I am not sure where to go next

Hi, I have been living away from my family for a few years now and always thought after that everything would be fine. I can see that is not the case anymore. I still talk to my family and I try to treat them with love but more often than not it only leads to regret. I get that I was the quiet one in the family that always thought it was my place to make the rest of my family's life's easier by staying out of the way, but that meant the only interactions I really had with them was when things weren't going well. I was scared into silence anytime I tried to defend my brothers and mother against my father who tried always through demoralizing to get some lesson across. Conversations from both parents were fed through me about how the other one was a stupid idiot and that they don't know what the other doesn't know what they were talking about. I tried reiterating what each of them would say in hopes that I was communicating on each of there wavelengths to get the point across, that didn't work.

Anytime I tried to stand up for myself or a family member being called conceited or a lazy piece of $#%^, (another favorite of that house was, what is ######6 wrong with you?), I was pushed around. This was always followed by for some odd reason the black or white question of are you a good person or a bad person. There was only one other variation of violence when I had my head thrown into a wall, because I was too scared to tell either of my parents why I was not doing well in classes and why I would not open up and tell them what was going on. There is more I could say like hearing my dad try and make a joke about my dick size with my brother but that is all too much to unload here.

I understand where my father is coming from as he had a worse childhood then me and other things that happen like a specific head injury that killed his memory as well as mercury poisoning has made him less able to express himself. I am trying to say I have come to terms with all of that. I am just trying to move on with my life but it feels like I have no footing for that change. I spend more time alone than with others and I cannot hold down a relationship. There always seems to be something missing from my life, some level of comfort that others have that I cannot find and I want it desperately. If this is the place for that where should I begin?

A lot of people have very happy fulfilling lives without close family ties. I suggest building a network of friendships , work, hobbies that will help you build yourself up.

A background like yours damages self esteem and trust.

Trust gets better but takes time.

Self esteem can be built but needs work.

What are your interests? Directions ?

I don't have many, its a lot of time spent into schooling, I will read occasionally or go for a walk. There is a book club I visit and there is a lot I do with others around campus. I do have friends who I consider close but the thing is that it seems like all I can do is look for their flaws and try to distance myself from them for that reason. I am worried that it is all self destructive behavior

Have you ever considered online dating? From what I understand, that seems the way that people meet one another nowadays and if it doesn't become romantic, then perhaps it can become a type of friendship that can be had. I know if I was your age, that is something I would look into. What do you think?

Most college campuses have free counseling that you could try if you think that you might be ok with that. I have taken advantage of that a couple of times and it did help a little. It might help you figure out where to start.