Could use some help

I posted this in another section of the site but then I found this section, and I think it will do better here...

I am wondering if this is considered abuse. I can tell all ready that once I start talking about it, its all gonna come flooding out, so this will probably be a pretty long post. Sorry in advance.

Basically, a little back story. Im 17 years old, a girl. My parents got divorced about 5 years ago. My mom had been cheating on my father for several years, and has since then married one of her boyfriends.

Anyway, this has been going on for several years, and has worsened dramatically the past few years after my parents split. I never really thought of any of it as abuse until recently. I let it slip to a friend when I was really worked up one day, and he said "wow, thats not right," and it got me thinking.

I dont know really where to start.

Basically, she says some not so nice things to me. A lot. Usually, I do something to mess up or something, and it triggers it. For instance, if I get a bad grade on my report card, she'll call me into her room for 'a talk', and close the door. I'll sit on the bed, and she starts talking. It usually starts out all right enough, but then starts to escalade. If we are dealing with grades, then she will usually tell me that I am acting stupid, and that I shouldnt be getting that low of a grade. And when SHE was in school she was doing so much better than I was. etc

The smallest thing can start one of these talks. During these talks I have been called stupid, a failure. On several occasions she calls me a bitch and tells me that I am a "Horrible, horrible person." She brings up my weight often now. I used to be 135 pounds, very in shape. I play a lot of sports. Last year I messed up my knee bad in soccer and I had surgery in May of last year. Since then I have gained 15 pounds. So now Im 5'7, 150 pounds. I dont think Im incredibly overweight, but yet she tells me, "you have been gaining a LOT of weight," or "your getting fat."

This all messes me up, because then after these talks, I walk around for days thinking that I really am a horrible person. I get depressed, and I dont know what to do about it.

Ive ended up being very antisocial. I dont want to be, I would like to go out with my friends. But getting out of the house has become a challenge for me. If I even ask to go to a movie one afternoon, I get "You can go to the movies, if you clean up the entire family room." I am hardly ever allowed out of the house. Im 17 years old, and I havent been able to be a teenager.

This was all bad, but it has gotten even WORSE. I started playing paintball with my father a few years ago. My mother HATES this because I am gone for whole weekends at a time with him. She does everything in her power to get me not to go. Everytime, about a week before a game she starts threatening, "if you dont do this, you cant go. If you dont do that, you cant go" etc.

For a few examples, just yesterday, hell broke loose. My grandmother is supposed to come over today, and my mother wanted the house clean. My little sister and I cleaned all week. My father wanted to take us to a baseball game. We told my mother and she responded with, "What, so your just going to LEAVE me? Leave me to clean the rest of the house by myself?" and we were like, uhh, mom we'll be back in a couple hours. We're just going to a game, to which we got, "Just go then, get the F&*% out of my house, go, get out!" My father came to pick us up, and as Im on the way out, I hear my mother on the phone with him saying, "I dont know what they've told you, but I told them they couldnt go. They were supposed to have cleaned all this week and they didnt. Next time talk to me and not them because they are filthy LIARS."

We had cleaned the whole those this week, it was all done.

Im afraid to have friends over anymore. I had a friend over once, she came over to help set up for my little sisters birthday party. It ended up horribly. The stress got to my mother and she ended up screaming at me for about an hour. it was so bad I took my friend outside because I didnt want her in the house with her.

One more thing, my mother IS pretty messed up, Ill give her that. She has a lot of knee problems and back problems. But in my view, she has no right to blame it on us. A lot of the time, she will hurt herself and then tell us, "if you had done this like I told you to, I wouldnt have hurt myself." "I might have to go to the hospital because of you," or even "you are gonna put me in the hospital. its all your fault."

Even at one point, there was a huge dispute between the whole family. I was talking to her and she said, "you have been a bitch lately, and this whole thing started because of you. its your fault."

She even said to me the other day, "Its not just me. Jim (my stepfather) thinks so too. Even your father said you were a bitch"

It has gotten to the point where I have given up trying to go out with my friends. I stay in my room all day, talking to them on the computer or phone. And then later on I get from her "all you do is sit in your room all damned day"

I cant wait to go off to college next year. But I have just been wondering, is this abuse? Or just normal parental discipline that I am overreacting to?

Sorry for this wall of text, btw. Ive never really told anyone, except for that one friend I mentioned earlier, so it felt good to get everything out there.

MeghanLynn


This is Abuse!! Emotional abuse from your mother and step father... I'm sorry to hear that you live in that kind of a situation and hope that you can get out. How is your relationship with you dad? Have you asked to move in with him? Have you told your dad how they are treating you and your sister?

I know you stated that you were going to go to college next year but my advice would be to try and get away from them now a lot more abuse may take place over the next year not only to you but to you sister and no one deserves that kind of abuse.

I lived with emotional abuse for 10 years from my ex-husband and when I left if felt better. But because I had stayed for so long to this day I am still trying to break all the emotional stuff he filled my head with.

I hope that you are able to get out of the situation you are currently in. Know that you can always vent here with us.

Take Care

I have a pretty great relationship with my father, but that may be partly because he is more of a friend to me than my father. The only times I really see him is at night on some weekdays or on the weekends, when we are a team together playing paintball.

It would no work out well living with him. He is a cop and he has the night shift. There are only a few days a week he is off, and he has a habit of sleeping all day because he works all night. I have tried to explain to him what she says, but like a few other posters I have read on here, it usually just gets blamed on teenage angst, etc.

And most of all its frustrating with my father, because if I try to vent to him and tell him, he usually says something along the lines of "yeah, I know. I dealt with it for 20 years. try being married to her" and then that drops the conversation. I am constantly told by anyone I try to seek to talk to, to just "go with the flow, just go along with it, dont start any more trouble and it will get better". All good and well, except I have tried and it HASNT gotten better.

Thanks btw for reading it all and a quick reply.

MeghanLynn

Just go along with it is NOT something I would tell you to do. You are being emotionally abused and something needs to be done about it...I would think your father should be a little more Interested in how you and your sister are being effected by this. Can you tell your dad that you need a serious conversation with him and you need him to really listen to you and not to say the same thing he says and shove it under the rug. That you are becoming severely depressed.

Maybe tell him that you need to seek a therapist I don't really know if he understands how this is effecting you. In a lot of cases things don't get better they tend to get worse. And someone needs to intervene. I wish there was more I could do for you. I think you need to put your foot down and be done with being treated like $#%^. If no one will listen to you then find a doctor / therapist who can help you to cope with what is going on and give you some sound advice on how to help yourself.

Take Care

THe problem is, as much as I dont want to admit it...Im a friggen wuss. lol, I dont want to cause even more problems or anything, im scared as hell of what might happen if I try to contact anyone about it. Ive only had the guts to tell a few people, and none of them really took me seriously.

Hi, MeghanLynn. I'm sorry for the way your mother treats you. It's horrible. My mother used to say stuff like this too and just yell at me for hours and blame me for everything that went wrong and call me names. She even made fun of me becouse I was a little overweight.
I think I can understand how you feel. I closed my heart to this woman, so she couldn't hurt me anymore. The trick is doing anything you can to survive. Yes, you will be gone in about a year and that should give you hope.
Just don't do what she wants anymore. Be indifferent. That worked for me. If she sais she wants to have a talk, tell her that you're busy and you can't go to her room. If she fallows you to yours, slam the door in her face if you have to and tell her you have some studying to do so you can't talk now.
She's playing mind games and she is being very cruel. She wants controll and there is no way her behavior is right. The way your dad treats you is wrong as well. You don't deserve to have your pain ignored by him or by anyone else you tell about this. It is very serious.
I hope you stay here and get all the support you need to get through this.

Just had a minor victory, thought I'd update you guys.

Apparently I went over on my minutes on my cell phone, so I got called in for another 'talk'. By now I was disgusted, because I had cleaned all last week for her mom visiting, and I have a paintball game coming up this weekend. Like usual, I was threatened, "if you don't vaccuum, clean your room, etc, your not going." So I did all of it, etc, its all good but I was still frustrated because it happened again and I had to listen to my dad complain about it for a while.

But anyway, back to the story.

I get called into her room, she tells me how high the bill was, and that its mostly all on my phone, and then she throws in a zinger. "We can't pay the bills, and its all your fault." Exact words. I got angry and walked out, she didnt stop me but I got called up again later and the conversation continued.

Another back story: Your not allowed to speak. If you try to express what you think, she will interupt you EVERY single time, to tell you what SHE thinks. Your never allowed to finish, never allowed to speak. only listen.

Today I got sick of it. I started to explain my side of the story, she interupted. I tried again, she interupted. After the 6th time, I said, "Will you PLEASE just let me speak for a second. Please just let me finish what I was saying, without being interupted." She looked a little stunned for a second and then said, "well, fine." I was able to tell my side of the story.

Turns out they screwed up the bill, and I didnt go over.

But I was allowed to speak. And it may seem silly, but that is a huge victory for me. I stood up for myself in the first time in about 5 years, and it feels friggen WONDERFUL.

Yes, it was a huge victory!!! I'm so happy for you, Meghan! You were very brave to stand up to your mother like that and give your side of the story.
I hope you will do this everytime she tries to interrupt you and stand up for yourself. And she realised she was wrong
Remember, you can always vent and ask for advice here.
I'm very proud of you, and I'm sure everyone else is too

Oh wow! It's not silly at all hon!! I'm so happy for you. This small victory can help you lead to big victories, don't give up hon. I'm proud of you too. I can't stand up for myself and you're a huge inspiration. Keep doing this everytime if need be, never give up ^^ XD You can get over this, you can win the "war."

MeghanLynn

CONGRATULATIONS!!! That is a huge Victory for you and I am so glad to hear that you stood up for yourself. This is a big step for you and I hope that you will continue to stand up for yourself in the future. This maybe what starts to show your mother that you are not going to put up with the way things have been going. Keep us posted on how you are doing. I'm so proud of you....