial place where I will be drugged and killed. I think in a metaphorical way, psychological way, that’s what he was doing.
He works as a therapist I thought he must be right, trustworthy. I didn’t know him well so why do I feel so strong about him? Why can I not thinking about what happened? And what actually happened? I don’t know.
Was is an emotional abuse or just bad dating experience? Am I oversensitive, crazy as he claimed? If so why don’t I act like that with other guys?
He said that I jumped into this relationship too fast, but it was him overwhelming me with affection that I was not ready for. I know that many emotional abusers are not aware of the harm they cause but he studied psychology so I presume he does it intentionally. If he didn’t mean it, still he made me feel like a maid, good to seduce and screw but not to have a relationship with.

so.. showered you with attention.. made you feel like you were the most lovely person in the world and he really wanted you.. then he slammed you into the ground and made you feel like crap.. ?

yep.. he knew what he was doing - and your intuition is spot on, so please don't doubt what you know to be true.

You'll get through this - and you are good enough, loveable enough, and worthy enough - keep talking, we get it xx