Abusive Mother.

I'm 25, A lawyer. I've lived, studied and worked away from home for over five years but returned last year to live with my parents before I apply for a masters degree next year and move away for good. I've always been attached and close to my parents feeling a great sense of responsibility towards them being an only child. I would risk being dramatic and say that I would do anything for them and my whole life revolves around them. In the last one year I've come to realize that my mother is emotionally abusive one and my father could be a narcissist of some sort(I've not read up too much on narcissism).

My mother is mostly caring, she's the perfect homemaker and we have the perfect looking house. She's pretty, petite and dresses well. She isn't too highly educated but she's smart enough to deal with people and situations and speaks reasonably well. Shes childlike in a lot of things she says and does and has several (even if not the nicest or most genuine friends).

I, on the other hand am not the conventional stereotypical definition of pretty. I'm tall and broad. I'm not very into what conventionally in expected of women. I've recently gained over 15 kilos to go way over my allowed body weight. My skin isn't well taken care of and I have dark circles. I have body issues and don't necessarily dress well. Most of my clothes are chosen by my mother and they aren't what the girls of today would wear. I don't confirm to fashions and so I've never cared much. I'm lawyer but I can't stand up for myself. 8 recently had an episode with a bunch of girls in my hostel in university which was bullying in one of its worst forms, I saw a therapist for over 8 months for it and am getting better now. My mother didn't approve of the therapist. When I was younger, everytime I fought with a classmate, my mother would be there to deal with the child herself instead of telling me how I should deal with the situations. I've seen my parents have verbal and physically abusive fights. I've seen my mother beat my father up and whenever he's tried to shield himsel, she's called out to me to watch and help. I spent my childhood believing that all mothers discipline their children like this. She has dragged me from one room to another by my hair. She's slapped me well into my teens. One hour ago she tore the t shirt I was wearing because I told her to shut up when she called me a monster thrice in one minute, all because I haven't made progress in finding out something related to a family legal dispute and which I said so loudly. She is lovable and hugs me at night and makes me breakfast and laughs at my jokes but i can never tell what can set her off. It can be in my car while I'm driving, it can be as I invite a friend over to bake on the weekend, it can be because I ate out with a friend, lately it's become that everyone around me is getting married and I haven't even found anyone who would want to date me ever. She's blind to the fact that it's hurtful everytime she says no man is going to want me because I'm fat and my skin is bad, and even though I realize that's not all that relationships are made of, it still hurts. My father tries to get involced and she says nasty things about the way he his and his job. She brings up all my horrid memories of being bullied and tells me about how those bullies were probably right doing what they did or in what they said. She calls me useless and a monster and cow at least ten times a day even if in what she believes is jest. She still hits me and I have nail marks on my neck and chest right now. I never lie to them and I've never hidden my doings from them, yet she judges me for going out may be an extra one or two times in a week. She tells me how her family judged me correctly (each of whom are hideously emotionally stunted and who spend their days controlling everyone they can and spewing venom against me because I'm a girl child). I can't travel alone on a holiday, I can't go alone for a movie and if I'm sitting down lazing around while she works I'm called a snake or a cow. I'm called a !&@$& about twice a day daily. I pray for her death and then I feel disgusted with myself. I want peace for myself and my father. I lose my cool during fights and retaliate as she hits me and calls me names. All the words I learnt was when I was young and hung around as my parents fought, I now use them on her. I cry in my room behind the locked door and not once has she come to say sorry. It's been about 20 years of memories and everything I can ever do from driving to eating to bathing to even brushing my teeth to dressing is all wrong for her and if I don't learn it her way I'll probably never be married or so she says. I'm a nervous wreck when I talk to a new person, paranoid with my old friends, afraid they'll be mad at me and leave me and apologize to them even if there's no reason. No man has ever approached me and I blame myself for not believing in myself and letting my mothers words ring in my ears. I'm an angry person now, I yell and scream with low tolerance to things and people. I laugh with her and joke around not knowing when to expect what on a good day. On a bad one I hide out in my room and watch tv. Today I shut my ears as she called me names and that made it easier to sit down with her and have lunch, let her hug me when she went out with her friends and just as I thought the day was nearly done with no more incidents, I have a torn shirt and few scratches and a pounding headache.

Yet, I want them to travel the world and I want her to lead a fulfilling last phase of her life. I want her to be happy.