Coming unravelled. Is this a normal reactioin? *TW*

w8ting4it2getbetter wrote:The cycle of abuse began with me finally putting my foot down and no longer allowing my husband free access to our finances (that I earned). I felt that I was enabling his disease by providing a resource for him to drink. He had no choice but not to drink.

I find this interesting. I took the exact opposite approach. I thought that by treating him as an equal in the relationship, even though he wasn't contributing financially, that it would empower him and maybe make him treat me better. I thought that having a shared checking account and giving him his own credit cards would boost his self-esteem. Obviously, that didn't work out as I planned. I wonder if I had taken your approach, would it have worked out better. I constantly question myself "where did I go wrong", "what action could I have taken that would have helped him to get better", "why wasn't love enough to make him stop drinking". I guess these aren't exactly fruitful paths to go down. I'm beginning to think there is nothing that I could have done differently to make this better, but it will take some time and work to stop this line of questioning.

As far as enabling, I always found myself in a tough spot. I knew that providing him the means to drink wasn't a good thing, but he would make my life miserable if I didn't provide alcohol for him. I remember so many nights that I would come home from my job at a restaurant, tired and wanting to relax. His mantra then was "go get me some beer". He would repeat this phrase dozens of times. I would argue with him that he'd had enough to drink or couldn't he take one night off from drinking. But he would wear me down. It became so annoying to listen to "go get me some beer", sometimes with nasty names thrown in for good measure, that I would finally just break down and go buy it for him just to get him to shut up. This happened almost daily for years. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd just gotten it on the way home, but I had hope that tonight would be different somehow. My husband is very good at pestering me. He knows how to annoy me and he does it constantly.

pdxlover wrote:
I'm beginning to think there is nothing that I could have done differently to make this better, but it will take some time and work to stop this line of questioning.

It does take time , but you do get there, and i think I can see that happening.

As far as enabling, I always found myself in a tough spot.

We wear down, we all do. The longer it goes on, the more tired we become. Yes each event in isolation may have been able to be treated differently, but these people wear you down

Terry E. wrote:The longer it goes on, the more tired we become

I feel mentally exhausted. The last week and a half has almost been too much for me. I wake up multiple times in the middle of the night. Every morning when I wake up my first thought is "Oh, another day". I find myself crying frequently, sometimes at inopportune moments. I can't concentrate at work. I dread going home. I'd like to escape from the real world for a while, but unfortunately no one is allowed to take time off at work right now because we're in the middle of a large, important project. I know this is depression. I don't want medication for this. I feel that would be treating the symptom, but not the root cause. It's probably important that I feel my pain and not try to stuff it back in it's box, because I kept it in a box for a very long time and that got me nowhere.

What's going to become of my therapy is hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles. I have an appointment tomorrow and I don't know what to say or do. If I could get some resolution on that issue, maybe this terrible fog will lift. Even if the result is he can't see me anymore because of my husband's threat, at least I'd know.

Good luck and keep us updated, if you'd like. We are here to support you. And hugs if wanted.

You have started this process now it will work. I think part of our issue at around this time is that we can't imagine being happy again. You will be. Hard to believe right now, but you are strong you are going forward. Lots lies ahead in the future, you just have to get through this.

I think a lot of us here, dread the going home part. Wish I could say something to make that part better.

and therapist is good, but divorce lawyer may be better

do you have family locally to fall back on ??

Terry E. wrote:I think part of our issue at around this time is that we can't imagine being happy again.

This seems to be a big issue for me right now, which seems stupid. I ought to be focused on surviving this marriage right now. I'd like to have another relationship someday, but I feel unlovable and unattractive at this point. It doesn't help that he's always telling me that no man will ever want me again. My future seems rather bleak right now. Luckily, I have a job that I enjoy and that I'm good at.

I'm definitely going to consult a lawyer soon. Right now I feel a bit overwhelmed with everything that's going on and I'd like to get over this hurdle before I add something else stressful to my plate.

I don't have any family that lives nearby. I've kept my parents mostly in the dark about the situation until recently. They visited last summer and saw us fighting and my husband's bizarre behavior and me losing my cool more than once. I was so humiliated I kind of isolated myself from them since then. I've only just recently told them that I'm leaning towards divorce and that he's been emotionally abusive towards me for years. I almost wish I hadn't shared that last part with them. I'm not sure that anyone can understand how painful it is unless you've been through it or read up on the topic.

I met with my therapist today. It seems like we're ok. There doesn't seem to be any plan to pass me off to another therapist. I feel extremely relieved, like a large weight has been lifted. He suggested I look into something called Nonviolent Communication as a way to help me talk to my husband while I'm working out my exit strategy. Does anyone have any experience with this? Any recommendations for resources to learn more about it?

pdxlover wrote:Earlier this week, I angered him and he told me some incredibly hurtful things. The G-rated version is that I am a terrible lover and that no man would ever have sex with me more than one time because I can't satisfy a man at all.

Yesterday I shared with my therapist what my husband said to me. It was a lot more explicit than what I shared above and it was something that no woman wants to hear about herself. I had to write it down because I could not say these words out loud. I had been carrying this paper around with me for a week. I thought that by sharing the uncensored version with him I would feel better because then I wouldn't be the only one to know this. But today I just feel terribly depressed and weepy. I think I had managed to stuff this down inside since last week, but sharing it just brought it back to the surface again.

I think this is what I've been doing for years, putting everything away in a box where I didn't have to deal with it because I had to get on with the business of life. I think this is why I began to feel so angry a year ago. All the years of emotional abuse that I have stuffed inside, which I didn't even label as abuse at the time, were demanding to be dealt with. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't started working on this in therapy when I did. Would I have snapped one day and hurt him? Would the chronic stress finally have given me a heart attack? Would I have killed myself?

I'm not out of the woods yet. There are days I can't stop crying. There are days I wish I could die. But I can see the path and I have someone who can see the end of the journey walking by my side. I will stumble and fall. We will probably get lost along the way. I don't know how long this journey will take, and I suspect it will take a long time, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will make it to the end.

pdxlover wrote:

I'm not out of the woods yet. There are days I can't stop crying. There are days I wish I could die. But I can see the path and I have someone who can see the end of the journey walking by my side. I will stumble and fall. We will probably get lost along the way. I don't know how long this journey will take, and I suspect it will take a long time, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will make it to the end.

I am so glad you and your therapist are " good." I can see how that meeting would be very painful, especially after all your past support.

just remember, it is not you, and if you think maybe he needs an 87th chance, he will just do nothing with it, except hurt you again